It’s 6:53 p.m. Am I really about to watch a half-hour pre-draft special on ESPN? Probably not. OK, I’ll leave it on, but I won’t pay attention. After all, hasn’t the past month been one huge pre-draft special? If I hear one more thing about Greg Oden’s wrist or Kevin Durant’s benchpress, I’m gonna scream. In which case I should probably close my apartment door.

Um, they just showed a live shot of Joakim Noah, and he looks like a Bone Thug heading to a court appearance. I can’t quite decide whether it’s awesome or awful.

Lang can say better than I, but it looks like there are computers on all the “green room” tables? I guess that way all the lottery guys can keep up with the rumors about them. Something like that.

Hey, a live look into the Portland draft room! (Which is a mess, by the way.) I don’t get it, really. Shouldn’t they know exactly what they’re doing by now? The first two picks should take about 15 seconds—David Stern should be able to announce the start of the Draft and the first two picks all at the same time. But no, it’ll draw out for 10 minutes. Sigh.

God, I hate Stephen A. Smith. SHUT UP.

Anyway, back to Portland for a second, I wonder if there’s any humor allowed in the draft room? What if, right when he went to call in the pick to David Stern, Kevin Pritchard said “you know what? The hell with Oden and Durant, I’m going with Yi Jianlian and you can’t stop me.” Would everyone in the room just start laughing, or would Pritchard get tasered (or whatever the Microsoft version of that is) and duct taped to his chair by Paul Allen?

Talk of Seattle trading Ray Allen to Boston for the No. 5, Delonte West and Wally Szczdnhdjfsfrnvbk. I HATE that trade for Boston (and I like Ray Allen). Does it make them a contender in the East? Not really. Mark Jackson doesn’t like it either. I knew I liked that guy.

And Stephen A. Smith likes it. Of course. I really wish I could selectively mute this broadcast. WORST ANALYST EVER. SHUUUUUUUT UP!!!

A graphic just called Greg Oden “the best center prospect since Patrick Ewing.” Whoa. He damn well BETTER be the first pick then. And I’m pretty sure Jay Bilas and Dick Vitale said that Oden is more advanced right now than Tim Duncan AND Hakeem Olajuwon were when they left college. WHOA. Slow down, people.

According to Rachel Nichols, Michael Jordan is on the phone trying to trade both of the Bobcats first-round picks. Yikes. Does Bob Johnson know about this? Because, you know, Mike’s draft-day decisions haven’t been very good.

TOO MUCH (DIS)INFORMATION!!! Let’s get on with it, damn.

Nice intro, Stern. Although I think you’re overstating next season’s excitement. At least the fans sound rowdy as usual. By the time the Knicks pick at 23, things should be really crazy.

PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS. They’re officially on the clock—after unofficially being on the clock for the past month. COME ON! You know what’s funny? The second the NCAA Tournament ended, everyone KNEW that Greg Oden would be the first overall pick. Then, over the past two months, there were a zillion stories about Oden and Durant, as people tried to convince themselves (and each other) that Durant might actually be the first pick instead. And now? Of course it’s Oden. Like everyone expected in the first place. (After an entirely unnecessary two-and-a-half minutes.) Can I get the last two months of my life back, please? Oh well. THE PICK: Greg Oden.

(By the way, I wrote the entire preceding paragraph—including the pick, obviously—before the Blazers even went on the clock. So there.)

According to Jay Bilas, Oden’s “got size.” Thank God for Jay Bilas.

2 SEATTLE SUPERSONICS. Ah, the easiest pick of the day. Nice to have the unanimous college player of the year fall into your lap, huh? Although they of course take nearly the FULL FIVE MINUTES to announce the pick. Is there a minimum amount of time you have to wait before calling Stern? Damn telecasts. THE PICK: Kevin Durant.

Kevin Durant’s mom is in tears. Wild. Mike Tirico is touched.

Kevin Pritchard may be an android.

