by Lang Whitaker | @langwhitaker

I’m pretty sure that we’re all about to get attacked by aliens. Has anyone else been following these stories about the birds falling out of the sky all over the world, thousands and thousands of them? Meanwhile, rivers are turning green, 40,000 crabs washed up on a beach in England, about 100,000 drum fish washed up along the shores of a river in Arkansas. And these have nothing to do with the Siberian Tiger who attacked a bus driver while all his passengers sat and watched.

I’m sure there might be logical explanations for all of these things, but I am not ready to discount the possibility someone it preparing to try and take over the earth. And if this is the case, I am angry-birdsprepared, and have been preparing, because I’ve been playing a horrifying amount of Angry Birds. On the subway, on the couch late at night while watching games, on airplanes…wherever. Just know this: If we are ever attacked by aliens who build easily-destructible wood frames, if you guys give me access to a slingshot and allow me to use the piles of dead birds as ammunition, I’ll take care of us all. The aliens might be killing the birds, but they’re also arming us at the same time!

Angry Birds has been dominating my life for a few weeks now — more specifically, the Holidays Angry Birds edition — but I know it’ll fade out in a few weeks. Before that it was Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and eventually I’m sure I’ll transition to a new game or hobby or something. The only real daily constant in my life over the last decade has been the NBA. It’s the first thing I read about in the mornings, the last thing I watch before going to sleep.

So maybe I’m not obsessed with those other things; those things are just temporal, but I’m obsessed with the NBA. All that got me thinking about ways you know you might be obsessed with the NBA.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be obsessed with the NBA…

If you’ve ever seriously thought about how you might look with a neck tattoo.

If you’ve ever woken up on the couch in the middle of the night with the TV on and the NBA League Pass music blaring.

If you know how to explain the defensive three seconds rule.

If your spellcheck knows words like Sagana and Varejao.

If you’ve ever played Boo-Ray.

If you consider yourself a big fan of the Red Panda Acrobats.

If you’ve ever considered getting a Mohawk just before an important event in your life.

If you’ve ever been inside an NBA arena before noon.

If you’ve ever dreamed of being called a “column castigator.”

If you know more than two of Dikembe Mutombo’s names.

If you’ve been to a D-League game.

If you own more than one pair of hightops.

If you’ve ever stayed in the Troy (MI) Marriott.

If you’ve ever worn a sweatband just around the house.

If Joe Smith has ever played for your favorite team.

If you miss the halftime performances of Christopher.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to jump off a trampoline and dunk.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to ride a sled down an arena aisle.

These are all just off the top of my head. What did I forget?

Leave it in the comments below…