How I stumbled across this before Lang did, I have no idea.

Deion Sanders is a newspaper columnist. I don’t think the significance of this fact can be overstated. You should read the whole thing, and I trust you will. Still, in an effort to pretend that I’ve provided a service, here are some of this column’s highlights, with commentary where appropriate:

“The nerve of some people. Seriously, can you believe the nerve of Kobe Bryant? Maybe you can. I can’t.” This is Deion’s lead. The list of things that make this a great lead, particularly coming from Deion Sanders, is too long to fit on the Internet.

“What drives a man to say he wants to be traded away from the team and fans who stood behind him — no hard questions asked — during his rape trial a few years ago? That’s the height of selfishness. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. After all, we are talking about Kobe Bryant.” Here’s what I take from this: Deion Sanders does not think highly of Kobe Bryant.

“I don’t know if he’s selfish because he grew up in Italy eating his frosted flakes with a silver spoon.” Frosted Flakes is a brand name and should be capitalized. Otherwise, this sentence is perfect.

“Kobe is arguably the best player in the NBA, which makes him arguably one of the world’s best players.” Deion’s assertion that being “arguably” the best player in the NBA makes Kobe “arguably” one of the best players in the world is “arguably” the most astute basketball observation I’ve read this month. The key word, though, is “arguably.” In case that wasn’t clear.

“I can be objective because I’m not a Kobe fan.” No kidding! I believe Deion plagarized this line from me. I don’t rememnber writing it, but it seems to make sense.

“When you go triple platinum on your teammates, namely Shaq, you have broken the players’ code of behavior. When you break the players’ code — the sport doesn’t matter — you get a lifetime ban.” I don’t think I know what Deion is saying here. I mean, I do… but I don’t.

“How can you be at odds with Shaq, when every NBA player in my Palm Pilot appreciates and admires Shaq for what he has brought to the game and his unselfish attitude.” Dude, Deion Sanders is still using a f*cking Palm Pilot. This is awesome.

“When your talent reaches a certain level, your ego grows too. When I stepped on the field, I had an ego.” I don’t remember this about Deion.

“I’m pretty sure — this is a Fort Myers thing — Thomas Edison had an ego too. You can’t tell me you invented the light bulb and don’t have an ego.” This might be the best sentence in the whole piece, and that’s obviously saying a lot. It also raises a few questions:

1) Does the implication of arrogance as “a Fort Myers thing” mean that I just wouldn’t understand?

2) I thought the town of Edison, New Jersey was named after Thomas Edison, and I was under the impression that Tom was born there. But maybe he only moved there later? Anyone who’s willing to google this or out themselves as a “history of electricity” nerd and fill me in, holla at me. Nikola Tesla references are welcome, as are references to Tesla the band.

3) “You can’t tell me you invented the light bulb and don’t have an ego.” Right at this moment, I have a picture in my head of this guy at a club in Vegas, making it rain on a room full of ho’s and wannabe gangstas, actually yelling out at the crowd, “Yeah, b*tches! I invented the motherf*ckin’ lightbulb! You ain’t sh*t! What? WHAT?!” I hope you have that picture in your head, too. Keep it there, and treasure it.

“When your ego gets to the point where it offends someone else’s ego, that’s when you have a problem.” What I said earlier, about that other sentence being the best sentence in this column? Never mind — this sentence is the greatest sentence ever written.

“He helped dismantle a team that won three championships and alienated his Hall-of-Fame coach so badly that he wrote a chapter in his book about his discontent… If I say something about you, that’s one thing, but when I write something in a book, that’s another. You can’t take that back. You mean what you write.” Yes, Deion. Yes you do.

The only bad thing about Deion’s column is that it ends.