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Friday, January 15th, 2010 at 1:24 pm  |  60 responses

The Most Gangsta/Ungangsta Moments of ’09

Omar reviews ’09 like only he can.

by Omar Mazariego

Most Gangsta Moments

(Honorable Mentions: Run DMC gets a street named after them; Perez Hilton gets chin checked by Black Eyed Peas; Etta James sh*t’s on Beyonce’s Inauguration performance; Heath Ledger wins the Oscar for his portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight)

5. Supreme Queen – Sonia Sotomayor is living proof that young Latina women needn’t look up to fugazy women like Jennifer Ho-please (I have my reasons) to be relevant or successful. This Boricua out of the Boogie Down embodies what immigrants envision for their children when they come to the U.S. She grew up in the hood of Soundview in the South Bronx, studied her ass off, went to Princeton University, graduated. Continued her education at Yale and got certified from there. Then she went on to put in some work for the law and in 1994 put an end to the baseball strike. (We love you for that, ma!) Her gangsta was finally recognized by President Obama when she was nominated for the Supreme Court, where she currently resides. Man listen! Is she single? Is she seeing anyone right now? I need a woman like that in my life. Straight out the hood, educated and about something. From the slums to the Supreme, the Sonia Sotomayor story is getting told to my daughters every night before going to sleep.

4. Ballin’ Outta Control Pt. 2 – Haters can say all that want about the Yankees buying a World Series title, but at the end of the day, it isn’t completely about money. It’s about brains AND money. The Yankees have had the highest payroll for the past decade and only have two rings to show for it. So whatchu sayin’?! Brian Cashman finally got it right. After a season filled with walk-off wins, pies, steroid scandals, Kate Hudson and record-breaking moments thanks to the Cap’n, Derek Jeter, it was all topped off with what NY fans have been waiting for, for the past 9 years: a World Series title. Now I’m a Yankees fan to heart, but I would like to see the Mets at least attempt to make big moves. Omar Minaya, you don’t even deserved to bear my name, but I digress. Now, I can honestly say I don’t expect the Yankees to take it all this year, but come next off-season, if they can sign Carl Crawford, Joe Mauer and Cliff Lee (making their payroll $250 million), then it’s pretty safe to say they’ll be taking home the next 4-7 World Series titles.

3. Ride the Coup – On June 28th the former President of Honduras, Manuel Zelaya, was arrested by his country’s military, put on a plane and flown to Costa Rica, being forced into exile. Why, you ask? Well, when your President—who’s best friends with Venezuelan dictator, Hugo Chavez—decides to tear up the constitution in order to get himself reelected as many times as he wants, against the wishes of his Congress and the Supreme Court; refuses to implement more than 100 laws that Congress passed and instead imposes laws that he wants; fires the chief of the military for not joining in on the corruption; as well as just a bunch of other suspect crap, gangsta sh*t happens. So that morning he awoke to armed soldiers in his home and “signed” his letter of resignation before being shipped off to the country with no military. Next thing you know the man who once spoke out against U.S. policies in Latin America to appease his BFF, Hugo Chavez, and was crying to Hilary Clinton to help him get his position of power back. She tried to help, but ultimately, there’s still a warrant for his arrest in Honduras and should he set one foot in the country he once led, he’ll be thrown in jail.

2. Cheetah – This muthaf*cka Tiger Woods had more Ho’s than a Chinese phone book (some might say he’s keeping it real with his roots); more Turkey Bacon (new term for white chicks in the hood) than Ghost Face Killah’s breakfast; more gold diggers than California in 1849. It began with a car crash but ended as a train wreck. It started innocently enough. After Cheetah crashed his whip into a tree, a police investigation into why he did that turned up a mistress. He’s famous, so he was bound to have a side dish. But then it was two and then three and four and five and before you know it, he had more shorties down with him than the LPA. But what killed me about everything was that none of those dust b*tches were hotter than his wife! And who breaks the player rule of leaving texts and messages saying your name?! He deserved to get bagged. Next thing you know, he started getting dropped from all his sponsors. Accenture (who the f*ck are they?!), AT&T, Tag Heuer, and that’s only the beginning so far. Tough luck. There’s always Fubu.

