by Bethlehem Shoals

A very Obama-themed Quotemonger…

Amare Stoudemire discusses his future:

“My goal is to become a phenmenal defensive player. That’s my goal. To be a phenomenal defensive player night in, night out, no nights off. And ultimately to win a championship.”

Translation: You know, it’s like getting elected President as a black man in America. The governing part is a cinch after that. I was so excited after Obama won that I passed Animated coach.out halfway through his speech, but I’m guessing that was the moral of the whole thing, right?

Don Nelson on the Al Harrington situation:

“I think Al will be traded, but we got to wait till we get the right deal for him. In the meantime, I have to bring his replacement along. I don’t know what player we’re going to receive from him. It could be any position, one through five, it just needs to be a good player, that’s all.”

Translation: I’m always down for Russian roulette, as long as I get a pistol for each hand.

Bobcats rookie Alexis Ajinca reflects on his playing time:

“I am not disappointed because I knew I won’t play 15 minutes. I expect my time and when it will be there I will be present.”

Translation: I’ll be at home asleep, and Larry can send a car around.

Mike Dunleavy, Jr. on his ankle injury:

“I really don’t know because this thing has a mind of its own.”

Translation: That’s why I got drafted so f**king high. Because like a brontosaurus, each part of my body has its own little brain. Or like the Alien, with that little mouth inside its mouth. Seriously. How else do you think I get those minutes at points guard?

Nate Robinson fondly remembers his former coach:

“Larry blamed me for everything, even if it wasn’t my fault. He made me tougher so I’d be able to run a team one day.”

Translation: Jewish guilt + Nate the Great = further proof dude’s in the wrong professional sports league.

LeBron on Obama:

“It was something that you can tell your kids, you really can become anything now. You don’t have to become a basketball player.”

Translation: Except because I’m LeBron James, when I tell kids they can become a basketball player, I might as well be telling them to become the first black President.

And Dwight Howard:

“I’m trying to become politically [active] and learn about Democrats and Republicans, and hopefully one day I can run for president.”

Translation: Please, please let this be an incredibly complex case of meta-NBA self-satire.

Can it happen? Will it happen?!Iverson on his mindset:

“I have money. I have all the individual accolades. I’ve done the All-Star thing. I’ve been the scoring champ and an MVP. What I haven’t had was the chance to feel the feeling of winning a championship.”

Translation: When I saw Garnett do his thing, my first thought was “man, I’ve got to get some of whatever he’s on.”

Shawn Marion, on the face mask he has to wear now:

“Those things are just horrible. I feel like I am a caged animal in that thing.”

Translation: Most players want to come to South Beach because of the clubs and girls, but it gives me a chance to finally get in touch with my inner Dexter Morgan.

Tentacles!Drew Gooden, fired up and ready to pay higher taxes:

“If it’s going to help the world, we’re ready to do it.”

Translation: I wish I were speaking for all the players in this league, but really I took a vote of all the little tentacles coming off my face. It’s that Mike Dunleavy, Jr. problem. That’s why we went third and fourth in the same draft. Ya heard?

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