Friday, September 26th, 2008 at 8:06 am  |  34 responses

Post-Summer Thoughts

Officer Shaq, Donnie fails to pull the trigger and Dikembe rides the train.

by Jake Appleman

–Now that Shaq has all but declared when he’ll begin his second career as a cop, how many kids do you think, two years from now, will begin doing little things (loitering, jaywalking, drinking out of an open container on the street) on purpose in order to try and get arrested by Officer Shaq? My guess is there will be a lot of high school kids (not the obscenely rich kind profiled on the CW) that fit the bill.

–For those of you who weren’t aware, during the Olympic Gold Medal Game Juan Carlos Navarro’s runner was actually Usain Bolt.

–Can’t wait ’till Mario Chalmers brings the ball up the court and initiates the Heat offense by passing to the left. If you get thrown out of the rookie transition program, you are hereby guilty until proven innocent, and all weed/bimbo jokes are fair play.

–I’m stunned that Donnie Walsh didn’t pull the trigger on the Zach Randolph to Memphis deal. Does he not know math? It’s addition by subtraction. In the words of Big Boi, “negative one minus negative one is nothing” (-1 – (-1) =0) Which in case you forgot how to count, Donnie, is more than negative one (0 > -1). Even if he figured both Marko and Darko were a “negative one,” he’d still win out on the deal as negative one minus negative one minus negative one equals one (-1 – (-1) – (-1) = 1), thus one is greater than negative one (1 > -1). For the sake of argument, I’m going to assert that Zach Randolph is -1 and Marko and Darko are merely -.5 each, and that would’ve worked out for the Knicks, too (-1 – (-.5) – (-.5) = 0) (0 > -1). I’m pretty sure that math works out – I double-checked it on an online calculator – but if it doesn’t, it’s not my strong suit.

–Speaking of the Knicks, when I went to see my best friend from high school recently, he said he found something in his grad school dorm that I could have. He built it up, and sounded genuinely happy to have found this for me. I got all excited. He gave me a nylon Starbury long sleeved jacket. I nearly killed him.

For real, though, I hope Starbeezy lands in Miami so that we can find out in the third season of Burn Notice that it was Steph who actually framed Michael Westen.

–A commenter mentioned this a little while back when the story first surfaced, but does LeBron realize he’s not really on Facebook? Like, he’s on Facebook, but he’s not really on Facebook. People that are on Facebook know what I’m talking about. Also: Facebook.

–Please pour out some Old Speckled Hen for the now retired Pat Garrity.

–Got a text message from a good friend on Sunday night. He was on an Amtrak Acela train (ticket price: the Charlotte Bobcats payroll) going from DC to NYC. Sitting in front of him was Dikembe Mutombo. Two things are strange about this:

1) An acela train seems way too fast for Dikembe. How could he possibly even see what he could wag a finger at (cows grazing, Joe Biden’s house, Baltimore, etc.) out of the window.
2) He was sitting in coach. Now, I understand that Dikembe Mutombo is an incredibly generous person that would rather donate than spend money on himself, but if you’re 7 feet tall and you have the extra dollars to spend, how can you possibly ride in coach? If his back acts up next year, we’ll know why.

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  • Ken

    I love Deke. And yes, it’s weird he was in coach.

  • Pve84

    I’ve been flabbergasted by Donnie since he didn’t trade Zach for the Clips’ second round pick. Also, I’d never second guess Mutombo for fear of him wagging his finger at me…

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Man… Deke is hilarious ‘It was Rick Mahorn! It was Rick Mahorn!’ Yes Dikembe, yes it was…

  • andrew

    I’ve travelled coach on Amtrak. It’s way nicer than coach on any aeroplane I’ve ever been on. i slept six hours straight. Also, I actually understood that math dude, and I haven’t understood math since I was 14. nice.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Oh, and -1 (+) -1 = -2. So either way the Knicks lose. It only becomes a positive number when it invloves multiplying around a bracket or something.
    I’ll probably be told I’m wrong by some maths teacher whos got a free period at some stage but meh.

