Back to the Magic Kingdom…
by Jake Appleman
Ten days ago, there were two things I didn’t believe in: the Orlando Magic and Twitter.
Anyone who asked me about the Magic’s chances against the Cavs received a brief sermon about how you can’t trust a team that lives and dies by the three and features a big man with no developed post moves. If that wasn’t enough, I was of the opinion that the Sixers should have been able to force a Game 7 and that the Celtics should have had enough left in the tank to close Orlando out.
There was a personal touch to it, also. A buddy of mine used to call me “Rashard” when we played ball together because of my propensity to float around the perimeter despite having the height to play down low. The underlying joke was that the nickname was an indictment of a combination of talent, what I’ll dub “smooth laziness” and a lack of a killer of instinct. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t betting on myself…
Oh yeah, and I want the Cavs to win. So there’s that. LeBron/Kobe would be an epic battle in the history of my sports watching life for so many different reasons. Magic/Nuggets would be a strange looking turd placed on the doorstep of my desire to write something important about the NBA Finals.
As for Twitter, I was telling anybody that would listen back in the winter time that it was probably the stupidest thing I’d ever heard of. My basis for this rationale came from the fact that, at the time, I thought Facebook status was the worst part of Facebook. The idea of a website that was a simplified version of Facebook status just felt wrong.
Then I heard someone called Russ Bengtson the “Charles Barkley of Twitter”, and naturally I had to check it out. Unbeknownst to my partner in crime, I peeped twitter.com/russbengtson. I liked what I saw, though mainly because I enjoy his musings. However, when I went back a second time, I found myself caught in a strange vortex that combined tidbit thoughts from sportswriters–some of whom I held in high regard–with a gigantic network of celebrities picking their noses and ball players showing that they could be digitally accessible even if they didn’t really say anything interesting. Now, I’m not much for the site’s apparent star f*cking appeal, but it seems to be a really easy way to waste time while promoting yourself.
So here’s the deal: I’m going to pretend to Twitter the game, as if I was actually on Twitter. If the Magic win, I’ll join Twitter. If the Cavs do, I’ll save my soul until they’re eliminated.
PRE:
@Craig Sager: You’re not really aesthetically offensive in lavender. Also: we’re in the same fraternity. Yeah…
@Russ Bengtson: It seems like the Doug Collins man love for LeBron won’t be heard tonight.
–Marv Albert just compared Reggie Miller, as a broadcaster, to a relief pitcher–word to Eric Plunk.
First Quarter:
–Skip opens up with another three. There’s something to be said about a playground player raising his game following an insult.
–9-3 Cavs. They’ve hit their first four shots. Mo Williams looks less “staring death in the face” than he did after Game 4.
@Dwight Howard: Don’t hold the ball so low, big man. You tend to cough it up if their swipes don’t translate into fouls.
–Bill Spooner spoonfeeds the Cavs a Mo Williams three after Hedo steps over the line on an in-bounds pass.
–Spooner is working the game with Mack the Knife.
@Everyone: Can we stop bitching about the refs? Please?
@Mo Williams: You’re on fire. So you’re the new Skip?
–It’s 26-8 and we’re not even halfway through the first quarter. If the Cavs blow this lead, Mo Williams needs to be forced to walk around Cleveland with a rundown shopping cart, like Bubbles from The Wire, saying, “I got them guaran tees”.
–If I hired Shaq to be my bouncer, I’d nickname him TinyUrl.
–It’s 32-10 and Delonte West is balling.
–Anthony Johnson cuts it to a 17-point game with a driving layup. I’m having flashbacks of ’06 Pacers AJ, scoring at will against the Nets in the playoffs.
Second Quarter:
@Wally Szczerbiak: Why are you trying to land body blows on Dwight Howard? You’re too pretty to fight.
–35-23 early in the quarter, and it’s amazing how complacent the Cavs have gotten with a big lead. The operative word used by Marv Albert to describe the lead? Evaporating.
–Craig Sager is getting more minutes than Sasha Pavlovic.
–The Magic continue to cut into the lead. It’s now 8. Things you may already know: Anthony Johnson is clutch; Marcin Gortat slips perfectly on a screen/roll.
–Stan Van Gundy gets a technical for arguing for a foul that shouldn’t have been called. By getting the tech, he turns a Mo Williams made three on a fast break into a turnover. Good job, coach!
@Dwight Howard: Congratulations on the palm-tend. Two points for the Cavs, but impressive nonetheless.
@Orlando Middle Pick-and-Roll: I find your effectiveness obnoxious.
@LeBron James: Kudos on the lesson regarding unselfishness and spatial dynamics.
@Nike: Why is Keenan Thompson playing the voice of the LeBron James puppet? At least let Kel play Kobe…
–The Cavs aren’t fouling Howard hard enough. Some of the fouls on his and-one’s have been absolutely pathetic.
–Two LBJ turnovers lead to a Turkoglu bucket off a crossover and a Howard follow-up dunk. 54-50.
–For what it’s worth, Anderson Varejao is +20 and Anthony Johnson is +13. Maybe they should just play one-on-one to decide the game. Kidding…
–A Rashard/Me three brings the Magic within 1 at the break. Call it predictability of the ridiculous.
–Basketball may be a game of runs, but Cleveland’s Jekyll and Hyde act is mind-boggling.
Third Quarter:
–A Howard layup and a Turkoglu bomb put the Magic up 4.
–Cleveland’s passing is atrocious. It’s a 20-2 run spanning the last 2+ minutes in both the second and third quarters.
–Careless pass by LeBron. He’s now halfway to another “eight turnovers are unacceptable” speech.
–14-3 run for the Cavs to counter the Magic’s spurt earlier in the quarter.
@Freshness: But really, how much of an impact do you have on world class athletes in elimination games? Reggie keeps on talking about you.
@Hedo Turkoglu; You’re playing like the Cavs are the Greek national team.
@Boobie Gibson: Nice to see you.
Fourth Quarter:
–Threes from Boobie Gibson and Mo Williams along with a pair of LeBron free throws help to put the Cavs up 6.
–A Dwight Howard layup and Mickael Pietrus three bring the Magic right back.
@Jay-Z: “Yes Bone and Biggie, better run and tell everybody”
@Seesaws: Enjoying this, no?
–Howard picks up his 5th on a Bron and-one. After more clutch play from Bron and Boobie, Bron does the same thing to foul Howard out and put the Cavs up 9.
@A-Rod: Pretty sure Bron never took steroids, but it’s cool if you keep cheering.
–With the shot clock winding down, Bron throws one of the more ridiculous passes I’ve ever seen to a cutting Vareajo for an and-one and an 11 point lead.
@And-1: Pretty cool that you didn’t have to pay for sponsorship of the fourth quarter, no?
–Anderson Varejao fouls out +26.
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