It’s one week after New Year’s, and you know what that means—75 percent of America has already given up on their New Years’ Resolutions.
Down on yourself because you’re not running at 3 a.m. before work, you haven’t given up red meat, or you’re watching more than a half-hour of TV a night? Worry not! NBA players are just like you, except they’re taller and people actually care about their Twitter feeds. They break their New Year’s resolutions just like everyone else! Let’s take a look at which of your favorite NBA coaches and players have already kept or broken their resolutions, and which ones are still in progress.
In Good Shape:
“I want to prove that it’s possible for a point guard that it’s possible to play at the All-Star level while literally making more behind-the-back ball fakes than jump shots.” — R. Rondo
“I plan to stay up all the way to midnight, then promptly get to bed so that I can catch the matinée showing of Frost/Nixon the next day. I’m going to buy socks in bulk so I don’t realize I need new socks when I’m out shopping for khakis in a men’s store and end up paying $15 a pair. That is unacceptable. They’re just socks. Also, I’d like to put up the quietest 20-10 for a 2nd-place team in its conference ever.” — T. Duncan
“I want to settle, once and for all, the ultimate barroom debate and prove that I am better than Brian Scalabrine.” — M. Bonner
“If LeBron James gets called for traveling with the game on the line after putting up a 33 and 10 on my court while I sit and talk smack from the bench, you can bet I’m going to count that as a win and dive on the chance for my 16th minute like a dog on a bone.” — DESHAWN STEVENSON #2 WASHINGTON WIZARDS CHECK OUT MY MYSPACE
“I want to prove that the best way to get people to stop talking like you represent everything wrong with the human race is to keep quiet, play hard and hit shots.” — O.J. Mayo
“I want to prove that playing soft and missing shots is a good way to get people to just stop talking about you altogether.” — A. Bargnani
Still Up In The Air:
“I have to figure out whether to blame this mess on when I’m the general manager and the coach. Also, I want to figure out how to get through to Baron.” — M. Dunleavy Sr.
“I came to LA for a challenge, and even though things haven’t started off well, I’m going to see it through. Mark my words—before I leave the Clippers, I will have a recurring role on Entourage.” — B. Davis
“Somehow turn Anthony Randolph into a legitimate scorer instead of someone who looks like a 10-year-old child enlarged and given super powers, like in old school Power Rangers episodes.” — D. Nelson
“Perfect defense in which Randolph, Brandon Wright and Andris Biedrins link arms in a triangle outside of the key and prevent anyone from being able to enter it.” — D. Nelson
“Win games using lineups made entirely of shoot-first combo guards. I want my offensive sets to look as overstuffed as tracks from Chinese Democracy.” — D. Nelson
“Continue to hide the fact that Monta Ellis has actually been healthy all season and pretending to be Devin Harris for 20 minutes a game.” — D. Nelson
“Continue to throw darts at our D-League roster to prove that literally any guard on the planet can be successful for me, except Marcus Williams.” — D. Nelson
“If I complete all of these tasks, I have been promised that Dell Curry will fashion me another of the magical invisible fedoras he made for Stephen.” — D. Nelson
“In order to solve the adjustment problems I’ve had ever since coming into the NBA that not even inspirational poetry could solve, I’m going to finally learn to understand my teammates by Netflixing The Wire.” — J. Redick
“Not only do I want to win this Dunk Contest, but I want my performance to make me and Hedo Turkoglu the logical successors to Gnarls Barkley.” — D. Howard
“This year, I am going to come up with a suitable retort to ‘Tell me how my ass taste.’ After three months of research, promising trains of thought include the possible phallic connotations of ‘low post,’ reference to ‘diesel’ as being an outdated and environmentally irresponsible source of energy, or ‘Tell me How Steve Nash Taste.’ All of these threads could potentially lead to the discovery of a satisfactory ‘dissrespectful term’ to use on Shaq. Also, I’m going to get a ring this year if I have to walk over puppies in golf shoes to get it. I don’t foresee that being necessary, but I did buy golf shoes just in case.” — K. Bryant
“Believe me, by the end of the year, kids on playgrounds everywhere are going to be trying to perfect the ‘crab dribble.’ And for the love of God, I hope I don’t do anything that would allow DeShawn Stevenson to keep talking.” — L. James
“Whatever happens, I just want my dignity to remain intact.” — S. Marbury
“People can call our system inconsistent all they want, it’s not like we can beat the League’s best team and then lose to its worst in the span of a week. — M. D’Antoni, D. Nelson
“I’m going to make everyone forget about James Posey.” — T. Allen
“I don’t know what the resolution was, but it’s probably safe to say I didn’t quite keep it.” — C. Barkley
“LeCrab” Photoshop by Nas.