By Jake Appleman

November 7, 2007: Gardner Webb defeats the University of Kentucky. Patrick Patterson has 12 points and 12 boards for the Wildcats in the loss.

Mid-November, 2003: I quit the Kenyon College basketball team. I can’t remember the exact date, and I doubt that the then Senior Editor of SLAM Magazine, Ryan Jones, has the email I sent him, commemorating the event by calling myself, “the poor man’s Keith Van Horn of Division III college basketball.”

December 11, 2004: Gardner Webb defeats Kenyon 92-61. I do not come out of retirement to suit up for the Lords.

April 17, 2007: Kentucky fans invade Slamonline, begging Patrick Patterson to play for their fabled school; in the process they stage an internet coup that places Slamonline under siege and in a state of emergency—a server isn’t nearly knocked down, but it is definitely bothered, and the holy waters of our basketball-loving website are muddied.

May 16, 2007: Ryan Jones, Slamonline soulja, supermans their hoedown (or not), calling our site’s invaders, “bed-wetting, life-lacking tools.

What conclusions can we loosely draw from these events?

1) I am better at basketball than the University of Kentucky.

2) “Rednecks”–American stereotype, not my word–that invade our website without the purpose of reading about basketball will always get their comeuppance. The proof is in the Gardner Webb pudding; they get to come to NYC, home of Slamonline, while Kentucky is stays at home.