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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 at 3:39 pm  |  83 responses

Movie Review: Watchmen

Who watches the Watchmen? Omar does!

by Omar Mazariego

The Watchmen are to the comic book guys of the world what Girl Scouts are to Roman Polanski—almost like the Holy Grail or something. As a graphic novel, Watchmen was considered a masterpiece and no one thought it could possibly be made into a film. But then again, it came out in the year 1986, and back then Jeff Goldblum transforming into The Fly was as good as special effect got. Twenty-two years later, geeks and virgins can rejoice because the unfilmable comic book has hit the silver screen.

So me and a few of my homies went to see it, and needless to say we could’ve easily robbed everyone in that theater. I mean for real, besides us there wasn’t one person in there with a street bone in their body. I was two seconds away from kicking it to this cutie right in front of her man. And dude was like a foot and a half taller than me. When the lights dimmed and the previews came on he squealed like the young LL Cool J in that Old Spice commercial. But whatever.

I was there to see Watchmen and I must say, the story was straight genius. It was history rewritten.  In the 1940’s, regular people became superheroes and made a huge difference not only in the US mmpicbut around the world. Not only did the United States win the Vietnam war because of their help, but Nixon was able to stick around for a fifth term in office. By the time the ‘60s came around, superheroes were considered vigilantes and they become outlawed. Some retired and ended up with your everyday 9 to 5 jobs and others worked with the government. Then one by one they’re murdered, including a super hot lesbian and her lover. (This is a role Lindsay Lohan should have fought tooth and nail to get. Aside from being a well-known hot lesbian whose career could use mouth-to-mouth resuscitation—pun very much intended—the role is only like 2 minutes long. It coincides with her work ethic perfectly).

But when an ex-hero called The Comedian (a real douche bag of a man) is murdered, his old homie Rorschach (dude with a mask that has moving ink or something) investigates. In his investigation he turns to his old Watchmen teammates: Nite Owl II (real herb of a man—glasses, no chin and the ‘04 Ryan Jones wig piece); Dr. Manhattan (blue dude with atomic matter for a body who’s an exhibitionist); Silk Spectre II (cute shorty with a weirdly oversized head for her body who turns out to be a slut); and Ozymandias (flamboyant dude who everyone refers to as the smartest man in the world).

But Rorschach learns that each and every one of them is reluctant to come out of retirement (if only Michael Jordan and Jay-Z were former Watchmen). So Rorschach goes off on his own while each one of them goes into their personal memories of The Comedian, a selfish muthaf*cka that was more villain than he was a hero. Without going into how evil he was, let me just say that Rihanna is damn lucky that Chris Brown is her man and not The Comedian. So the ex-heroes refuse to get involved.

But Rorschach does gives them something to think about. And at a time when the US and USSR are in the middle of a cold war and are just a hop, skip and a jump away from launching nuclear missiles at each other, they have a lot to ponder, including feelings of regret and unfinished business.

So for the next two hours and forty-five minutes we’re treated to origin stories, dialogue that goes deep into the nature of men and the human psyche and a lot of scenes featuring blue balls (literally). To put it shortly, like most women, Silk is living in denial; Owl is living in fear; Ozy is looking to bring world peace; Ror refuses to live a normal life and Dr. Manhattan is losing his humanity. In-between all of this a lot of limbs get severed, tears get shed, a Bush-like plot to “save the world” from itself is discovered and there was a superhero sex scene so long and graphic that going to the very back of the theater and getting my Paul Reubens on actually crossed my mind. During that scene an entire family (two parents and 4 children) got up and left. This in turned caused me to laugh out loud and say, “Esto no es pelicula de Disney!” (they were a Latino family).

Contrary to what most critics say, I wasn’t blown away by this movie. It’s 3.5 Gangstas at most.

I’m not a huge comic book buff though I do occasionally buy them to be entertained (Is Batman really dead?), but I’ve never read Watchmen, so I have nothing to go off of what it should’ve been like. I hear true Watchmen fans are disappointed. My personal opinion is that it was OK. The credits during the beginning of the movie had a phenomenal opening sequence, showing how the world was changing year by year and how each hero was significant to it. It was art.

And as great as the story was, it just seemed hollow at times due to the acting from Silk, Ozy and even Dr. Manhattan. Their portrayal of the comic’s characters left much to be desired. You really didn’t care how they resolved their issues—and after a while you really don’t care if they live or die in a nuclear war, you just want to see an ending to the movie, period. It really felt like it should’ve been tagged “The Never Ending Story 3.”

Visually, it was fantastic, but everything else needed the kind of work that Michael Jackson and Lil’ Kim get done yearly. So for that I’ll advise y’all to wait for Watchmen on cable. Unless the DVD has an actual “ending” to the sex scene. Then I’d say go for the gusto and check that out.