1. Presidential Inauguration – Not just a gangsta moment of 2009 but a historic one for all time. After all the talk and fear that Barack Obama wouldn’t live to set his right hand on the Bible and get sworn in, it happened, and I can testify that this was the only time in my life that me and my whole crew spoke on the Presidential Inauguration. There’s nothing like knowing you’re witnessing and are in fact a part of history. He delivered a good speech and had us believing that his intentions of a better tomorrow are sincere. Emotions were high and you could just feel a new beginning was and is on the horizon. Given, his first year hasn’t really been anything to write home about, but he still has 3 years to leave his mark and I’m willing to bet if the GOP would stop playing games, President Obama will get this country back on the right track and do for us what Auto-Tune did for T-Pain’s career.

Most Ungangsta Moments

(Dishonorable Mentions: Padre Alberto spot gets blown by his girlfriend; Bay Area cops kill Oscar Grant for no reason; The Mets entire season; Kanye bum-rushes Taylor Swift’s VMA moment; Perez Hilton gets rolled on by Black Eyed Peas; The whole Jon and Kate plus 8 f*ckery; Judge makes Nas pay Kelis $60,000 a month; Michael Jordan’s HOF speech; LL Cool J gets snubbed for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; A-Rod tested positive for Steroids, but comes clean.)

5. Sensitive Thugs Y’all All Need Hugs – When I read about Jim Jones and company jumping Ne Yo and Jigga’s homie, Ty-Ty’s little brother, at a Louis Vuitton, store all I could think about was that line from the Dave Chappelle/Rick James skit: “They should’ve never let y’all have money!” Here’s a “thug” who prides himself on being G’d up and pimped down, but his only real claims to fame are getting beat up by Junior Mafia (Brooklyn!!) in his own backyard (Rucker Park), and then laying the smack down on a young’n at a fashion store that was really only made for women and rich white men. And why are you even shopping at Louis Vuitton? Youse a one hit wonder who ain’t even go platinum. You better diversify ya bonds, homie! It’s cause of things like this that the hip-hop world doesn’t take NY rappers seriously anymore. For every Maino or Saigon who comes on the scene we have 8 Jim Jones, 5 Mims and a few Nicki Minaj’s taking away their shine with their mediocre, materialistic-driven bullsh*t. I bet the next time I read anything of substance about Jim Jones it’ll probably include the words “altercation” before ending with “at a Hello Kitty Shop.” For real man, next time you decide to throw down at a clothing store, at least let it be at a Dr. Jays or Jimmy Jazz.

4. All Glocks Down! – I don’t even know what to make of Gilbert Arenas at this point. They say while in the Wizards locker room, he laid down four pieces of toast on a chair and told his teammate Javaris Crittenton, “Pick one,” as if to say, “That’s the one you’re gonna get clapped with.” All over a few thousand dollars. I mean, Big said “Either ya slingin’ crack rock or you got a wicked jumpshot,” and lucky for Agent Zero he’s been blessed with the latter, but he’s in the locker room acting like he’s holding down the corner from crill competitors. He’s getting paid $100 million to shoot the ball, not his teammates. I hate on heads like him cause me and the homies are still in the hood (Brooklyn!) struggling to keep our heads above water in this recession, and here’s a multi-millionaire pulling cannons, acting like he’s on the block with us. Give me Gilbert money and word to everything I love I’ll walk barefoot to Mordor itself and throw my burner in that lava and live happily ever after.

