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Wednesday, July 30th, 2008 at 7:19 am  |  37 responses

Summer Thoughts Part Deux

Nets, Knicks and Celebrity sightings!

By Jake Appleman

–Been thinking about the Nets a lot lately. With this ridiculous surplus of bigs and the all too apparent reality that this team will struggle for buckets, I’m thinking the Nets need to petition the league to allow them to play 6 on 5, with 4 bigs on the floor at the same time. That, or they let them play a version of basketball/lacrosse where the defender (Sean Williams/Josh Boone/Najera) only plays defense and the offensive player (Lopez/Yi/ Anderson) joins the offense once the ball passes half court.

–The Nets 6 man unit idea reminds of a joke that my buddy JR, a Knick fan, came up with about the before last year, the essence of which was that the Knicks needed to run a two ball offense so Jamal Crawford could always be shooting.

–You know your team may have problems putting the ball in the hoop when you’re even casually wondering if Darius Miles could really help. A Darius Miles resurrection would be a performance akin to Travolta’s renaissance in Pulp Fiction.

–And how hard would it be for the Nets to pry Craig Smith away from Minnesota? Kevin McHale is renowned for giving things away.

–Praying that everybody’s favorite blogger Rod Benson makes it to the league this season. While Toronto (a seemingly inevitable JO injury) and Phoenix (Nash makes everyone better, + Benson and Shaq in the same locker room) would both be great fits, why not the Knicks? Hear me out: say they buy out Randolph and Starbury. Add Rod Benson to an already good group of guys and would it even matter how many games they won? No sulking, no bitching, just hard work at an entertaining fast pace exhibited by guys that the fans could relate to. Rod would be in there like swim wear, and swim wear would in on 5th Avenue. Of course, Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni would have to fully convince James Dolan to let RB write whatever he wants and not worry about the Garden’s past tradition of insular bullsh*t and petty squabbling, but whatever; just seeing the newfound smiles on the faces of the guys that cover the team would be a breath of fresh awesomeness.

–Jorge Garbajosa: Que te disfrutes europa, tio.

–I was on the subway the other day and I saw this hefty chick. I couldn’t understand why I was staring at her for so long trying to figure out who she was until I realized she was sorority girl that Kyle “boinked” in Road Trip. And no, I didn’t ask her for her giant leopard print underwear.

–If the Spurs win their biannual chip this year, Roger Mason Jr’s championship ring is going to come with an engraving that reads: “medicated version of Stephen Jackson six years later.”

–Most of ya’ll have all written off Adam Morrison. I haven’t. The Bobcats are so playing two ball offense next year.

–On the Portland Trailblazers’ official website, when you click on “the team”, little player icons pop up across the top of the screen and you can click on one of the icons to view his stats and bio. The problem is, I want to click on all of them. Except for Raef Lafrentz, but still. What a fun, deep team.

–Most fantastic yet overlooked signing: Matt Barnes to the Suns.

–Most surprising “it will be actually be worth the money signing”: Diop back to the Mavs.

–Anybody who wants to start an upstream/fishing website should totally call it Salmonline.com

–More interesting than the ESPY’s: The SP’s, awards handed out by SLAM Managing Editor, Susan Price.

–It’s funny the Rockets dealt Donte Greene in the Artest deal. When I went to the Nike Camp in ’06, I came away enamored with Greene’s game, even comparing him to a taller, more erratic Mac. Given the fact that he’s worn three hats before ever setting foot on NBA hardwood, let me be the first to say that Greene should only be allowed a step and a half before getting whistled for walking. He needs a break from all that traveling (mental and physical).

–Boki and Nenad walk into a Moscow bar. Bartender says he just ran out of Bud Light. Boki says quit with the metaphors. They drink and tip well before leaving.

–Boki and Nenad walk into a snackbar. They fill up on unhealthy snacks and then still go out to dinner because they’re playing ball in Russia and they can get away with it.

–Rod and Kiki walk into a bar a month ago, looking somewhat glum. Bartender says, “What’s wrong, fellas, you seem kinda stuck?” Rod responds: “We’re having a tough time moving forwards.”

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  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    PEn*S!?

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    pen*s is the thing that is stuck in Jakes last sentence actually. Crude, but appropriate. I think you may mean Artest deal ( since tmac isnt being traded, but whatever). Very funny too.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Love your idea for the Nets, Jake. Some great one-liners in there as well. Nice job.

  • face

    i think you mean the artest deal, not t-mac deal

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    1, More like Travolta’s initial comeback in “Look Who’s Talking”
    2, Rod Benson apparently hangs out with the guys in Counting Crowes, aka The Worst Band Ever™, so I am rooting against him. Sorry.
    3, Even by the subterranean standards of the internets, this “pen*s” thing is really, really ridiculous.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    fixed. i’m so confused by the pen*s thing he’s talking about.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    the p&nis is stuck Jake. And it cant go anywhere. Bad metaphor thingy I spose. Did you never go and play the pen*s game in school Ryan/Jake? you say it quietly with a mate and see who can say it loudest ( to the verge of shouting or above) without backing down and losing respect from your mates cos u puss*ed out. Funny, but childish. Eboy started it!

