by Jake Appleman

With Beverly Hills 90210 set to return tonight on the CW and the season still approximately two months away, this only seemed right.

A few notes before you read this:

–It’s kind of written in screenwriting format, as much as the software SLAMonline uses would allow. That’s why the dialogue is centered. I could be wrong, but I think that makes something this long easier to read, though some of the centering makes the longer speeches look funny.

–I’m not an expert on the first version of the show because I was 10 when it was huge. If you want something that’s a straight parody, I’m sure you can find that in the next Bill Simmons mailbag. That said, in order to bring some old-school 90210 perspective to future episodes along with some balance and true Laker purple and gold, I’ve enlisted our own Myles Brown to help out with whatever this becomes.

–This is not intended to disparage anybody. Any true resemblance to the real life people this is based on is mostly coincidence.

–The pilot is here mostly to introduce you to the characters. Don’t expect the world to explode. Without further adieu…

INT – Locker Room Bathroom – Afternoon

Sasha Vujacic (a.k.a Machine) is wearing nothing but jeans and a pair of shower sandals as he rubs a dense, exfoliating moisturizer into his coarse stubble. As he exfoliates, he gargles some Listerine and spits it back into the sink. He walks over to one of the nearby shower units and ducks his face underneath some high powered water pressure. The green moisturizer completely gone, he takes a warm towel and wipes his face off while walking back to the sink. He looks into the mirror and smiles.

SASHA VUJACIC
Like faded jeans, Machine wash dry.

Kobe Bryant enters wearing only a towel and a sly smirk. He walks up next to the sink next to Vujacic and flexes.

KOBE BRYANT
Machine, you been working on that English?

SASHA
Machine always working on everything. Nature
of Machine.

KOBE
(flexing, then stretching out his wingspan)
Okay, define “lithe”.

SASHA
Thing on tree that change colors then falls
to ground, but not in Los Angeles.

KOBE
I said “lithe”, not “leaf”.

SASHA
Machine trying to learn more fancy English words,
like “flummox”, but unknown fancy English words flummox Machine.

KOBE
(smiling)
If anyone asks, it means “Kobe”.

Kobe begins trimming his nose hairs.

SASHA
Cinnamons?

KOBE
What?

SASHA
Cinnamons for “lithe”?

Kobe looks at him quizzically and heads out of the room, eyeballing him suspiciously the entire way.

SASHA (CONT’D)
Weird f*cking guy. Won’t even give Machine cinnamons
for lithe. Gave Machine fancy watch and bought
Machine dinner but no cinnamons for lithe?

INT – Spacious living room – Later that day

Phil Jackson meditates quietly, eyes closed, his sublime zen-based peace maintained. We momentarily see different sorts of triangles–isosceles, right, an equilateral cross section of Rosario Dawson silver pantie fabric–float peacefully across a white screen that represents his mind’s blank slate. Jax hums peacefully. An eight year old Bill Bradley speech on the negative effect of hedge fund tax cuts on the middle class provides a quiet, harmless background. Suddenly, the door is thrown open and the peace disrupted. A maniacal Jack Nicholson makes a beeline for the yoga mat Jax is sitting on.

PHIL JACKSON
What the–

JACK NICHOLSON
Sorry, coach, it couldn’t wait.

PHIL
Oh, Jack, hey. I was wondering how a goddman rhombus
suddenly entered my zen triangle forcefield.

JACK
Listen, coach, I know you’re good at managing egos,
so I figured you could help me out.

PHIL
Sure.

JACK
Well, I saw this new movie, The Dark Knight, and
I think the dead Ledger kid out-acted me.

PHIL
Apples and oranges, Jack. Two completely different
takes on one character. Nothing to beat yourself up over.
Can I interest you in a piping hot cup of chamomile tea or
a copy of Scared Hoops?

JACK
No, thanks. Coach, I just can’t get rid of these jealous pangs.

PHIL
You would never have been able to play the part
that way back in the day anyway.

JACK
You think so?

PHIL
I do. It was a different era. And honestly, you’re part
of the better film.

JACK
Really?

PHIL
Yeah, of course. The script was trying to get way too smart
for its own good. And what the hell is the deal with Christian
Bale? “This is my batman suit voice, it’s so different from my
regular voice, you can totally tell I’m overacting.” And what about
having Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine in the same movie.
Casting department of redundancy department, if you ask me.

JACK
(animated)
Yeah! Yeah! And what about Maggie Gyllenhall?

PHIL
(shouting into the kitchen)
Honey, what’d you say about Maggie Gyllenhall?

JEANNIE BUSS (O.S)
Busted!

PHIL
What else?

