Wednesday, September 6th, 2006 at 5:02 pm  |  11 responses

Omar’s Summer Movie Wrap-Up

The summer movie season came and went. But was it gangsta? Omar lets you know.

by Omar Mazariego

Word to everything, if these Hollywood studios don’t step they game up, these straight to DVD movies are going to become the equivalent to mixtapes. And we all know how record companies feel about mixtapes. It seems like these movie execs are trying to pull the Kansas City Shuffle on a brother! (Please see Lucky Number Sleven for K.C.S. explanation. Now that was a movie!)

This summer was supposed to be filled with blockbusters movies that consisted of mutants, supermen, pirates and snakes — but all we got was mediocre hogwash. With that being said, let me recap this past summer’s hits and sh*ts.

An American Haunting — The movie based on the only actual recording of someone who was killed by a ghost left much to be desired. The screenplay was boring, but the acting wasn’t that bad. The ending was so Disney that I just couldn’t stomach it. This movie had “straight to DVD” written all over it.

Mission: Impossible III — Cookoo Cruise deserves a bowl of Cocoa Puffs for his performance in this jumpoff. Not only were the action sequences something to dazzle the eye, but the dialogue was well thought-out and real funny at times. I still have a problem with Capote playing the main villain (We don’t believe you, you need more people…who ain’t from the village), but you can’t win them all.

The Da Vinci Code — This movie just couldn’t manifest the magic of the book onto the big screen. Not only was the casting a disaster, but…well, actually, that was probably the only problem. Aside from my man Ian McKellen, no one in that movie captured the character they were poised to play. Sorry Tommy boy. You my boy, but that with that wig you should’ve probably been cast in Too Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar 2. That’s just real talk. (French Girl can get it!)

X-Men: The Last Stand — Now, I’m a big comic book fan, so naturally I was let down by this final X-Men installment. The fight scenes were corny, my man Gambit was nowhere to be seen and the legendary Phoenix saga was done about as much justice as Rodney King was. Though the movie was entertaining, it was only an hour and 10 minutes. Please! (Halle Berry can get it with a hearing aid on!)

The Omen — Rumor has it that this movie is in all actuality a premonition of the life and fate of TomKat’s baby. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but think about it. How come we haven’t seen him yet? Remember Rosemary’s Baby?? In any case, you’re better off seeing the original Omen. (Julia Styles coulda got it in Save The Last Dance, but not so much in this one.)

Nacho Libre — Not only should I be offended by a white man whose last name is Black making a movie about a Latino wrestler, but I should be furious at the fact that he’s talking with an good knock-off accent and is trying to bag a nun. (She was a cutie tho. I would’ve tried to woo her in-between her rosaries too (God forgive me)). This movie was funny, but that slap-stick s*** can only entertain for so long. (The nun coulda got it before and after confession!)

Superman Returns — This movie is one of the best comic book movies ever made. The script was great and the special effects impressed, but again, the casting was not up to par. Superman did not look like a man. He more resembled a boy who belongs in an Olsen Twins movie. Lois Lane needs to eat a tic-tac (I heard they pack a mean calorie) and get some meat on them bones. My man Kevin Spacey did kill it though. But my man Kumar didn’t have one line. He was probably cast just for racial purposes. Either way it was a great movie. (Lois Lane couldn’t get the scoop even if I was on X)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest — Johnny, what happened, man?? You was the man in The Curse of The Black Pearl, but in this one you were like a boy lost in Michael Jackson’s house. Yes, the special effects and humor were great, but your soul just wasn’t there. I enjoyed the movie but I don’t think I’d pay $10 to sit there for that long agin. And am I the only person alive who’s just aching for him to star in a movie version of “21 Jump Street”? (Ms. Knightley can get it with them funky pirate boots on. Matter of fact, I think I’d prefer it that way)

