by Dennis Velasco

You might have heard about this thing that’s been captivating people, even infuriating them, since last week. I mean, it’s something so grand and seemingly life-changing that even the President of the United States, Barack Obama, chimed in with his thoughts on the situation. That situation? Enigmatic hip hop artist Kanye West interrupting country star Taylor Swift’s acceptanKanye Westce speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. And before you say anything, yes, I know they don’t play videos anymore.

In any case, once again, Kanye acted a fool and we all bought into it. Proof? There is a website dedicated to people putting up pictures of Mr. West interrupting other people. The audio has been manipulated and utilized by people on YouTube and radio stations. And the final proof is this article. Yes, I’m being a lemming, but I’ve never been one to let a trend go past me without using it and trampling it to death in due time! Some seek validation in academic accomplishments, others in spiritual pursuits, but me? I define my life by fads.

That said, what if Kanye could speak his mind to each NBA organization – be it to the team as a whole or individual players? What would the man say? Lucky for you, I’m excellent at playing pretend. Oh, by the way, if you’re in the market for a William Hung CD or “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt, e-mail me. Enjoy the Luis Vuitton Don’s interruptions.

ATLANTIC DIVISION

Boston Celtics
I’m ecstatic like I just got an invitation to Megan Fox’s house, Rajon Rondo, and I’ma let you hope you eventually get appreciated by a team somewhere in the NBA, but Dee Brown will always be the first skinny long-armed Gollum-looking point guard for the Celtics.

New Jersey Nets
I’m chillin’ real cool like I’m the anti-Nick Anderson shooting free-throws, Nets, and I’ma let you build around Devin Harris and Brook Lopez, but haircuts are more loathe to be in Brooklyn than you. Damn hipsters.

New York Knicks
I’m full of cheer like my name’s Claire Bennett, Knicks, and I’ma keep letting you hire temporary workers like they sRajon Rondotood out on the corner waiting to trim bushes or hammer nails, but someone getting drunk, meeting a random chick at a bar next to a health clinic, and bare pickling it takes more risks than you hoping to sign LeBron in 2010.

Philadelphia 76ers
I’m really happy like I just saw a bratty kid drop his ice cream, Elton Brand, and I’ma let you validate that huge contract and expectations for you in Philly, but Ron Jeremy busted more than you last season.

Toronto Raptors
I’m jazzed like I’m getting a personal tour from Mila Kunis of her bedroom, Raptors, and I’ma let you think you’re the sleeper team from the East to look out for, but the Washington Wizards are sleepier than you.

CENTRAL DIVISION

Cleveland Cavaliers
I’m blissful like the Dalai Lama just told me I’m the ish, Shaquille O’Neal, and I’ma let you be you dissing on Dwight Howard, but Ryan Seacrest lives in denial better than you.

Chicago Bulls
I’m perky like Miss Congeniality in a cheesy beauty contest, Joakim Noah, and I’ma let you continue to grow your game like your hair, but New York governor David Patterson can probably dress himself better than you.

Detroit Pistons
I’m full of glee for you in a way a model is when she sees a bathroom with kneepads next to the bowl after eating, Ben Gordon, and I’ma let you enjoy your money, but in Detroit, Vinnie “The Microwave” Johnson will always be considered the best short scoring threat off the bench ever. Ever.

Indiana Pacers
I’m as happy as a reality TV show star because I’d be famous for having zero skills and, oddly enough, a lack of reality of celebrity, Larry Bird, and I’ma let you keep that horrible haircut, but Danny Ainge is a better basketball executive than you. Thank goodness for Michael Jordan.

Milwaukee Bucks
I’m walking on air right now, Brandon Jennings, and I’ma let you be braggadocios, but Eastbound and Down’s Kenny Powers speaks before he thinks better than you.

SOUTHEAST DIVISION

Atlanta Hawks
I’m really happy for your unbelievable hops that are proportional to a kangaroo’s, Josh Smith, and I’ma let you keep bouncing like Lacy Chabert’s bra during a morning jog, but Dominique Wilkins made dunking in the ATL the $#!^!

Charlotte Bobcats
I’m overjoyed for you that you got your “type” of center and I’ma let the season play out, but real talk — Emeka Okafor is better than Tyson Chandler in the way two breasts are better than one.

Miami Heat
I’m super-stoked like Kristen Bell and Brea Grant just said they’d have a threesome with me making up scenes from Heroes with me playing the role of The Jack Hammer, Jermaine O’Neal, and I’ma let you attempt to comeback like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, but only another Nicholas Cage movie would be a bigger waste of money than you.

