The Superstar Center/Clown On His Newest Love Affair…
By Jake Appleman/@JakeAppleman
After their victory over Nets on Friday night, Dwight Howard, Anthony Johnson and Jameer Nelson had some fun with the assembled media. Maybe because it was the day before Halloween, they decided to bless some of the writers covering the game with their celebrity look-alikes. Thankfully, veteran guys like David Aldridge, Russ and, um, me were spared.
We pick up the conversation shortly after they all agree that a tallish reporter looks like Ron Burgundy, even though he doesn’t. (Note: Because they were far away and often talking simultaneously, it’s impossible to distinguish between Anthony Johnson and Jameer Nelson on the tape, so I’m including them as one person in the transcript.)
Dwight Howard: Media team in here.
Anthony Johnson/Jameer Nelson [looking at SLAM's Konate Primus, who's blown out his fro]: Ben Wallace.
DH: Ben Wallace, defensive media specialist of the year.
Konate: Ben Wallace don’t look this good, player.
DH: Oh!
AJ/JN: Ooooh!
KP: Do me dirty like that…
[Laughter ensues before Konate remembers something we saw and discussed on press row earlier in the game.]
KP: Yo Dwight, when you talk to the ball, what do you say?
[This occurred in between free throws during the first half. Dwight grabbed the ball, copped a feel of sorts, and handed it back to, if I remember correctly, Dick Bavetta. Bavetta then called seventeen fouls on Brook Lopez in four minutes.]
Me: Yeah, what are you talking about?
DH: I just say whatever comes to my mind.
Me: You called the ball your baby, I saw.
DH: That’s my boo! Trying to take care of her. It’s like my girlfriend. That’s what I’m sayin’, if you don’t care for your girl, she gonna leave you.
Me: Of course, but if there’s many balls, do they all represent one…?
JN/AJ: Balls!
[More laughter ensues, derived from my use of the word "balls," which apparently has homoerotic undertones, even though, if you think about contextually, it doesn't. Seriously, it feels like sixth grade all of a sudden.]
DH: Yeah, we don’t even play with the balls.
JN/AJ: In the game only.
DH: During the game, that’s my baby. She’s a female, during the game.
Me: Right.
DH: She’s not considered a basketball [despite, in fact, being a basketball].
Me: Ok.
DH: Yeah. She’s just…she’s my baby. I try to tell her I love her sometimes. I don’t wanna cheat on my girl.
KP: So you let other dudes touch your girl?
DH: Huh?
JN/AJ: Oh you heard what he say now?
DH: Nah, that’s why I was BLOCKING SHOTS TONIGHT!
If words could block shots, Dwight just did. Now that we’re silenced like the Nets taking it to the rack, Dwight does the only thing appropriate in the situation: he begins to sing.
DH: SINCE I LOST MY BABY…
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