JEANNIE (O.S)
Daddy wouldn’t throw the veteran’s minimum at her. Looked
like Katie Holmes’ grandmother dipped her face in brine.

PHIL
And?

JEANNIE (O.S)
It looked like Tyrone Hill’s face threw up on a white guy.

JACK
Thanks, Coach. I’m starting to feel feel better.
I just wish could have made a pencil disappear.

PHIL
Overrated. I’ve made pencils disappear.

JACK
Oh yeah?

PHIL
Brad Sellers, Jud Buchler, Brian Cook…

JACK
Touche.

Phil smiles. They hug and he walks Jack to the door.

INT — Walton House — Evening

Luke Walton sits at the kitchen table, fiddling with the red straw in his green tea. He looks tense and bothered. His father walks in from the spacious den, wearing a trademark tye-dye t-shirt and a “world’s coolest dad” hat. He sees his son looking despondent and sits down next to him.

BILL WALTON
What’s wrong, son?

LUKE WALTON
Dad, you ever been in love and didn’t know
what to do about it?

BILL
Luke, when I was a freshman at UCLA, I had
a hard time telling Coach Wooden about my
true feelings for him. But I gathered up my
courage, and we had a nice talk. To this day,
Coach Wooden remains the love of my life.

LUKE
I’m talking about a girl, pops.

BILL
Women never made me nervous, son, only Wooden.

LUKE
Wait, what?

BILL
Son, all you have to do is tell a woman how
WONDERFUL she looks; or talk about how
she’s THE GREATEST cook in the world.
Platitudes and shoes are the key to any
woman’s heart. Luckily, I found a woman
that could deftly slip into the hemp-crafted
Teva Sandals that define my soul.

LUKE
I just don’t know.

BILL
Who’s the lucky lady, sport?

LUKE
Lisa.

BILL
What’s so intimidating about this Lisa?

LUKE
Well, she’s a better player than me; she’s won
more trophies than me; she gets more credit
for her looks than me; and I think she’s cooler than
me. She might even be taller than me, but we
haven’t stood back to back yet.

BILL
Son, you’re a Walton. Genetically engineered by
the game’s best passing big man, a loving mother and
absurdly high levels of THC, you’re THE GREATEST,
MOST UNIQUE, FANTASTICALLY TREMENDOUS,
young man on the face of the earth. I think this
“Lisa” should be worrying about impressing you.

LUKE
You think?

BILL
You’re a team player with an LA Gear contract! Cooler
than you? I think not!

LUKE
Wow. Thanks dad. I think I feel better.

EXT — Beach in Malibu — The Next Day

Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker walk down the beach, immersed in conversation. A surfer comes running towards them.

SURFER
What up, ya’ll? Ya’ll are hella tall!

LISA LESLIE
Uh, hey.

SURFER
Listen, my boy is throwing a kegger
tonight in Hollywood if you want to come.

LISA
Uh, no thanks.

SURFER
I was talking to the other one.
CANDACE PARKER
She speaks for both of us, now step off.

SURFER
Damn, what’s with all the hostility?

CANDACE
You better run.

SURFER
And if I don’t?

LISA
You see the bruises on that chick’s
face from Gossip Girl in US Weekly?

SURFER
No.

LISA
Well, my girl’s a scrapper. And you don’t
even have fifteen minutes of fame to
necessitate her going easy on you when
beating your ass.

SURFER
Necessitate?

CANDACE
Oh my God, I will smack you so far back
in time you’ll be late for your audition for
Blue Crush.

SURFER
Alright, I’m gone.

He walks away quickly down the beach.

LISA
Girl, you are somethin’ else.

CANDACE
Where are all the real men at?

LISA
That’s what I’m sayin’!

INT – Cadillac Escalade – Later

Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum roll down Sunset Boulevard in Odom’s tricked out whip that rolls on 26 inch chrome.

LAMAR ODOM
I can’t take this superficiality anymore

ANDREW BYNUM
Too much fake, not enough real. I can’t take it.

ODOM
Yeah, nobody’s direct with anybody like back home.

BYNUM
We shouldn’t put up with this.

ODOM
Yeah, we need to represent. From now on,
whenever there’s too much drama goin down,
we’ll squash it.

BYNUM
East coast!

ODOM
My man!

BYNUM
You just did a Denzel impersonation.

ODOM
So?

BYNUM
Denzel is west coast.

ODOM
Yeah, but the character I’m impersonating,
a Harlem drug kingpin, is east coast.

BYNUM
The representation is still Hollywood produced, though.

ODOM
Damn. So there’s no way to escape Hollywood?

BYNUM
I guess not.

They look at each other, pain written across their faces as we fade out.