An Appleson ‘Facebook Mini-feed’ production.

Have you ever wondered what an Appleson Production would look like simply as a Facebook mini-feed? Well, you’re about to find out.

by Jake Appleman and Russ Bengtson

Welcome to the first Appleson Facebook Mini-feed extravaganza, where Russ and I imagined the entire game—and our other imaginings—as the what you would see in a Facebook mini-feed. It’s mostly what we figured the status updates of various prominent people in the building would be, but there are also updates on new digital friendships and people joining groups. All celebrities mentioned were either at the game, noted somehow on the jumbotron, or were involved with a Stephen Colbert beef recently.

Basically, it’s awesome. I should also mention that Russ was in ridiculous rare form, as you’ll see. About a quarter of the 150 or so status updates that he sent me simply said, “Al Harrington is f*cking shooting,” which is the one thing, above anything else, that you need to know about this game. So I consolidated that into that one mention, which may have cost you a lot of laughs. Sorry for that.

And in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m in bold and Russ is in regular font.

Pregame

TIM THOMAS just drained eleven threes in a row from the left elbow extended—without jumping—because it’s just too easy

PENNY MARSHALL is wondering what she can get signed

BRIAN SCALABRINE enjoyed his pregame calisthenics because you can never work too hard

RAJON RONDO wants to know the score of the Kentucky/Louisville game

TAVARIS JACKSON just got pancaked while moving backwards

SERVER is not responding, please try again later

ANNOYING FAN thinks he should provide a running narrative of the game… Yeah, all these media types around me are going to love this

GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL is happy to get some screen time in the Knicks’ opening montage video

YOUNG JEEZY is vibrating through the speakers at the World’s Most Famous Arena

First quarter

KEVIN GARNETT is diving for loose balls at zero-zero

KEVIN GARNETT just smacked the ball hard while grabbing a rebound; if I smack the ball harder next time, I’ll morph into the brother of the dragon princess from Shrek

EDDIE HOUSE is wondering what Doc Rivers is thinking

DOC RIVERS is thinking that Eddie House shouldn’t be in

QUENTIN RICHARDSON wants to take this outside

KENDRICK PERKINS is trying not to laugh

FAN IN A BIRD JERSEY BEHIND THE BASKET is pretending to be Kevin Garnett because intensity is cool

PAUL PIERCE is using a little bit of space to find seams in the defense

JON STEWART is courtside at the Knicks game and isn’t doing impressions of George W. Bush or an old Jewish lady

BRIAN SCALABRINE is on a beach, earning 20 percent

STEPHON MARBURY thinks he looks good in green

HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he could back up Chris Duhon

AL HARRINGTON is making his presence felt

PAUL SIMON would like you to call him Al

JARED JEFFRIES is wondering what kind of glue he is

Q TIP is friends with ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD and PHIFE DAWG

EDDIE HOUSE es su casa (also, he’s open)

DOC RIVERS is wondering why he didn’t wear the blue suit

JON STEWART is glad he didn’t invite Stephen Co-beagle The Eagle

Stephen Colbert is “sunglasses mannequin Kanye West”

Kanye West is “Who the fuck is Stephen Colbert?”

RAJON RONDO is friends with KENNY ANDERSON and ROD STRICKLAND

GLEN DAVIS just tended his own goal and fell on Ray Allen during the same play—damn that was embarrassing!

PAUL PIERCE is using deft ball fakes and minimal space to get places on offense

DAVID LEE wonders what’s in his lunch pail today

KEVIN GARNETT is talking to HIMSELF not you, OK?????????

KEVIN GARNETT is friends with BILL RUSSELL

AL HARRINGTON has joined the group “WHY AREN’T I STARTING?????”

QUENTIN RICHARDSON is friends with DARIUS MILES

DANILO GALLINARI is still occasionally transfixed by the scoreboard

COURTNEY GALIANO from So You Think You Can Dance? and her partner Gev are performing the cha cha or something else that ends in “ha ha” in front of almost 20,000 people at Madison Square Garden

JAKE APPLEMAN can’t believe he watched Courtney Galiano and her partner Gev this one time on So You Think You Can Dance?

CLYDE FRAZIER is wondering why nothing rhymes with “orange”

Second quarter

TONY ALLEN has joined the group “VFDVSDASDC BCDCVERGE CDCVD!!!!!”