3. ATLANTA HAWKS. This is where it gets interesting. Supposedly teams draft one of two ways—either the best player available or by need—but the Hawks don’t necessarily go by either of those. Best available player is probably Al Horford, and they desperately need a point guard, which would mean Michael Conley. But it’s the HAWKS. They could do anything. THE PICK: Al Horford.

No real surprise there, actually. Horford is worlds better than Shelden Williams, last year’s lottery pick, who instantly becomes expendable. Maybe they can move him and the No. 11 for a point guard, or just wait and take Acie Law IV at 11. Either way, it’s the right pick. Shocking. Although Mark Jax and Stephen A. aren’t feelin’ it.

4. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES. OK, this is where it gets REALLY interesting. Because rumors had a lot of other teams interested in this pick, so who knows where the player who gets selected here ends up. Gasol could still be on the move as well. They need, well, pretty much everything. THE PICK: Michael Conley.

Seems a bit for young MC, if you ask me. Dude’s undersized, and he’s going to a team where he isn’t gonna have much to work with, especially if Gasol gets traded. Hold on, Jay Bilas is having a word orgasm. Can’t focus.

The distance between Conley’s nose and his mustache is quite far. He’s also got the mic in entirely the wrong place—nice echoes.

5. BOSTON CELTICS. Well, if they pick Jeff Green here, it appears that the Ray Allen to the Celtics rumors are indeed true. Which still doesn’t make any sense to me. At all. KG I’d understand. Shawn Marion I’d understand. But Ray Allen? I suppose Ray’ll be happy to be back on the East Coast, but I don’t see how it makes Boston much better moving forward. Then again, I’m also not entirely sure how Seattle fits Durant, Green, and Rashard Lewis on one front line, unless ‘Shard is already moving elsewhere, or KD is gonna be playing the 2 (although then who plays the 4?). THE PICK: Jeff Green.

Jay Bilas continues with the lovefest. Shame he doesn’t have any high schoolers to complain about. Maybe he’ll tee off on the foreigners instead.

6. MILWAUKEE BUCKS. Allegedly Yi is the pick here. Which seems ridiculous to me with Corey Brewer and Joakim Noah still on the board—and the Bucks easily being a playoff team if they could just stay healthy. I guess we can always hope for another trade. THE PICK: Yi Jianlian.

Dude is SKINNY. He’s also wearing shoes with what look to be stacked heels—does he really need to look taller? And Fran Fraschilla just called him 50 Cent. You’ll excuse me while I go throw up.

Guandong represent!

Andy Katz and Ric Bucher disagree on whether Yi sticks in Milwaukee. The thought is that China doesn’t want him to be in Milwaukee. TOO BAD. And wow, does he need an interpreter. Cool that he doesn’t use one, but what a painful interview.

And Mark Jackson and Stephen A. agree AGAIN. Yikes. This is not a good trend.

7. MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES. Are they drafting someone to play alongside Kevin Garnett, or his eventual replacement? Gotta think either Brewer or Noah goes here. Or Spencer Hawes, I suppose. Both Wrights are still on the board too, wow. THE PICK: Corey Brewer.

Nice. I like it. Sick perimeter defender, looks absolutely psyched to be up on stage. Dick Vitale calls him “Mr. Versatility.” Of course. If KG sticks around, he should love playing with Corey. (Who, by the way, is roughly the 23rd player who has “strength” listed for his “must improve.” Shocking.

Damn, I thought Kevin Durant signed with adidas and I just hadn’t heard yet. But no, it’s an EA commercial. Bummer. (Gilbert Arenas is brilliant as usual.)

8. CHARLOTTE BOBCATS. Well, if they’re gonna trade this pick, Joakim Noah is a pretty good chip. I have to think he goes here—although if Jordan picks for himself, maybe it’s Brandan Wright? Either way I’m sure the ‘Cats will make some sort of a trade before the season starts, otherwise they’re just an NCAA All-Star team, and right back in the lottery next year. THE PICK: Brandan Wright.