3. Show You What I Learned From Ike – In no way, shape or form do I condone putting your hands on a woman. Now, when the news broke about Chris Breezy beating on Rihanna the way Khloe Kardashian beat a “Pre-nup” out of Lamar Odom, it was rumored that the reason he did it was because she gave him that magical gift that keeps on giving. I’ve always said, “I’ll take anything free as long as it’s not a STD.” It’s one thing to get crabs or the clap cause they’re both treatable and more importantly, curable. But like my dunn Darby said, “I’ll kill the b*tch that gives me general herpes.” (Darby’s damn near 30 years old by the way and he thought general herpes was the soldier strain of the STD as opposed to your everyday worker herpes.) But then it was said that Chris beat her down for other reasons, and he cheated on her and she hit him first so he hit her back, but he never mentioned anything about STD’s. So for that, he gets two thumbs down like Will Ferrell’s “Western grip handjob.”

2. ICE Cold – A man walks into an immigration center in Binghamton, NY packing a .45 and .9, and simply opens fire. Having blocked the back door with a car, the people in the place are left with nowhere to run, thus leaving 12 families to mourn their lost loved ones. Does it become a tragedy or receive any national attention? Maybe if one of the immigrants had 8 kids…oh wait, they probably did. I take things like this to heart cause my parents are immigrants from El Salvador, and anything immigrant related that’s unjust and overlooked strikes a chord with me. I got mad love for Obama and respect what he’s accomplished and what he’s doing, but that immigration reform he promised to look into has been a non-issue so far. And from what I read and see in the Spanish news, more immigrants have been deported in ’09 than in ’08. One-hundred-and-fifty children whose parents were about to be deported sued President Obama in hopes of keeping their parents here and avoiding foster care, and that doesn’t make headlines? Nope. It’s probably because we have bigger issues at hand like Americans pulling hoaxes with their children and chickenheads giving birth to 8 kids while an Asian dude and white chick who are raising another 8 are going through a divorce. Maybe if those immigrant’s kids flew away on a balloon—oh wait, that’s the plan.

1. The Death of Michael Jackson – Even though there was always that black cloud of pedophilic doubt over him, Michael Jackson was still the biggest star on earth. The music he created from childhood to his adult years was timeless and the true definition of classic. When I found out that Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest, I couldn’t help but feel sad for him. Not sad that he died, but sad for the life he lived. In a lot of ways he was the epitome of self-hate, what with all the skin bleaching, nose reconstruction and hair care; you could tell Mike literally wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. Whether that was a result of “Father or The Year” Joe Jackson’s parenting or just the price of fame claiming his entire childhood, the man never seemed to be, well, a man. He was like a real-life Peter Pan, a lost boy who spent his life looking for his own identity while trying to keep up with his own shadow. It was the ultimate gift and curse. All the talent, money and fame in the world, but he was probably as miserable as can be behind the whole façade. He was loved by many, hated by few but will be remembered by all. R.I.P. Michael Jackson. There’s probably a hell of a concert in heaven right now. Mike, Teddy, Marvin, Big, Pac, Pun. Almost want somebody to punch my ticket. Next time I play cee-lo down the block, I’ma invite Gilbert Arenas.

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  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Myles Brown

    1.Cheetah was with a gang of slores who didnt look better than his wife, but it probably goes back to the old Madonna/whore complex. The man likes to do nasty sh*t that hed never want to do to his wife.

    2. You got the Gil situation backwards. He wanted Critt to shoot him and follow up on his threat. A joke I thought you would appreciate.

    3. RIP Oscar Grant.

    4. My guess in this years “which celebrity will die?” pool is Dennis Leary. Or Tiger Woods.

  • O

    Dennis Leary?!?!

  • O

    Dennis Leary?!?! And Yeah, Cheetah is definitely a suicide watch candidate. He did it to himself though.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Myles Brown

    Stab in the dark. Its the never the ones you expect. Not to compare him to Michael Jackson, but I certainly didnt see that one coming. Third possibility: Sean Connery.

  • http://www.michaelcho.com M Cho

    Hilarious stuff. The “general herpes” being a soldier strain had me cracking up.

  • The Wize

    O, I wrote to Lang this week and lamented the passing of the old days on Slamonline…2 days later we get the OG Linkstigator embedded with the Hawks and this masterpiece (too many great lines!)…now, can we get a Sam’ron sighting??!! hahaha

    PEACE

  • O

    The sad part is that it’s a true story.