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  • http://iwantoutofokc.com/ James the balla

    first

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    I think you nailed it, O.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    I told O I’m not reading any more of his reviews until he sees Milk. Sorry homie.

  • Pingback: SLAM ONLINE |

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    The Ryan Jones ’04 wig piece line made this review for me.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    O is so good.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    O, you did nail it. Me and my girl went to see it and, like you, neither of us read the book. After the movie, she said the story was great, the plot was on point, it had good graphics, but it dragged in parts and was too damn long.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Myles Brown

    The comic was much better just cause it allowed more room for detail and multiple storylines. I missed the little things like the effect Rorschach had on the psychologist and the relationships between other minor characters like the newspaperman and the cab driver. And the plot twists that made the comic such a classic were abandoned for lazy replacements that seemed to be for the sake of keeping the movie short more than anything else. I was kinda disappointed in the flick, but its probably cause I had such high expectations. 3.5 sounds about right. Nice work, O.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    O, I’ve read Watchmen a few times (when it was first released back in the day and then over time) and was excited to see how they would have translated everything. It’s ok. Not great. They changed a lot of sh*t to codense it down, but it’s not terrible. Just not outstanding. Btw, homegirl should have given Nightowl some dome in the Owl-orb to make that scene stand out and he should have had her put one leg up and then got it from the back….and he could have probably hit moms at the end too.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    I don’t remember which wig piece I was rocking ’04… any help?

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Oh, and if I didn’t say it: Rorschach is that dude!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Are you all aware that the dude that played Rorschach is the same kid that was in the old school Bad News Bears that played Kelly Leak, the kid that had the motorcycle and smoked and sh*t?

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Cheryl

    Thanks for the heads-up,O. I’ll catch the DVD. BTW, the Rhianna side-track was oh so cold. But you knew that, didn’t you?

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Izzo

    Internet nerds need to be held accountable for this one.I was expecting big things with the buzz.It was ok at best.
    Co-sign Ryan on the Milk thing,great movie.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Ryan, remember, I used to always say you had the old school Farrah Fawcett jumpoff? Used to hand you the phone and say, “it’s Charlie.”

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    And Eboy, did Nite Owl get brained in the Owl-orb???

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Oh and Ryan, my video store has Milk on DVD but spending $3 to rent it seems like SO much money in today’s recession. Especially after I dropped $65 on Resident Evil 5 today. And btw, I saw Gran Torino last night. It was hella dope.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    O: I do not remember that. You might’ve been hight that year.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Denial isn’t just a river you cry at night, Ryan.

  • http://www.basketbrasil.com.br Rubens

    didn’t have time ot watch the movie yet… comic is great… Eboy bringing the trivia, hehehe

  • http://joeloholic.wordpress.com Joel O’s

    What. How much did they change of the story from book to film? I haven’t seen it yet but I’m thinking that without all the interesting tidbits and backstory, like those newspaper articles and stuff that fleshed out the characters, there’s no way you can do each major character justice. Sigh.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    For the record, will someone please reach out to Carla Gugino and inform her that O says he’ll totally let her get her cougar on with the kid. Straight ravage me.

  • http://joeloholic.wordpress.com Joel O’s

    Oh and great review! I’m just going to wait for the DVD to come out. If the movie can’t impress someone who hasn’t read the book, there’s probably no way it’s gonna impress a big fan of it.

  • http://www.ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com Allenp

    I think some nerd juice got on me while reading these comments.

  • http://sjsu.edu davidR

    review is on point o. and nope, nite owl didnt get dome in the book haha.

  • http://sjsu.edu davidR

    gran torino was a dope movie. the best unintentional comedy i’ve ever seen between clints racist remarks and the terrible acting from all the asians.

  • http://www.slamonline.comi Jake Appleman

    Sounds about right. Great job, O. Gotta love that Ryan Jones Word Press.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Good lookin Lang, Ben, Jake, Joel, Tad, Eboy and whoever else liked the review. The love is much appreciated. Btw, Gran Torino really was the best unintentional comedy i’ve seen since Street Fighter with Jean Claude Van Damn.

  • riggs

    rorschach alone deserves 5 gangstas just for the prison scene, i mean come on O!

  • WhaHuh

    The intro was the best bit of the film. Its a good film but it feels very hollow compared to the comic. The music choices were intrusive and attempted to tell the story, dragging me out of the film

  • http://holleringinto.wordpress.com/ Nick the Great

    Personally, I kind of disagree with O on this one, though as usual I thought that his review was awesome. I liked the movie from top down, from the acting to the music, but I guess we all have to have our own tastes. O still gets five out of five gangstas for the review…

  • thesubwayconnection

    I’m with Eboy on this one. He’s basically got my opinion out already.