Not shocking. Wright joins Sean May and Raymond Felton. And of course Jay Bilas thinks Wright is a steal. Meanwhile, I’m PSYCHED that the Bulls get a shot at Noah at nine. THANKS MIKE (and Isiah—funny how these things work).

Brandan Wright has braces. Awesome. He also weighs about a buck fifty—he looks like he’s on the Kerry Kittles diet. Must improve? Strength. A lot.

9. CHICAGO BULLS. Don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes, don’t take Spencer Hawes. THE PICK: Joakim Noah.

THANK YOU.

Hey, Noah might just be a younger version of Ben Wallace, but I’m down to let him learn from the real deal for a year. The Bulls should definitely make some sort of a deal this offseason—they still need an alpha dog scorer—but I like all the pieces they’ve assembled. Now trading Tyrus Thomas doesn’t seem so bad. Bring in KG this summer, and we’re good to go.

Jay Bilas? Loves the guy.

Noah is by far the best interview, and is in the best suit of the night. That counts for something, right?

10. SACRAMENTO KINGS. This franchise is, how you say, a disaster. Brad Miller has fallen off the face of the Earth, Ron Artest is as good as gone, and Mike Bibby has been on the block since roughly 1991. They need anything right now. Which means the best available player. Which means…uh…yeah. I have no idea. Julian Wright? Spencer Hawes? THE PICK: Spencer Hawes.

Brad Miller 3000! I don’t trust American white centers in the top 10—thanks Todd Fuller, Jon Koncak, et al.—but he’s supposed to be better than those dudes. Hey, Jay Bilas loves him! And he doesn’t just love anyone, right? (He averaged 6.4 rebounds last year? As a seven footer? Yikes.)

John Paxson says the Bulls are gonna keep Joakim Noah. Really? You get the feeling that even if they had a trade about to go through that he’d say that.

Stephen A. hates the pick, of course. Apparently he doesn’t realize that they can make a trade this summer. Someone needs to cut his mic off. Maybe his head too, for good measure.

11. ATLANTA HAWKS. They HAVE to draft a point guard here, right? Julian Wright is probably the best player remaining, but they pretty much HAVE to draft Acie Law unless they’re gonna make a trade. Although Julian Wright is totally a Billy Knight guy. Tough call. THE PICK: Acie Law IV.

The Hawks have done the right thing for TWO PICKS IN A ROW. This is unprecedented. Is Billy Knight still in control? Or is he tied up in a donk trunk somewhere? Instant upgrade at the point even if he isn’t really a point guard (but who is these days anyway?).

I think Jay Bilas just said something about him not being a “perimeter shot blocker.” Um, he’s 6-3 1/2. And Mark Jax says something about not seeing “a midget” running the point in Atlanta anymore. F political correctness! Love it.

I might mention here again that I think the new Hawks unis are horrible. Well, not horrible, but just so generic.

12. PHILADELPHIA 76ers. No Iverson. No Webber. Basically it’s Dre (Iggy and Miller) Day and that’s about it. Al Thornton was rumored to be the pick from the jump, and that’s probably a safe bet. He’s 23 and good to go. THE PICK: Thaddeus Young.

Of course? The sixth freshman taken tonight. Not entirely sure how he fits in with the rest of the Sixers roster (don’t they already have Rodney Carney?), but hey, that’s not my problem. And Jay Bilas says he has “lots of upside,” so I guess you can’t go wrong with that.

I love that the new EA NBA game is “product not yet rated.” Seriously? You mean there’s a chance it won’t be rated EXACTLY the same as every other EA NBA game ever?

Hey, Billy Knight IS conscious! His mini-fro is darn near ethereal. Like a hair-lo. He looks blurry, actually. And he says that Acie Law reminds him of Mark Jackson. Can’t wait to hear what Mark thinks about that. Also, Billy might be drunk.

13. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS. I’m going with Nick Young or Julian Wright here. That way if they lose Desmond Mason they can actually slot in a shooting guard who can actually, you know, shoot. THE PICK: Julian Wright.

Didn’t think he would slip this far, so that’s gotta be a good pick, right? And great, here’s Dick Vitale to drool all over him. Actually, Dickie V. would rather talk about Thornton, the yet-to-be drafted senior.

Bilas loves him (of course) but mentions that his shot needs a lot of work. (Apparently I need to watch more college basketball.) How appropriate. But he can BOWL. Fantastic. (And he uses a 16-pound ball, damn.)

Stu makes some sort of remark about Wright being an analyst, but he might need to learn how to talk first.

14. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS. Well, they don’t need a center or a power forward. Other than that? Pretty much everything. Backcourt is the way to go, I think, and Nick Young looks good here. Right? THE PICK: Al Thornton.

Hm. Doesn’t he play the same position as Elton Brand? I suppose the Clippers can move Brand, or have him tutor Thornton for a year first. Bilas says he has “great second jumpability,” which is now my favorite phrase (not including ones written by Deion Sanders) ever.

Stephen A. loves the pick, so I hate it.

Thornton has braces and he’s 24? Wow. I had braces when I was 17, 18, and I thought THAT was bad.

WE WANT MORE TRADES.

15. DETROIT PISTONS. Wow. The rich get richer, huh? Hard to say what they need—although the thought of Sean Williams teaming up with Rasheed Wallace is almost too good to be true. THE PICK: Rodney Stuckey.

Which means one guy (Nick Young) is left in the green room. Rodney was seventh in the nation in scoring, and will slot in the backcourt along with Rip Hamilton and Chauncey Billups. Bilas calls him a “poor man’s Dwyane Wade,” which is funny considering that the Pistons could have had the REAL Dwyane Wade in 2003, but they drafted Darko instead.

Whoa, Stuckey wears No. 3 because Dwyane Wade is his idol. Now I feel really, really, really old.

16. WASHINGTON WIZARDS. OK. They have Gilbert, Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison. That’s pretty much it, right? Not that it isn’t enough to win in the East, but they could still use a banger (no offense, Etan). THE PICK: Nick Young.

Well hell, I suppose they need a two. He’s definitely the best player available, the only question is whether he’ll actually GET any shots alongside Agent Zero and ‘Tawn.

And Stephen A. echoes my thought that the Wiz need ANYBODY to help at the four or five spots. Deep breaths. Don’t pass out, don’t pass out.

Young’s mic is lost in a blaze of static during the most touching post-pick interview of the night. Figures. Young is in a white suit, which is awesome.

Actually it’s a white jacket with black pants. Which I believe is the same outfit my dad wore when he married my mom. In 1970.

KNICKS TRADE! In principle. For Zach Randolph, Dan Dickau and Fred Jones. And all they have to give up is Steve Francis and Channing Frye. Interesting. I don’t quite get how Z-Bo and Eddy Curry will play together, but hey, at least the Disaster comes to the Garden. I know Lang’s stoked.

Stephen A. Smith is Brick Tamland. LOUD NOISES. I’m not even listening to what he saying anymore.

17. NEW JERSEY NETS. Lots of choices here. Frontcourt strength would be good, as would a 3 just in case Jefferson gets moved. THE PICK: Sean Williams.

Yeah, that was the story all along. It’s 4:20 somewhere, right? Basically this is like Eddie Griffin all over again, only this time the Nets will probably keep the pick. Williams is a definite upgrade over Jason Collins, but that’s not really saying much. If Williams can stay clean, he’s an absolute steal at 17.

ESPN notes he’s the first Boston College forward to go in the first round since Bill Curley. Yeah, Bill Curley. Great NBA career he had.

Please let me see “MUST IMPROVE: OFF-COURT ACTIVITY.”

Nope, “MATURITY.” But hey, close enough.

18. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS. The combination of Nelly and Mully scares me. It’s probably the only draft room that doubles as a draught room. (And, speaking of which, I need to hit the deli soon. Maybe after the Knicks pick at 23. If I make it that long.) THE PICK: Marco Belinelli

I feel like Stern annihilated his name, although I’m not quite sure how to pronounce it either. This seems like a no-brainer Nelly pick—Sarunas Marciulonis 3000 (if I can use that line again). Nelly and Nelli, man, I love it.

Fran Fraschilla calls him a combination of Vinnie Johnson and Brent Barry, which kind of creeps me out.

19. LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Jim Gray is here to explain it all—or to say absolutely nothing. One or the other. Jerry Buss says he’ll do “what’s in the best interest of the organization,” which really isn’t news. Is it? I’m not really keeping track about who’s left on the board, so I have no idea who they should pick. Probably someone who won’t go snowboarding during the All-Star break. But hey, let’s just talk about Kobe instead. Ugh. Stephen A. Smith yells a bunch of irrelevance. THE PICK: Javaris Crittendon.

Hm. Does he replace Farmar? Back him up? I’m sort of confused here, but not nearly as confused as the Lakers. I’m down with the idea of picking the best-available talent, but two point guards in a row?

Dick Vitale has lost his mind. He emphatically declares that Kobe will NOT be traded (Kobe’s in college?) and mentions Eva Longoria for the second time tonight. Which sends the creep-ometer well past max. Yeesh.

20. MIAMI HEAT. They need players who aren’t 47 years old. Youth—that should be pretty easy to get in the draft. It’s also worth mentioning here that the D. Wade/Charles Barkley T-Mobile ads are WELL past their expiration date. Especially considering that the iPhone is about to blow the Sidekick out of the water (there have been people lined up outside the Soho Apple store since yesterday and it doesn’t even drop until Saturday). THE PICK: Jason Smith.

No trouble with that pick. You can always use more bigs. Bilas calls him a “workout wonder”—and misses the opportunity for the triple-alliteration by not calling him a “white workout wonder.” Bummer.

“Must Improve: Strength.” Isn’t that a given with EVERY draft pick?

Hey, it’s Jim Gray talking to Mitch Kupchak about his talk with Kobe Bryant. Kupchak doesn’t want to say anything about it—and I don’t blame him. WHY IS THIS ON NOW? Such a waste of time. I hate Jim Gray. And ESPN. This is awful. AWFUL. I can’t state that emphatically enough. I’d rather hear Dick Vitale talk more about Eva Longoria.

OK, maybe not that.

Why did Mitch Kupchak even agree to be on-air? He didn’t say a damn thing of any substance. He also looks like he’s 83 years old.

21. PHILADELPHIA 76ers. Here they are again, still needing everything. Can they draft Allen Iverson again? Jerry Stackhouse? Hell, Shawn Bradley? This is a pick they got as part of the Iverson deal, so they owe it to us to pick an undersized shooting guard. THE PICK: Daequan Cook.

Close enough—I like it. Although Bucher says he’s going to Miami in exchange for Jason Smith and cash. That’s not bad for either team as far as I’m concerned. Let me guess, he must improve strength and maturity?

Bilas: “He needs to learn to be more coachable and play with other people.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Pat Riley and Shaq will take care of that real quick.

Rod Thorn comes on to say that the Nets are more than happy with their pick—after all, they specialize in guys named Williams with character issues. They’re batting .500 so far! Actually, more like .750 since Jayson Williams didn’t ruin his life until after he was retired.

Rod’s hairpiece has no comment.

22. CHARLOTTE BOBCATS. What, no one wants to trade with Michael Jordan? I’m shocked. Shocked! THE PICK: Jared Dudley.

I missed all the commentary because I was on the phone with Lang. No real loss. Because THE KNICKS ARE ON THE CLOCK! Maybe we can get a riot—instead it’ll probably be Wilson Chandler.