  • The Wize

    PS. do both your’s and Lang’s lead pictures feature turkey bacon? funny shit!

  • http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/farmer-jones/ Ryan Jones

    Fair points all, Omar. I do wonder, though, how questions of China’s economic boom — grossly inflated as it increasingly appears to be — will be answered in the coming months. Ungangsta, I fear.

  • http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/farmer-jones/ Ryan Jones

    Fair points all, Omar. I do wonder, though, how questions of China’s economic boom — grossly inflated as it increasingly appears to be — will be answered in the coming months. Ungangsta, I fear.

  • Bruno

    this list’s the gangsta moment of 2009
    omar always bringin’ the best

  • The Wize

    PS. do both your’s and Lang’s lead photos feature turkey bacon? funny ish!

  • T

    Okay, how the f*ck is Tiger Woods number 2 most gangsta? His bullsh!t has been overplayed by the media everywhere, and now we have you glorifying his stupidity. Wow. You were right to put Sotomayor on the list, but she’s at number 5 behind that pr!ck? That’s flat out disrespectful. Come on man.
    “this muthaf*cka Tiger Woods had more Ho’s than a Chinese phone book (some might say he’s keeping it real with his roots)”
    What is that supposed to mean? I’d like to know what you meant, because that’s both sexist and racist. Call me sensitive, but that sh!t’s just flat out ignorant and offensive. I used to like you Omar, but you need to smarten the f*ck up son. As a fellow immigrant you should know not to be that stupid and flamboyantly ignorant against other minorities. Also, Tiger Woods is half-Filipino–NOT Chinese–but your idiotic @ss wouldn’t know that, right? Also, calling women “H0′s” is played out and needs to stop.
    This post was a huge disappointment.

  • O

    We’ll see, Ryan. We shall see. For now, let’s blame Avatar for that one.

  • T

    I normally like you too, Omar. And this post had some nice lines beyond that. But come on!

  • underdog

    It was discussed several times, but I still think Michael Jordan’s HOF speech was dope. This was a great read, though. I could read more often from O. And Myles please do not jinx Dennis Leary, I can’t wait the next season of Rescue me.

  • O

    T, I found it gangsta that the man got his card pulled. I’m glad he got busted which is why that moment was gangsta to me. And I know his ethnic background, but I was just having fun with what I would hear people say around the way who just figure he’s chinese or japanese. If it offended you something OD, my bad, but if you know my work you should know that if I can’t make fun of it, then what’s the point of talking about it? Life is too short to not make light of idiocracies.

  • David

    And Chavez is not a dictator. Dude’s won several elections in a row. He got kidnapped (by US-backed conspirators) and the country demanded he be re-instated. He suggested legislation that would make it so he had no limit to being re-elected, but it got voted down.

  • thalilbigkahuna

    Hahaha more Ho’s than a Chinese phone book. Good article man. You’re always funny, but you write real stuff at the same time. I appreciate that.

  • O

    David, the man blew up bridges to Colombia because they’re beefing. Any radio or TV station that opposes him gets shut down OR shot up. Other than the capital of Venezuela, people have to due without electricity for 4 hours during the day. Not to mention he keeps threatening to set it off on Colombia and threatened Honduras when Zeleya was removed from power. That’s not a dictator? Maybe the spanish news just makes all those things up.

  • KHALID SALAAM

    O, keep doing it man. You;re the master at what you do….. Also, @ T: get your life together,nerd!

  • http://Www.lacuevacrosscountry.com Slick Nick Da Ruler

    Thanks for the post O, but you’re seriously saying Sotomayor could GET IT?

  • Double J

    “Give me Gilbert money and word to everything I love I’ll walk barefoot to Mordor itself and throw my burner in that lava and live happily ever after”

  • michael scorn

    What about LeBron mugging the camera man for that dunk footage. That’s gangsta.