  • andrew

    Hursty – dang you and your youthful “I still know what maths is about” business. I got what he meant, and thought I was smart for a moment.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    I cant post comments.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Um, yeh I can apparently. I had 4 post disappear for no reason.

  • andrew

    Hang on, with my limited memory of negatives and positives from year 7 maths, doesn’t adding two negatives make a positive? As in -2 + -2 = 4? The Knicks would’ve come out way ahead based on my logic. Which, considering I’m 28 years old, is at least 16 years old.

  • andrew

    Hursty: I’ve had that happen to a few tonight. I just thought it was because I’m on beer #7.

  • http://LATESTCRY.WORDPRESS.COM akimana

    -2+(2)=-4. -2-(2)=0.

    (I think)

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Classic Jake post. The Biden and Chalmers comments killed me.

  • andrew

    Akimania – my eyes hurt now. Point is, Dolan is really really bad at being a basketball team maker type guy.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Well, I dont have that problem. I think you may be looking for ‘two wrongs dont make a right’ andrew. J/K. But they have to be multiplied. We just did all that stuff as revision for the yearly/Preliminary HSC examination so its all fresh im my mind. (did them last week).
    I would like to see Shaq in a SWAT chopper, it would probably roll to one side or something, but it’d be entertaining.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    They both suck equally right now. Its just that Memphis has a rep to protect and NY is trying to be ‘better’ at it than anyone else. A sad spiral of idiocy lol.

  • andrew

    Hursty – good luck with yr final exams then bro. I’d give you an A based on what I’ve learned tonight. Do two lefts make a right? Or, in the case of the Chinese dry cleaners, two Wongs make it white?

  • The Last Kings Fan

    If Starbury DID burn Michael Westen, I will be significantly dissapointed with the show

  • http://www.slamonline.com James the balla

    Nice piece Jake.

  • Exile

    LMAO at the “I nearly killed him.” line… Nice lead up.

  • http://www.insidehoops.com Jeff of InsideHoops


    Jake rules.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    In one of my grad school classes “Foundations of Literacy” we have to do a case study on our students’ discourse. My prof told us to look at their facebook pages if we can. So creepy.

  • http://twentythreenine.blogspot.com Russ Bengtson

    I would pay good money just to hear Dikembe say “Acela.”

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    aaaahhhh, Jake Appleman. Fun read as always.

    Sam, Foundations of Literacy? Got truckloads of books about that around my house.

  • tealish

    Dikembe is awesome for riding coach, and you guys are killing me with your math. Like seriously, those had better be some unfunny jokes^

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cub Buenning

    I was especially fond of the math portion…. of the debate.
    BTW, what is going to happen tonight with that crap????

  • tealish

    McCain and Palin are hilarious if nothing else. Anyone else see the Couric interview? That’s comedy in its highest form.

  • http://www.kobehowmyasstaste.com Tony B

    My brother spotted Mutombo in a pharmacy in Philadelphia about 2 weeks ago.
    So does Deke just bounce around the Northeast during the summer looking for people who want to sex him?

  • Teddy-the-Bear

    Deke is the MAN!

  • KA

    hursty wth? that was manute bol dude. LOL at deke finger wagging Baltimore.

  • MyKal

    @ Tony B: Sadly Yes.

  • fluxland

    tealish… hahahha! I don’t know what was funnier… Chris Rock on Larry King or Palin with Couric. Nah, Palin was funnier. “Yes, I negotiated with Putin.. his plane flew over Alaska!” FAN-TASTIC stuff!

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    Yeh, my bad KA.

  • http://suns.orangeplanet.net Dacre

    -2 plus positive 2 = zero…

    the ratio of -1:-1 equates to 1 full unit of value…. that could work by means of an explanation…

    my personal favourite is quantifying the rate of rain fall, both fast or slow and movement over a set distance to work out whether it would be better to walk or run during a storm or sun shower….

    go suns.
    go Dikembe

  • http://www.lkz.ch/basket Darksaber

    “Juan Carlos Navarro’s runner was actually Usain Bolt”. I am literaly gagging with laughter. Thanks Jake.