SPIKE LEE INTERVIEW! “I just think Isiah knows what he’s doing.” He also calls the fans out for booing the selection of Renaldo Balkman, but I seem to recall Spike not being too psyched on it when it happened. Am I wrong?

23. NEW YORK KNICKS. Wow, someone in the stands is wearing a Larry Johnson jersey. Nice. I’m really hoping for a surprise here, but probably not. THE PICK: Wilson Chandler.

Well, that was anticlimactic. Chandler comes out of the stands—the first guy they’ve shown do so on the telecast. Jay Bilas thinks he can be a better pro than he was a college player. And he has great second jumpability, too. Bonus!

24. PHOENIX SUNS. Not sure what they need. They can’t pick Kevin Garnett, can they? I’m thinking a foreign guy—probably Rudy Fernandez. Oh. Apparently, according to Ric Bucher, the Blazers BOUGHT this pick from the Suns. Flossin’. And apparently they’re going to pick…Rudy Fernandez. I’m a genius. THE PICK: Rudy Fernandez.

Analysis, schmanalysis. Utah’s on the clock, and I’ll be right back.

25. UTAH JAZZ. Don’t ask don’t tell! THE PICK: Morris Almond.

Nice guy to put out there with Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, and the rest. Deadeye shooter who needs to work on his defense (or else).

26. HOUSTON ROCKETS. Heck, they could have used Almond. They’re pretty set at the point, with Skip and Mike James, and the 3, 4, 5. So, the best two-guard available, right? We’ll see in a minute. But first, the third (at least) shot of guys looking miserable on the bench. THE PICK: Aaron Brooks.

Another point guard? Sure! Maybe Skip gets dealt—or maybe Brooks, an Oregon guy, ends up in Portland somehow. They still need a point guard, right? Mark Jackson doesn’t like this pick and neither do I.

Andy Katz has some trade info for us, allegedly. His news is that Yi might not show up for the “day after draft” news conference. Which is ridiculous. Hey, the draft might not be an entirely fair way of distributing talent, but give me a break. It’s not like this is a new development.

Ooh, apparently the Celtics get the 35th overall pick as well in that Ray Allen trade. That changes everything!

And Ric Bucher announces that, in moving Ray Allen, the Sonics are now interested in keeping Rashard Lewis. Um, yeah, real surprise there.

Stephen A. Smith. Shouting.

27. DETROIT PISTONS. They already took a guard, so a big goes here, right? Tiago Splitter, perhaps? (Tiago’s been a rumored first-round pick for what seems like 27 years.) And it seems like the Pistons’s five minutes has lasted at least 20. THE PICK: Aaron Afflalo.

Another guard? OK? Once again, I don’t get it. Maybe that’s why I’m not a GM? All I know is that Flip Murray should start calling moving companies. Bilas calls him an “incredibly tough kid,” which is nice. But where the heck does he fit in Detroit?

28. SAN ANTONIO SPURS. I’m actually hoping they roll the dice with Glen “Big Baby” Davis here. Why not? Kid’s got a ton of upside, and Pop should be able to SCARE 20 pounds off him. Heck, anyone but Josh McRoberts. THE PICK: Tiago Splitter

That makes sense too. He stays overseas as the Spurs continue to roll. Good deal.

29. PHOENIX SUNS. The rumor here is that one foreign guard whose name is sort of like Peter but isn’t. Right? Regardless, there are gonna be some guys dropping out of the first round who should be (quite rightly) upset with their representation. THE PICK: Alando Tucker

Interesting. Should be a good fit in Phoenix.

OK, what the hell is that beeper noise that keeps going off? Is this public access?

Dick Vitale is blabbering something about cash and entourages. And a lot of other stuff. He’s definitely losing it.

TRADE! Yeah, yeah, it’s the Jason Smith/Daequan Cook trade. We heard. Thanks, commish.