  • O

    Good lookin, Kha. LOL @ “Nerd.” And damn, Michael! You right. I meant to put that Lebron incident on my list but dummbed out. And Slick, I don’t know man. A little make-up and some botox and a half a gallon of Henney, quarter ounce of kush…

  • http://www.realultimatepower.net doyouwantmore

    Sotamayor was not the best person for the job. She’s not even the only person on the supreme court to work their way up from a low-income family to where she is today! But everyone talks like she’s Jack Johnson because Barry appointed her.

  • http://www.realultimatepower.net doyouwantmore

    I’m so torn between the awesome genius of some of the article and the naive, fast-food liberalism in other parts.

    My favorite parts:

    “Give me Gilbert money and word to everything I love I’ll walk barefoot to Mordor itself and throw my burner in that lava and live happily ever after.”

    Also: “Tough luck, Tiger. There’s always FUBU.”

  • O

    She was a Latina from the Boogiedown Bronx. Last Latino from that area to make us all proud said, “Dead in the middle of little Italy/little did we know that we riddled two middle men who didn’t know diddily.” Come on, doyouwantmore! Let us have this!

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    Omar Minaya, you don’t even deserved to bear my name
    correct.

  • Babygab

    “I’ll walk barefoot to Mordor itself and throw my burner in that lava and live happily ever after.” I’m still laughing, line is funny as hell. O, you need to start doing your movie review again man ! I miss that man ! C’mon !!! Great article by the way =)

  • O

    Sidenote: i’m REALLY hoping that next year’s Number 1 Gangsta Moment will be “Lebron signs with the NY Knicks!” Regardless to whom or what, if he signs that WILL BE the number 1 Gangsta Moment of 2010.

  • http://Www.lacuevacrosscountry.com Slick Nick Da Ruler

    O, that’s alot of side dishes to crush Sonia, but at least you’d live the high life like Chappelle & Oprah…

    LeBron signing with the Knicks would be sad, Nate Rob & David Lee & Pringles. That’s definitely ungangsta.

  • Dre Baller

    @T… actually, Tiger is half-Thai, not half-Filipino “but your idiotic @ss wouldn’t know that, right? “

  • spit hot fiyah

    Watch Fall of the Reupublic before praising Obama. And off course Chavez is a dictator and opressor, the U.S. says so…..

  • http://www.realcavsfans.com Anton

    I got Britney Spears, followed by Usher.

  • David

    O – watch ‘The War on Democracy’ by John Pilger for another look at Chavez.

  • kadavour

    O, ur a great writer. You’re trying too hard though. you don’t need to stack hood chips with us homie, pairing Barack and Sonia with the word “gangsta” rings of that immature “wigga” need to identify with what they perceive to be the “urban” persona. You’re better than that. T has a right to be outraged, because though your gifts shine through, that sh-t read like a tmz report. F-ckery aside, you had me laughing.

  • http://Www.lkz.ch/basket Darksaber

    Last week, i mentioned my need to read a new O piece, et voila, here eeet izzz. Same exact thing happened for your last two articles before this one. admit it, You wait till i complain about your absence, then you bang out yet another enjoyable read. From calling JLO “fugazy”, to the LOTR, mordor/lava/destruction of supreme weapon reference, that was just funny. U’ve toned down the hilarity a bit i see, and gone for a more somber approach than usual. Interesting. Still, 1st time i’ve ever heard guns called “a piece of toast”, Omar rules.

  • http://Www.lkz.ch/basket Darksaber

    Three little words with a huge impact for you, Omar: O’s Movie Reviews!!! (bring it back, mayyne)

  • ab_40

    I think shopping at hello kitty stores IS the next step for artistst like Lil Wayne and Kanye West saying that they’re so cool and rich that is doesn’t matter what they wear…and the most gangsta moment is happening right now with the whole world trying to help the people of haiti. 3 million people including the president have lost their home that’s crazy and that help is coming from the entire world is a great thing to see. p.s. it’s a fake democracy we’re living in be real and the only capitalist siystem that is working now a days is that of china which is still growing with a one party government. if you want economic growth that is what you need a greater sense of good with your fellow men and working to different goals nationwide that’s what works… what we’re doing isn’t.

