By Sam Rubenstein

The new contests are up. Sure Shot and What’s My Name. Do your best/worst.

Moving on, you can get caught up with working in the sports world, where every game is taken so seriously. People get worked up and scream until they’re red in the face, as if it’s a matter of life or death, and you find yourself getting disconnected from real life. Then a serious issue hits home and it makes you pause and re-evaluate and slow down. I need to ask for help.

A pigeon took a sh-t on my apartment window.

You can see it right there in the middle. The photo doesn’t do justice to how green and disgusting it is. And it is impossible to reach the infected area to clean it, because the bottom window slides up into the top one. I am stumped. Perplexed. PERPLEXED!!!

This is an impossible puzzle to solve. Is there a tool or technique I don’t know about? Do I just have to take the window out of the frame? That makes me nervous. I should mention that this particular part of the apartment is what I called yesterday “The Window of the damned.” There’s all kinds of leaking and plaster rotting at the top, and my landlord’s been making false promises to me to fix it for at least a year. Khalid said I just might have to wait for rain.

See, Lang gives you photos of supermodels and MTV exploitation projects. I give you bird sh-t. It all evens out in the end.