30. PHILADELPHIA 76ers. Big Baby hurt himself—twice—working out for the Sixers. Will that make a difference? They could take Josh McRoberts and team him up with Shavlik Randolph! (Is that even legal?) This is the last pick of the first round, which has lasted three-plus hours. THE PICK: Petteri Koponen

GO FINLAND! He’s tall. Interesting that Philly is building a team of dorky-looking white guys after dealing Iverson. (No offense, Iggy.)

SECOND ROUND

Welcome, Adam Silver. Let’s pick up the pace.

31. SEATTLE SUPERSONICS. Crazy. They already have Durant and Green, and can absolutely STEAL a first-round talent here. Big Baby seems like the way to go if you ask me—they still need a four, right? Although I suppose Josh McRoberts fills that need as well. THE PICK: Carl Landry.

OK. He’s a power forward, at least. Although if he’s not a rebounder, I don’t see how he fits.

Ric Bucher has a trade! Jason Richardson for the rights to Brandan Wright. Stephen A. says the deal is “stupid” if the Bobcats make it. Go Stephen A! Haha, so great.

32. BOSTON CELTICS. Anybody! THE PICK: Gabe Pruitt.

Not bad. Have fun watching Ray Allen all year.

33. SAN ANTONIO SPURS. And they can STILL get Big Baby or McRoberts. Ridiculous. Not that they’ll take either one, of course. THE PICK: Marcus Williams

Well, Bruce Bowen, Michael Finley and Brent Barry can’t play forever. Good pick if he works out.

34. DALLAS MAVERICKS. Their first pick of the draft! Very exciting. THE PICK: Nick Fazekas.

Such a WAC pick. (I apologize for that alleged joke.) Bilas: “He reminds me of Steve Novak.” Um, was that supposed to be a compliment?

35. BOSTON CELTICS. This pick would have belonged to the Sonics, but they gave it up in the Ray Allen deal. Big moves. THE PICK: Glen Davis

BIG BABY! Psyched. I’m sure he’d rather be a Sonic, but he should be able to help out the Celtics immediately. Team him up with Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins, and that’s a pretty mean front line. Bilas compares him to Oprah, which DEFINITELY isn’t a compliment.

I don’t care how many Live Free or Die Hard commercials I have to sit through, I refuse to believe it’s any good.

36. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS. THE PICK: Jermareo Davidson.

Lots of personal tragedy. He’s big. Andris Biedrins with range? Sounds like he already might be better than last year’s first-round pick, that Patrick guy.

37. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS. Backcourt help seems like the way to go, although McRoberts seems kind of tempting. And they bought Petteri Koponen! So maybe they don’t need more backcourt help after all. THE PICK: Josh McRoberts.

Boos! Probably because he went to Duke. Bilas likes him, which is a total shock. Amazing. Still. He’s a nice get at 37. Good day for Portland.

38. PHILADELPHIA 76ers. Since they sold Koponen, they’re back in the backcourt hunt. THE PICK: Kyrylo Vesenko.

So of course they take a bleach-blonde highlighted seven-foot center from the Ukraine. His highlights look like they came straight from Youtube. Must improve: VOWELS.

Corey Brewer’s all excited. Meanwhile, Taurean Green is still on the chillin’ list.

39. MIAMI HEAT. This is the full-on reach department at this point—guys who’ll most likely either stay overseas or wind up in the D League. But you never know, I suppose. THE PICK: Stanko Barac.

He’s a 7-2 center from Croatia, and the jokes are WAY too obvious.

40. LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Prediction: This pick will not sway Kobe’s decision one way or the other. THE PICK: Sun Yue.

“This guy’s like a Chinese Toni Kukoc.” Phil Jax has gotta like that. “His favorite rapper is Usher,” Mike Tirico says. Usher is a rapper? And he was a 2007 ABA All-Star! That’s big, right?

41. MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES. THE PICK: Chris Richard.

Whoa. Before Taurean Green OR Lee Humphrey. Florida’s got four guys in the Draft so far—impressive. And the Wolves got two of ‘em.