LEON POWE just bodied up Al Harrington

TAYE DIGGS is at the Celtics-Knicks game

A FEMALE FAN is that the Celtics-Knicks game and just saw Taye Diggs. OMG OMG OMG

EDDIE HOUSE wonders why you have to follow your shots when they all go in anyway

KEVIN GARNETT saw over the defense and passed out of the post

RUSS BENGTSON is in rare form

JAKE APPLEMAN laughed so hard at something Russ Bengtson did that he shed a few tears—gotta love catharsis and cows

RAJON RONDO is friends with ASHLEY JUDD and SAUL SMITH

KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “LEBRON DIDN’T INVENT TALC

RAY ALLEN thinks that acrobatic layup was pretty cool

PAUL OAKENFOLD didn’t know that they played him in NBA arenas until just now

KENDRICK PERKINS doesn’t know what the fuss is about, y’all are 4-30 or some shit

NATE ROBINSON has responded to Coach D’Antoni’s exhortations

WILSON CHANDLER glides, like Clyde

RAS KASS sells tix likes Boston basketball

Q RICH wonders whether you want to take it outside

WHOOPI GOLDBERG thinks “Eddie” was pretty accurate

GWEN STEFANI wants to find a sweet escape, and she wishes her boyfriend had shut the refrigerator—that’s why she wants to escape

Third quarter

TONY ALLEN is worried he forgot to TiVo “America’s Biggest Coalmining Disasters.”

JEROME JAMES wonders why it has to be Gatorade all the time. Why not milkshakes or creamed corn or pulled pork?

WILSON CHANDLER just scored in the lane

TOM HANKS just lost his volleyball

MIKE D’ANTONI is friends with STEVE NASH, DANILO GALLINARI’S DAD and KOBE BRYANT

TONY BROTHERS finds it ironic that he’s not in a fraternity

AL HARRINGTON has realized that double teaming Kendrick Perkins is like throwing a shoe

RAJON RONDO just faked you the f*ck out

KEVIN GARNETT is wondering, since impossible is nothing, what is impossible really?

HAMMER says stop. Hammertime

TOMMY HEINSOHN is wondering why Walter McCarty never plays anymore

BOB COUSY thinks this team needs to win like, eight more banners before they can talk

PENNY MARSHALL is dying for a cigarette wrapped in a nicotine patch

KEVIN GARNETT threw a behind-the-back no-look to Perk for a sweet dunk

RAY ALLEN thinks he should move uptown because he’s off from downtown

BRIAN SCALABRINE enjoyed a nice sequence: nailing open corner three before bodying up David Lee on the low block, forcing him to miss

MIKE D’ANTONI is friends with DONNIE WALSH

JARED JEFFRIES has joined the group “MID-LEVEL UNEXCEPTIONAL” even though he’s playing well

BRIAN SCALABRINE has joined the group “THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN”

Fourth quarter

TONY ALLEN is sharing a rebound with Brian Scalabrine

DAVID LEE thinks double-doubles are too easy

CHRIS DUHON thinks your alma mater sucks

RUSS BENGTSON thinks “win” montages from movies are cornier than a bag of Bugles

LEON POWE is no easy buckets—for me, or the other team

PAUL PIERCE is talking to Q-Rich; it’s just friendly chatter

PAUL PIERCE is scoring over Q-Rich—repeatedly

PAUL PIERCE is on the floor

GREG DREILING thinks he was born 20 years too soon

CHRIS FORD knows he would have won a goddamn title too if he had KG and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen

HAYWOODE WORKMAN is talking to Spike Lee about 1995

WILSON CHANDLER has recorded a career high 28 points so far

JARED JEFFRIES is diving to the tin, moving without the ball, baby!

AL HARRINGTON is glad he found Jared Jeffries open.

DOC RIVERS is emptying the bench

PATRICK O’BRYANT is friends with ACIE EARL

Postgame

JAKE APPLEMAN is “Take me home, take me home, to the place that I was born, New York City…”

RUSS BENGTSON doesn’t know what the holdup is

RAJON RONDO mixes Gucci and Vuitton because he can

CLIFFORD RAY only knows one kind of posting up and it’s not this kind

KEVIN GARNETT might have spontaneously combusted