  • Michael

    Ryan, who are they counting, Russell Crowe?

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    yeah, Hursty, I’m pretty sure you’re officially banned from the IZOD Center forever now. Even on game days. Which is hard to do.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    Oh, and Ryan, Look Who’s Talking Came Out when I was like 7, so there’s no way I would have had any idea about that movie being even remotely good, though maybe there’s sarcasm there that I’m missing.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Is the IZOD centre another metaphor Jake? you have to understand/ be told that Im doing an assignment and listening to ‘Flight of the Conchords’ at the same time here, not exactly a good mix. and its 11pm here.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Great work, Jake!!! Love the Salmonline bit.

    As for Professor Jones, a history of p*nis. I suggested a month or so ago that each time someone used the incredibly stupid, highly annoying, “wish I had friends so I scream first when I need noticing” thing that has polluted websites and blogs for the better part of a decade, my suggestion was twofold. Change the term to a completley silly, dumb, useless word that would make “first” disapper into the nether regions of the internets and secondly by having someone say “penis” in it’s place, it’s basically shows just how moronic that person is for typing that useless 5 letter word and basically mocks that person’s character intentionally.

    Old fuddy duddies like you are just stuck in that Joe Paterno hazed world of yours so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t get it.

    I love you though.

  • http://www.slamonline Jake Appleman

    thanks for the explanation. you may have heard this already, but i feel the need to point out that during my reign as an awesome camp counselor, female counselors told me about 10 year old girls playing this game all the time. in fact, i’ve also seen grown females play similar games as well. so, yeah, good for you guys.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Jake’s funny, handsome and witty. What a dreamboat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    I suppose this is necessary then…. P&NIS! hehe. its funnier in person Jake, dont be a studge, try it with someone at work, you’ll find it amusing even as a very mature 20? something individual who is far too mature to act like an idiot for sh*ts and giggles.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    hehehehehe eboy!!! :)

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Also, pretty PC when he refers to the girl from Road Trip as “hefty”. Nice.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    All I know is I never typed “first” or “pen*s” at the top of a post, so I’m good in my old, wanting to be young and hip self.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Back to Jake’s post content, Jake mentioed the Blazers and how their squad is so nice. How many of those guys are they going to be able to keep longterm, ’cause there’s a ton of dude’s that are going to need to be re-upped and paid in full in a short period of time.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    If there smart E, then the players will take less money to retain a strong core and play together longer for success. If only it were that obvious to some other teams in the L though…..

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    It would be nice to see. They have the makings of a genuine dynasty if they can get that together in some way. BTW, your Rockets seem destined to finally taste second round playoff Gatorade.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    that would be some nice gatorade. I’ll drink Tim Duncans gatorade if it gets em there E. Not counting the chickens yet though E, it isnt offical and the hornets, lakers, spurs, jazz and suns, even an improved dallas are there for the takings.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    It’s not official yet?

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    Vag*na. haha hursty said studge. it will prob take you americans a coupla weeks 2 figure out what that means

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    Jake is one funny cat.

  • http://citypaper.net/sports James Beale

    Solid post Fitzy, but the comments have left me baffled.

    and of yeah … the idea of a two-ball offense has left me positively giddy

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    James, the baffling comment thing happens frequentley.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    hehe Money ;)

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    I am a dragon. what till bet turns up. We are all a dsyfunctional community that somehow works.

  • http://www.nrl.com.au Money Bill Williams

    they will be strong with jingles, cortez & worthington

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    hmmm. I wrote that before I saw the Deng one you did…. telepathic I spose. Go Crocs ( homicide williams is the MAN) E, the kings can still biatch out of it or add stuff to make the rockets earn Artest, but I cant imagine that happening. Peace, im out.

  • Lz – Cphfinest3

    As much as I would love to see the Blazers’ players taking less money to keep the core intact and create a dynasty. What are the odds that this actually happen? Slim to none, I would say. Imo at least a couple of their studs will be heading for greener pastures sometime down the line. The professional athlete is after all a greedy specimen.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    It’s not a good movie, Jake. That’s the point.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    BTW Jake, I’ll take your noyz submissions anytime. You know the email address.

  • http://www.alllooksame.com Tarzan Cooper

    ben, ive got some noyz submissions.

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    Salmonline…. oh man…. Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Appleman, he’s here all night!

  • http://www.ibeatyou.com/competition/0775d8/best-movie-trailer-spoof/entry/afde0b/boomdizzle-and-me-stepbrothers-in-santa-monica andrew

    Thank you Jake. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Did anyone see Baron and Nash’s collaboration yet? A worthwhile view.

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