Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 at 2:46 pm  |  47 responses

Review: Predators

Omar isn’t scared of the Predators…

by Omar Mazariego

I remember one day a few years back when I was working at XXL, I was sitting at my desk, which was all the way in the back of “The Cave” (the XXL offices), right in front of the SLAM office door and in front of the janitor’s closet. (I miss hearing Cuban Max say “Fri-day! Yes!” every Friday when emptying out my trash can.) One day, Lang came back and started telling me and Khalid about a reality game show he and Sam’ron hatched: You take two white kids, throw a blue shirt on one and a red shirt on the other and dump them in Blood and Crip hoods in Compton to see who makes it out first. I’m reality TV’s biggest hater, but I loved this idea.

[Ed. Note: While I agree this does sound like an idea with some potential, I have no memory of coming up with this.—Lang]

Watching Predators, which was presented by Robert Rodriguez—this man is a movie God to me; can’t wait for Machete—I noticed it was similar to the concept Lang and Sam had. Waking up during predators-adrien-brodyfreefalls from the sky, Royce (Adrien Brody) and six other unlucky bastards wind up in a jungle with no knowledge of how they got there, who put them there or where they got their parachutes from. They knew something was amiss when they realized they had a view of four planets that seem to be a stone’s throw away.

Not long after learning that they’re all bad-asses with military or criminal backgrounds, the hunt begins. Whether escaping booby traps or out-running and gunning down Predator-race canines, the group of prey begins to know what it feels like to be Latino in Arizona. And even though some get blasted right through the chest or catch a shank though the back, or even have their spines and skulls torn right out while still breathing, at least the Predators do it all without any need for an hour-long special on ESPN to let the victims know how it’s gonna go down. It was awesomely gruesome and classy all at the same time.

And while Adrien Brody didn’t have the brawn of The Governator or Apollo Creed’s signature mustache, he definitely held his own and convinced me that with his smarts and strategy, he could give a Predator more of a fair one than Danny Glover. (He couldn’t even beat Jet-Li, how’d he kill a Predator?) Not to mention the lovely and deadly Isabelle (Alice Braga), who handled her rifle in a manner that should’ve made this flick NC-17. (My future wife/baby mama enlisted in the Army in case y’all wondering why that Isabelle character aroused me the way she did.)

Critics are hating on Predators, but in my opinion it’s one of the best sci-fi flicks of its genre. And while it was meant to be an action driven movie—and it was—Predators had its share of chuckles courtesy of Topher Grace, whose Edwin character seemed like he was abducted right out of That ‘70s Show. Even Laurence Fishburne’s on-the-edge-of-madness-Nolan character had me smirking a few times with his nuttiness. When it was said and done I was highly entertained and left the theater feenin’ for more like Jodeci.

And who knows, maybe this movie might inspire someone to parachute Mel Gibson, James Dolan, Isiah Thomas, Lindsay Lohan, and LeBron James off for their inhumane actions. Just drop off Mel at The Apollo or Spanish Harlem; James Dolan at Latrell Sprewell’s house; Isiah anywhere James Dolan can’t find him and rehire him (probably Latrell Sprewell’s house or park bench); LeBron in the middle of Cleveland when they officially declare the town is broke and for sale; and Lindsay Lohan at my crib so I could rip a page out of the Predator’s book, and tear her back out in my own special way.

I got that perico, mami!

RATING: 4 Gangstas

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  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    O yes

  • http://www.boogiewilliams.com Boing Dynasty

    “it’s one of the best sci-fi flicks of its genre”

  • Diesel

    4 Gangstas?! I gotta say I’m shocked. You can’t take a movie that had some of the baddest, biggest dudes of the 80′s and replace them with Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, and an obese Larry Fishburne. That sounds more like a remake of the breakfast club.

  • O

    Don’t sleep. These characters were keeping it gully. And you can’t really expect todays stars to participate in an old school franchise. Thought you’re kinda right if you’re thinkin Vin Disel. God knows he needs the work…

  • http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/farmer-jones/ Ryan Jones

    I feel like some movies are made solely so that Omar can review them. This is such a movie.

  • http://slamonline.com Spaceship Jay

    “At least the Predators do it all without any need for an hour-long special on ESPN to let the victims know how it’s gonna go down. It was awesomely gruesome and classy all at the same time.”- HA!

