By Omar Mazariego
On April 28th I informed my man Khalid that I wouldn’t be reviewing movies for Slam anymore. Why you ask? Well, in a few weeks I’m going to begin blogging about movies for another site that I’ll let you know about later. (Harlem_World, your dream has come true) His response was “Awwwww, word? At all? Can you at least write one more for the hardcore!?” I figured sure, why not? So I said “Aight. No doubt. I don’t know which one I should review though.” He quickly responded “It should be Spiderman 3.” It made sense. Might as well go out with a chitty-chitty-bang-bang, right?
So I went to the flicks to catch the much-anticipated third installment to the web-slinger’s franchise and finally see what Venom was going to look like on the big screen. I must say I wasn’t impressed. And I don’t mean just with Venom. I mean with the movie as a whole.
The story was basically about vanity. Everybody was on they own sh*t. Harry, Mary, even the humble and herby Peter Parker – well, after the black symboite that came from outer space took over his body anyway. Every character in the film – bar Sandman – was dealing with issues related to pride, arrogance and egotism. Mary Jane (who the critics slammed for her Broadway performance and was ultimately fired from her job, which in turn led to her becoming the harlot that she is) began rejecting Spiderman because he was outshining her and stealing the thunder she once had. Harry (The most gangsta and entertaining dude in this whole movie next to J. Jameson) wanted to avenge his family name. Eddie Brock (Who was entertaining as Eddie Brock, but sucked a$$ like R. Kelly in that infamous video as Venom) felt that Peter Parker took away his manhood and reputation. Peter Parker (Who’s finally embracing the fame that comes along with being Spiderman) couldn’t stop talking about himself as Spiderman. Sandman was the most humble character in the film. He was robbing and stealing to help get his seed the medical attention they can’t afford. You gotta respect that.
What you don’t have to respect is the casting. It seemed like half the casting was out together based on favors and promises. I mean, Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy? Come on! Like her booty, her acting was half-a$$ed. Then you have this TV reporter around the end of the movie who seemed like she was an extra who picked up a microphone and snuck onto the movie set. Question is, whose microphone did she pick up to get into the movie?? Ponder that one, why don’t cha. I’m sure she broke someone off for that part. And of course the biggest f*** up of them all: Topher Grace as Eddie Brock. Yet another favor was called in for this one. Not only was he a horrible choice, but it made no sense. Eddie Brock is supposed to be a beast of a man. He’s supposed to be as tall as Rebecca Lobo and more diesel than that boy Vin. They should’ve cast that dude who plays Colossus in the X-Men movies. Even Jake Gyllenhaal would’ve been a better Venom. We’ve all seen what he can do to a cowboy. Imagine what he’d do to a city slicker. Now that’s scary! Tobey might actually welcome a “a$$”-whupping from a Gyllenhaal Venom. “What’s your name, boy!” “Uuuuu, Tobey!”
When it was all said and done, I gave Spiderman 3.5 Gangstas.
I mean let’s keep it real. We have the makings for a classic Spiderman movie here. First we have the return of the Green Goblin…kind of. Second we have Sandman (brilliantly played by Thomas Haden Church). With today’s modern technology in computer-generated images, the possibilities are endless. They wouldn’t need to put together clay figures in a billion different poses as was displayed in Clash of The Titans (A widely overlooked classic I might add) to make the Sandman’s scenes breath taking. Then of course we have the long delayed and much anticipated introduction to Eddie Brock a.k.a. Venom, Spiderman’s deadliest and most personal foe. Let me say, Topher could not play a bad guy to save his career. And to make matters worse, whenever Venom wasn’t in CGI mode, the actual physical costume and mask looked about as good as Lindsay Lohan does to these celebrities she tries to bed every weekend (really though, she’s so sad that even rock stars don’t wanna have sex with her. And they have sex with animals).
As far as the writing, the jokes and plot, they were all on point like Steve Nash. But the execution by the actors was so weak that BALCO couldn’t help hit this one out the park (Watching Peter cry both times was hilarious, not sad. I know that’s not what the director, writers, or actor was aiming for). And really, who the hell convinced everyone that Kirsten Dunst would make a better Mary Jane than Eliza Dushku??? Eliza knocks Kirsten out the box on every level of the game. As far as acting and physical attributes, she would’ve made a way better Mary Jane, but no use crying over spilled milk. At the end of the day, I blame Topher Grace and B. Howard the most for making this movie a disappointment. Sam Raimi, you’ve just made my Sh*t list too! Paris Hilton getting jail time was way more entertaining than this flick. I hope they American Me her a$$ in there!
P.S. I wanna thank my peeps at Slam for holding me down this long (Khalid, Sam, Lang, Ben, Susan, Russ, Melissa and Ryan (Chewing on wheat on his farm in Oklahoma)) and everyone who supported the Gangsta Entertainment Corner from day one. Catch me at my new blog in a few weeks doing my thang thang on a daily basis.
PEACE – O