A Scanner Darkly – The movie was rather lame and well, dull. The concept of a undercover cop who becomes addicted to a new drug has been done to death. Though the animation used on the actors was interesting, the movie said much ado about nothing. The most entertaining part of the movie was watching Robert Downey Jr. act like his sheisty, and snitching gender bending self. And Winona Ryder actually looked attractive animated. I’d date her just because she’s a klepto. You need a woman like that in your corner sometimes. (Winona can get it after she steals me some money)

My Super Ex-Girlfriend — My man Khalid was right, Uma’s a sexy beast! Well, more like a sexy praying mantis, but sexy none the less. This movie was definitely a surprise. It had me laughing like a madman watching Faces of Death, na’mean? Luke Wilson’s comedic abilities are entirely too underrated. The faces he made when Uma first gave him the nookie were priceless. And yes, I was turned on watching that scene. Eh, call me simple. (Uma can get it in the Mantis position…if that even exists)

Another Gay Movie – Haven’t seen it yet, but Sam tells me good things. (Ask Sam who can get it. I have not a clue)

Note from Sam: Don’t act like your Brokeback Mountain review never happened.

Miami Vice — I still don’t understand why they ain’t let Jamie Foxx rock the perm that the original Rico used to rock. I saw Jamie Foxx’s story on VH1’s “Driven”. He used to really have that kind of hair. The audience needed that entertainment cause the only two action sequences of the film just wasn’t enough to make this movie pop off. And really, looking at The Colin adjust his wig every 2-5 minutes became distracting to me. And come on, this is Miami Vice, but there were like 2 good looking women in the whole flick, and one was Asian. Where’s my Cubanas at???

The Descent — Blood and gore!!! I love blood and gore!!! This is probably the best horror movie I’ve seen since The Ring. A gang of girls who go cave hunting end up running into a underground gang of humanoids who love to eat anything with a heartbeat — yeah, sounds like magic. The kind of magic that comes from overseas because Hollywood don’t have the cojones to get down and dirty like this. Very graphic killings and a sexy woman by the name of Juno made this movie a must see in my book. (Juno won’t just get it. She will get that and a engagement ring too!)

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby — Will Ferrell is the man. Playing a half-witted racecar driver who only knows how to win and only wants to go fast is just up this man’s alley. What I wouldn’t give for Will to play George Bush in the movie of G-Dub’s life. I mean sheeeeeee-it! If something was to ever happen to the Prezident, the government could throw a wig on Will and the American people wouldn’t be the wiser. Damn, isn’t that a shame?

Pulse — Again, back to my beef with Hollywood. Why would you take a wack Japanese movie and make it into a wack American flick? A movie about ghosts that come and take your will to live because you have a cell phone or a computer or just anything with a high frequency? Ooooh, I’m shook daddy. I will say, it was better than it’s predecessor, but that’s not saying anything. The Japanese version put me to sleep and this American version made me sleepy.

Snakes On A Plane — Sam “The Muthaf***** Man” Jackson vs. a plane filled with deadly and poisonous snakes…sounds like a recipe for disaster. But it wasn’t. This movie is guaranteed to be a cult classic. I laughed, I cried (because I was laughing so hard), was kept in suspense and the people who were victimized got it raw dog. It was great, man. There was even some good brief nudity. Guess where she got bit…bulls eye!!! (The stewardess (any of them) can get it as soon as the plane is a mile in the sky. Snakes and all.)

Crank — So he got injected with a poison that’ll kill him once he stops moving. Like my man Ry Jones said, “So it’s like the movie Speed but with a man.” While I found the movie funny and entertaining, it really was over the top and extremely exaggerated. This movie will be an insult to anyone who lives his life strictly by the laws of physics. Just ask my man, Khalid. Man does he have a story to tell.

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  • c-note

    Good to see Omar back on the scene.

  • Ryan Jones

    Technically, O, I said “a man instead of a bus,” but I appreciate the shout-out. I just hope dude didn’t sleep with Keanu Reeves like your girl did in Speed, or else we’ve found your other gay movie after all.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  • Chris O’Leary

    Omar, how are you gonna rip Crank like that? I was expecting five gangsta’s out of five for this thing.