  • O

    The music choices were flawless. Sound of Silence is a classic. And you right, Riggs. Ror’s character gets 5 Gangstas, and the prison scene was off the meatrack, but the film as a whole was OK.

  • Mum-Rar! Transform!

    Till this day i havent read a better comic. So i well pass on watching the watchmen. I just dont want to destroy the allusion of the book. Every time i read it, its like i leave this universe and go to one that is truley disastours. To those that want to see the movie, READ THE BOOK!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Justin Walsh

    damn O said girl scouts and Roman Polanski. True film buffs know that joke. props O.

  • http://hibachi20.blogspot.com DP

    Rorshach is my freakin hero. I’ve read the book and it is a piece of artwork man. I haven’t seen the movie yet but from what I heard, it’s pretty good. I also heard it was like 3 hours so that’s not so cool but I just want to see my boy Rorshach pour that hot grease on that guy’s face…not that’s gangsta.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    the most gangsta guy ever is Alan Moore the writer of Watchmen. He didn’t want anything to do with it being made into a movie so he refused to be a part of it and didn’t care about royalties. He also has another girl him and his wife “share”, he’s actually an anarchist, and he practices witchcraft. Oh, and he wrote “The Killing Joke”, which invented the version of the Joker that everyone loved in Dark Knight.
    The comic is obviously legendary. The movie… eh. Changing the ending was not a good idea.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Good lookin’ Justin. I was aiming for y’all with that one. Does Alan Moore really do witchcraft? I remember buying The Killing Joke when it first came out more than a decade ago. Still got it and love it. It’s worth $40 now.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    He’s into all kinds of “stuff.” Omar, I’m co-teaching a movie criticism class. You might have to come in as a guest speaker. We watched Shawshank Redemption. One kid told me he liked that a white guy was murdered first, but “not in a racist way.”

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    My homie said the same thing. LOL.

  • http://joeloholic.wordpress.com Joel O’s

    Haha I thought it was a matter of time before Sam weighed in. Regarding the Dark Knight – if Alan Moore / Frank Miller had a say in it, they woulda rewrote the scene with the boat-bombs and made the civilians fold first and blow the hell out of the ship full of convicts… that would’ve made a much stronger, sharper point.

  • http://www.xtremecouture.ca LeeVan

    - The opening sequence was dope
    - Carla Gugino can DEFINITELY get it! (My boy made me put “Sin City” on when we got home cuz I told him about her nude scene)
    - Some of the acting was pretty dull (and what was with the dude who played Veidt/Ozymandias and his soft R’s?
    - The subtle details and nods to the book were nice .
    *note: pay attention to the folder names on Veidt’s computer…then wish that you hadn’t.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Justin Walsh

    Sam, I’m a huge film buff & watch movies and stuff all the time. Any whay I can help out? Movies are my crack.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    LeeVan, now you got me curious, and the folder names were…?

  • http://www.slamonline.com Justin Walsh

    O, I can tell you that, Ozymandias had a folder with the word “boys” on it. He was gay for kids.

  • ka

    omar is on point even when he doesn’t get it. 3 point 5 is about right. LOL at allenp nerdjuice

  • T Money

    I think Rorschach is Steve Nash’s real father

  • http://www.mynameinorange.blogspot.com Hisham

    Omar always has me googling 1 or two chicks that ‘can get it’, and they always can

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    Carla Gugino can ALWAYS get it in my book. DAMN!

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    “Esto es no pelicula de Disney”, goodness gracious, my head is still reeling from that one. totally flabbergasted!

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    Would Polanski still be dragged off in Shackles if he set foot in North America? Bush couldn’t do a last disservice by pardoning his molesting butt? Awwww. (Eff Roman Polanski btw!)

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    They should’ve given her Dr. Manhattan’s wardrobe. 2 hours and 20 full frontal nude scenes into the movie I turned to my friend and was like “Well, there it is again.” You had to be there, it was funny.

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    Omar, have you seen Lindsay Lohan lately? She’s so skinny she could makes thongs look like boxers

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    I apologize for the awful grammar.

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    “i’m not in here with you, you’re in here WITH MEEE”. Glorious.

  • Western Hemisphere

    No one read Watchmen when it was published and all the marketing in the world is not saving it or this movie from ending up the same way. A British faux-comic couldn’t really get the idea down as to what a comic really is. Aside from that, the audience speaks for itself as it always does. That’s the way it goes.

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    okay, one of the few good lines in the movie.

  • http://www.twitter.com/azmanian_devil Azhar

    wow man, you echo my sentiments exactly. now i’ve read the comic so a couple of the parts felt so dragged on. no wonder the movie was like almost 3 hrs long. Visually it was very appealing, but with a great story to start off, I think the character development was not etched out properly and it could’ve used some editing to tighten up the slack. 3/5 is a decent rating for the movie.