Orlando Magic
I’m elated like I just got a free pair of kicks from Converse, Magic, and I’ma hope that Vince Carter replacing Hedo Turkoglu works out better for you, but the next Twilight movie has more expectations than you. Well, for teen-aged girls and Seacrest anyway.

Washington Wizards
I’m ecstatic to no end like I caught Jessica Biel bending over to pick up a dime that I dropped on purpose, Wizards, and I’ma let you score to no end, but a comedy show featuring Jim Norton, Louis CK, and Artie Lang is more offensive than you.

NORTHWEST DIVISION

Denver Nuggets
I’m really elated for you, Chris Andersen, and I’ma let you fly away, but Dennis Rodman is better than you in every way — tats, rebounds, defense, married Carmen Electra, and starred in a movie with Jean Claude Van Damme. JCVD… ‘nuff said.

Minnesota Timberwolves
I’m hyped like a fat kid in front of a tray full of cupcakes, David KJames Hardenahn, and I’ma let you try to right the Timberwolves’ ship, but Kevin McHale makes worse decisions than you. For now.

Oklahoma City Thunder
I’m very pleased like that second piece of pie hitting the spot, Thunder, and I’ma let you grow together as the season goes along, but the cast of “Mean Girls” are a better collection of young talent than you. No one end up like Lindsay Lohan, please.

Portland Trail Blazers
I’m overjoyed like you wouldn’t believe, Greg Oden, and I’ma hope no one calls you “Sam Bowie Jr,” but the recent G.I. Joe movie was more disappointing than you.

Utah Jazz
I’m ridiculously happy as if Jennifer Love Hewitt came to her senses and broke up with Jamie Kennedy and making me feel better about myself, Carlos Boozer, and I’ma let you possibly delude yourself, but Larry David from “Curb Your Enthusiasm” who wants to break up with his cancer-stricken girlfriend has a better shot of staying put for a season than you.

PACIFIC DIVISION

Golden State Warriors
I’m jumping for joy like Maury just told me I’m not the father, spirit of the Latrell Sprewell/P.J. Carlisemo Harmonious Union, and I’ma let feed your spiritual family, but the ’08-09 Cleveland Cavaliers choked more than you.

Los Angeles Clippers
I’m thrilled like the most popular girl in school agreed to go out with me, a nerd that lives and breathes World of Warcraft and LARPing, Clippers, and I’ma let your youngsters do their thing, but the Memphis Grizllies are making more mistakes than you as a franchise. It’s a Zach Randolph thing.

Los Angeles Lakers
I’m geeked for you, Ron Artest, and I’ma let you do your thing with the Lakers, but Stephon Marbury is crazier than you. Who woulda thunk?

Phoenix Suns
I’m fired-up for you like Paris Hilton’s “down there” area, Taylor Griffin and Robin Lopez, and I’ma let you try to get out of that shadow, but Daniel Baldwin is more “the other brother” than you.

Sacramento Kings
I’m on cloud nine like I got together with Snoop Dogg, Cheech and Chong, and Woody Harrelson, Kings, and I’ma let you wish you got that contact high from that get-together, but reality TV shows on VH1 stink more than you.

SOUTHWEST DIVISION

Dallas Mavericks
I’m jolly like I’m Kanye Klaus sitting in my sleigh with three chicks as I say, ‘hoe, hoe, hoe’, Mavs, and I’ma let you sign all the old guys you want, but Marcin Gortat dropped more mud in his boxers than you when the Orlando Magic matched your offer sheet.

Houston Rockets
I’m punch-drunk content, Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, and I’ma let you rehab, but Johnny Knoxville’s testicles hurt more than you after several seasons of Jackass. Barely.

Memphis Grizzlies
I’m excited like the pitched tent in my pants when I look at a picture of Olivia Wilde, combination of Allen Iverson, Zach Randolph, O.J. Mayo, and Rudy Gay, and I’ma let you attempt to work that out, but porn stars’ chin holds more balls than all of you.

New Orleans Hornets
I’m intoxicated with joy right now, Emeka Okafor, and I’ma let you feel your freedom like Salma Hayek’s treasures when she takes off her bra, but Pau Gasol is still luckier than you when it comes to leaving a bad team to a pretty good one.

San Antonio Spurs
I’m laughing like crazy right now, Richard Jefferson, and I’ma let you be an important piece to the Spurs getting back on point to winning a title, but an Eskimo with no socks on has colder feet than you.

Dennis Velasco is the lead writer at Barkley’s Mouth and Talk Stupid. Feel free to contact him at dv AT barkleysmouth DOT com… I’m really happy for you, DV, and I’ma let you finish promoting the Four Fingers Of Fantasy 2009 fantasy basketball draft guide, but one hair from Chuck Norris’ chest is manlier than you… thanks, Kanye.