  • Max Airington

    I trust your judgment, so I’m gonna check out S.O.A.P. But I also trusted Roger Ebert and saw “Get Rich…”, which made me realize I don’t deal well with disappointment. You notice that Mr. Ebert has taken a leave of abscence. Don’t let me down. I’d hate for my second favorite Omar to miss season four of The Wire….

  • M.K. Petrik

    Omar, with the Toronto International Film Festival going on, you definitely should be
    up here covering it.

    I could only imagine your reaction during the Borat Premiere when the projector broke and the film had to be cancelled to a chorus of boos!

  • flYellO 7

    Definately the G.O.A.T when it comes to letting us know what’s really hood on that cinematic tip. About that Nacho Libre; I thought Jack was doing that switchback between Italian and Hispanic on purpose which is what made it funny. But you can’t front, when my man threw that corn and it stuck in old boy’s eye socket that did it for me…I lost it! Good wrap up of the summer flicks even though I only saw about 4 of them joints.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Khalid Salaam

    Hold up Chris. Are u saying that you lked “Crank”? Only sh– then. because no jokes, no trying to be a comedian, no trying to get the bloggers to respond–this was the worst movie i’ve ever seen. Worse than “Baby Boy” and ask about me, i’d rather eat prunes and ex-lax than watch that. Crank was so stupid, so over the top that i got into a argument with the girl i went to see it with. i wasn’t really trying to see it. i wanted to see Idlewild (has anyone seen it? how is it?) or SOAP but th girl was so amped and i was pretty indifferent so i was like yeah whatever. ANd about 2 minutes into the move i was like–this is some BS!. I glanced at her every so often to see if she was thinking like i was but she was sitting up in her seat like she was watching Dead Presidents or something. So afterwards, in the hall on the way out i basically told her that this movie is a reflection of your intelligence and taste and that maybe us going out isn’t gonna work. Only i said it while cursing. I realize that not seeing someone b/c they have bad taste in movies is a Seinfeld move but damn that was a corny flick. Full of over the top violence and profanity and senseless dialougue. If you under 10 its awesome, otherwise it sucks. It was for small brain people. Please no one go and see it. FYI. i’m feeling this joint “Children of Men”. Can’t wait to see that. Otherwise i’m good on movies for a minute

  • ChiPrincess

    Ok I have to agree with the reviews O gave for the movies I saw this summer. He was on point. I just have one question…Why are you always trying to give it to all the women in the movies? I sincerely hope you get it. LOL

  • Esco

    Snakes on a Plane was the best movie mentioned

  • http://HornetsReport.com Fredo

    Khalid: Idlewild is good. Not great, but good. You can buy into the whole “Outkast is splitting up” rift here, cause Dre and Boi are each doing their own separate stories. They’re in no more than 5 minutes of film together. That hurt the film.

    Oh and if you saw the trailer and thought you were going to get a lot of music numbers, nope. If you liked “Speakerboxxx/Love Below” that’s what you get here. The only new number is the closer at the end. I felt this needed to be a full damn musical (with everything from jazz and blues to hip-hop. You know, connect the musical dots). At least give Terrence Howard a number!

    Like I said, good, not great.

    Omar: Compadre, here’s my Top 10 “Can Get It” list for this summer

    Clerks 2 – Rosario Dawson
    Crank – Amy Smart
    MI3 – Maggie Q
    DaVinci Code – Audrey Tautou
    Pirates 2 – Keira Knightley
    Talladega Nights – Amy Adams
    SOAP – Elsa Pataky
    Idlewild – Paula Patton
    District B13 – Dany Verissimo
    X3 – Famke Jannsen

  • http://www.myspace.com/mushm0uth5 Maurice Wheeler

    Hahaha Khalid was on point with that one…man the girl i’m wit now,she has horrible movie taste…she actually thinks 4 brothers was a great action movie…come on now 4 brothers!?!, and yea Idlewild is a coo movie…a lil out there but what else can you expect from Andre 3000, the ending will probably make you mad like it did for me but you should see it whenever you get the chance