    I think if I didn’t read the comic before watching the movie, I would’ve liked it better. Maybe if I read the comic again now I’d like it better. lol..but great review.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Damn, dude had a “Boys” file. That’s just disgusting. And word? Lindsay fell off hardbody like that? Damn. I remember how fly she was in Mean Girls. I might have to read the comic now just to see what the big fuss is about. Btw, just copped Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk #3 (it came out 2 years after it’s original release date) and it’s pretty damn dope.

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    i’ve stopped buying the ultimates line. Ultimatum event is just pure garbage right now. I prefer to go with The different avengers teams at the moment. Wow, look at me, nerding it up with O.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Dark…..it’s not just you…I’m a comic book guy since I was a little eboy.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    I only buy joints once in a blue moon. I’ma keep it real. Wolverine is my dude, but i don’t buy his comics. But making a series based off him fighting Hulk alone, i’m there. Before this the last joints I copped was Marvel Zombies which was bananas too.

  • http://www.manutd.com Z

    O, drought is over part 6 or dedication 3?

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Drought is Over 6. That Dedication Thr33 was T-Wayne (he tried to be T-Pain is what I mean), not Lil Wayne.

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    E. wouldn’t have had you down as a comics addict. Fascinating. Know what movie/thrillride i’m kinda looking forward to as well? GI Joe. (i know, i know, there’s a wayans in there somewhere, but SNAKEYES finally personified? Are you kidding, that is the sh*t right there.)

  • ka

    can’t believe u guys are getting your nerd on here. in an o piece no less. dissapointed in all of you. make note to check in later. hurm.

  • http://sjsu.edu davidR

    o, you gotta see the entourage episodes carla is in. damn!

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    yep, davidR is soooo right. Especially season 4 of entourage. Pure heat that woman.

  • http://spaceshipjay/myspace.com Spaceship Jay

    I wasn’t a fan of the constant blue wang shots from Dr. Manhattan.

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    hehe, “wang”.

  • riggs

    anyone who loved the watchmen comic will love the rising stars comic….trust me on that one.

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    Holy smokes, Batman. I just read somewhere that Scarlett has signed on for Iron Man 2….TO PLAY NATASHA ROMANOVA, THE FREAKING BLACK WIDOW!!!!! How can i put my appreciation of this into words? Umm, arrrrrgahragharehgahr. Yeah, something like this. If Favreau dares change any seam in the classic black widow costume, i’m denouncing him as a terrorist sleeper agent online!

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    Idk if that’s a good movie, man. Anytime there’s TOO many celebrities in a comic movie we end up with Batman & Robin. Clooney was by far thee worst Batman ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=627550406 KA

    nerdjuice or not i am totally down with seeing scarlett johansen in black tights, girl can get it fer sho.

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    She’s too slutty for my taste. She let Benecio Del Toro blamm her out in an elevator at the Oscars or something. I’m good on her…

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    Normally i’d agree Obamarrrr, but it’s the quality of actors that matters. Back then Clooney hadn’t really gotten great reviews in most of his movies, Syriana etc. Were stiil far away. And check Dark Knight: Ledger, Bale, Caine, Freeman, Oldman, Eckhart, even Maggie. A-listers galore!

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    For real? So you are a us weekly subscriber, O?? Hehe. I am totally torn on Scarlett. On one she is radiant, especially as a blonde (saw vcbarcelona yesterday, jesus! Talk about a nice spread of ladies), and i loved her in scoop and on her snl hosting gig a while back. BUT i am not yet convinced she is THAT great an actress the pundits make her out to be. Actually if this is a dark avengers type plot, scarlett would be a purrrfect black widow 2, if it’s natasha though, you nerd a lithe hardbody with just the right curves: megan fox, come on down!

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    nerd a hardbody??? NEED!

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    I don’t subscribe to any magazine though Gamepro has crossed my mind here and there. And you’re right, it IS the quality of actors. But still, like you said, Scarlett isn’t a great actress, she’s just hot. This is a time where they can get talented nobody’s who should get their chance to blow up.

  • Dave

    Yo O you should flip the script and review Resident evil 5..there was a neverending line at gamestop in the BX…sh*ts crazy

  • http://Slamonline.com O

    HA! Suckers! I got mine on Tuesday at the hood shop. You know the hood could give a f*ck less about Release dates… And i’ve never reviewed a videogame. Could prove tricky.

  • http://www.coffeerama.com coffee

    my immediate reaction to Watchmen is to feel haunted by the intense style and storyline — haunted in a good way that is… overall i loved it

  • http://www.hoopbots.com/ Allen Iverson

    I love the Watchmen! Good film, thanks for this post dawg.

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