    And man gilbert is crazy you can see it in his eyes. he does care but he can’t give in to his emotions and so he puts up this facade of acting like an idiot.

  • http://PROTEGEMVP.COM DALLAS STOKES

    Omar Mazariego is that dude!!!

  • O

    Btw, i’ma start posting my mixtape reviews on globalgrind.com come Monday. I’ma start with DJ Drama and Cam’ron’s Boss of All Bosses 2. Don’t be afraid to comment on there too. Have a good weekend y’all. Stay up and stay strapped both ways.

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    o, i was excited to read your new piece. some of it was great and funny. other parts were just ignorant, basically all the political stuff, esp chavez. you really shouldnt be all about obama, he is just another super crooked politrickin looking out for self and special interests. all those empty promises, and nothin positive has been done. get lucid! BEST ALBUM OF 09….K-RINO, SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. GET IT!

  • Frenzal

    Who da f.ck is Jim jones

  • O

    I’d be wrong if I made a “Celebrity Suicide Watch” list for 2010 wouldn’t I??

  • O

    And yes, Darksaber, I do wait for you to complain. LOL

  • X

    You missed Michael’s message, which is Love. He changed the world of billions around the world. Possibly the most talented human to ever live and definitely the most famous man on the planet. The whole world cried because of the man he was, which is something self-righteous people like you will never understand. Put an end to the ignorance and hate.

  • Kobe247

    Made me want to read it over and over

  • Tariq

    Nice job Omar. I think you’ve already got your #1 most Ungangsta Moment of 2010 even though it’s still January: Haiti. By the way, I’m thinking about entering into a pact with this dude called Louie Cipher, do you think I should do it?

  • O

    I don’t know, Tariq. I’ve never met Louie Cipher. But I wouldn’t enter a pact with someone unless I know they were as reliable as can be.

  • that dude

    Keepin’ it real as always O. Is T Teddy-The-Bear? Dude’s always getting worked up about Asian-related stuff. I’m Chinese and yeah, Ho is a common chinese surname. What is there to be offended about? The joke is just a play on words.

  • ELee

    Michael Jackson had vitiligo – it was in the autopsy report, he didn’t ‘bleach his skin,’ and there is evidence that he was innocent of child molestation – the two boys are still around, and if they ever speak up, we could one day really find out the truth. But the FBI files released last month show that they never had enough evidence of guilt to pursue charges, and sure enough, when he was brought to trial by the local prosecutor, he was found innocent.

  • chintao

    Word. T (whoever he is needs to refine his sense of humor). Also, doyouwantmore needs to STFU (as usual). I have stood before Sotomayor in court. She’s as qualified as anyone and smarter than most. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the suicide watch piece.

  • chintao

    And, oh yeah, Barack Sambo-ma is just a house ni&&a. I’ma have to check “The War on Democracy”. Thanks for the heads-up, David.

  • chintao

    Did you guys read last week’s piece in the NYT on immigration detention centers? There were legions of abuses and deaths in these places. Now, Obama claims he’s trying to clean them up. Who does he put in charge of the clean-up? The same person who was in charge when the abuses took place under the Bush regime. Apparently, she now works as a private consultant. That means she can charge much more to make sure that sh!t stays absolutely f@cked.

  • riggs

    @tarzan: do you really believe that obama is THAT good of a president to do everything he promised in just a year? especially a year that has been this disastrous? for eff sake i hate people like you.

  • TyMo

    1. That Kanye thing was just funny, I don’t care who you are. 2. MJ’s speech was awesome. 3. Go Yanks!

  • Nate

    Omar how was Jordan’s HOF speech not #1 on Most Gangsta??? He welcomed us into his world, for the time he talked, and let us understand how he motivated himself to become the most stone-faced, cold-hearted killer of all time. His speech was pure Jordan, and we couldn’t have asked for anything else.

  • O

    Mike is my man, but son, he was bullying everyone. He’s the greatest, but he took more shots at innocent bystanders than an outcasted teenager at a middle America high school. It wasn’t peace to me.

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