The Bobcats indeed trade Brandan Wright to Golden State for Jason Richardson and the rights to Jermareo Wright. Yikes.

42. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS. How many picks do they have? Sheesh. Although said pick may head to Illadelph. THE PICK: Derrick Byars.

Jay Bilas’s best player left on the board. Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

43. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS: Losing…interest. THE PICK: Adam Haluska.

We’re in…Iowa.

44. ORLANDO MAGIC. Welcome to the Draft! THE PICK: Reyshawn Terry.

The second Tar Heel—took long enough.

45. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS. THE PICK: Jared Jordan.

Not mad. They could use a point guard just in case Shaun Livingston never plays basketball again.

46. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS. THE PICK: Stephane Lasby.

I have nothing to say.

47. WASHINGTON WIZARDS. THE PICK: Dominic McGuire.

BULLDOGS!

Trade announcement. The whole Ray Allen thing. Not a surprise.

48. LOS ANGELES LAKERS. THE PICK: Marc Gasol.

“Hey Kobe, we got Gasol! That’s good news, right? Kobe? Hello? Hello?”

Mike D’Antoni explains why the Suns keep ditching their first-round draft picks. OK, not really. He doesn’t say anything about Marion or Amare getting traded. This is not a surprise.

Mully! He loves Belinelli. And Wright. J Rich has gotta be bummed about this whole thing. “He’s one of my favorite guys, my favorite players,” Mullin says about J Rich. NO HE ISN’T OR YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TRADED HIM.

Ooh, Stanko Barac to the Pacers for a 2009 second-rounder. Thrilling.

49. CHICAGO BULLS. THE PICK: Aaron Gray.

A low-post scorer?

50. DALLAS MAVERICKS. THE PICK: Renaldas Seibutis.

Yeah. Whatever.

51. CHICAGO BULLS. THE PICK: JamesOn Curry.

Man, I forgot about him. Nice pickup, except for the whole six felony drug counts thing. Oh well, that was a long time ago, right? Then again do they really need another undersized shooting guard?

52. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS. THE PICK: Taurean Green.

Nice pickup as well. If he can make the squad, what a great fit.

53. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS. They seriously have every other pick. This is just silly. THE PICK: Demetris Nichols.

THE ‘CUSE IS LOOSE. Jay Bilas thinks he’s a winner, and who am I to argue with Jay Bilas?

54. HOUSTON ROCKETS. THE PICK: Brad Newly.

Skew it on the bar-b for the Aussie. He played for the Townsville Crocs, which is just plain awesome.

Randy Pfund on Daequan Cook! “We like shooters, and we feel like he has an upside.” Sheer genius.

We’ve reached the point where commercial breaks go through multiple picks.

55. UTAH JAZZ. THE PICK: Herbert Hill.

56. MILWAUKEE BUCKS. THE PICK: Ramon Sessions.

57. DETROIT PISTONS. THE PICK: Sammy Mejia.

58. SAN ANTONIO SPURS. THE PICK: Giorgos Printezis.

There are roughly nine people left in the stands, and Giorgos is one of them. Styling by Sonny Crockett.

Commercial break followed by pointless montage. Thanks for extending the draft even longer, fellas. Phoenix got an extra three minutes, at least.

59. PHOENIX SUNS. THE PICK: D.J. Strawberry!

Awesome. I knew I stuck with this for a reason. The nine people left in the Garden are stoked.

Doc Rivers real quick. “Doc, tell us why Ray Allen isn’t going to defect to Canada in order to not have to play for the Celtics.” He makes some stuff up and says that they can qualify for the playoffs in the East. Riiight. Also, he mentions pretty much every Celtic except Sebastian Telfair.

60. DALLAS MAVERICKS. Hello, Mr. Irrelevant! THE PICK: Milovan Rakovic.

That’s 5,500 words and four-and-a-half hours, and I’m out of here.