  • http://Yahoo Shanoooo

    I saw the movie and your right on point.I Jus wish Lawrence Fishburne would have made more than a 10 cameo !

  • riggs

    eh the only badass was the yakuza cat, and topher grace was not really necessary at all

  • O

    Good lookin, Ben. And Yakuza’s fight was the best scene, but everyone held their own. Even the convict when he “phone checked” that Predator. C’mon, Riggs. You can’t hate too much on this flick. I do agree that Topher wasn’t necessary at all. But which movies is he necessary in anyway??

  • http://www.sonicbids.com doyouwantmore

    People who haven’t actually read the law in Arizona…need to actually read the law in Arizona. The only people who think the law is racist are people who are inclined towards their own brand of racism. Predators looks great though it would be nice to read a movie review or something from the entertainment media that doesn’t skew everything left.

  • snasty10

    this movie sounds sick, the lindsay lohan line was hilarious. I gotta thing for the gingers. Alice Braga is a thorough bred dime to.

  • O

    For the record, I’ve read the Arizona law as well as the new Nebraska law, and they both suck harder than Karrine Steffans. You can co-sign ‘em if you want, but that doesn’t make them anymore peace than you think they may be.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    Co-sign O to the fullest. I read the law too, and if you read into Russell Pearce’s background, there is no way in hell you can tell me dude ain’t a straight up racist. That being said, If you’ve never been pulled over just because the mere color of your skin arouses some cop’s suspicion, than you really are not in a position to speak on whether that AZ law is racist or not. Just my dos pesos.

  • JTaylor21

    I feel you on that lindsay lohan line. i might become a C.O. like ross just to get a piece of that a**

  • http://www.sonicbids.com doyouwantmore

    That’s like saying that the law against speeding unfairly targets people who are more likely to drive fast. The Nation is on a slippery slope when you try to make those responsible for keeping the peace accountable to race politics and political correctness. They are accountable to the law and to the American citizens first. The law in Arizona is exactly the same as the federal law. It is a lawful piece of legislation as a document by itself. Cops who enforce it are enforcing the law of the land and any attempt to paint is as a racist law is nothing more than a manipulation and an attempt to undercut the principle of law in favor of race politics. There are more racists trying to fight the AZ law than there are racists enforcing it right now.

  • snasty10

    lindsay is fine, but i liked her more before the blow

  • http://www.clownpenis.com Tarzan Cooper

    Ol painless, ahnolds mud suit and guerilla tactics, its blood was on the leaves, jesus mac, think u could have killed something bigger? GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!!!!!!

  • O

    After a few months in jail and rehab, Lindsay will put on a few pounds and be as thick as she was in “Mean Girls.” And doyouwantmore, “More racists trying to fight the AZ law than there are racists enforcing it”? You’re living in Bizzaro world, dunny…

  • http://www.clownpenis.com Tarzan Cooper

    Many white, black, brown, whatever ppl were fine with extra suspicion placed on middle easterners after 911, because they are the ones who did it(or so they would have you believe, looong story, not prudent here). Mexicans are the majority of the ones coming here illegally, and mexico is a giant mess now, full of cartel wars, daily shootouts, kidnappings, etc. Now, the vast majority of mexican immigrants, even illegal, are good, honest, hard working ppl who dont cause problems, they just want to make money to send back to their families. However, because of the cartel wars and everything going on in mexico now, extra caution should be taken by border states. That is the point being missed by many, theyre not looking harder just because of the color of their skin, but because of whats going on in mexico and the spillover into border states.

  • O

    Why am I o? And where did my really long post just go? Damn, I hate this site sometimes, get this shit fixed slam!

  • http://www.clownpenis.com Tarzan Cooper

    It would be interesting if the conditions of mexico and canada were reversed. Lets say mexico is a calm nation known for tequila, desert, and futbol(whiskey, snow, hockey). And canada is a country in turrible turmoil, with huge drug cartels having shootout regularly, massive kidnappings, etc. And millions of canadians are coming to the us illegally, some of which are members of said cartels wanting to establish operations here. The ones in jail or on welfare drain the taxpayers money, and hold back the economy. If all that were true, I wonder how many people would say no to extra scrutiny of possible canadians in border states.

  • http://twitter.com/dyalektraps d.Y.

    doyouwant is uniformed about how the Arizona law is being carried out. American citizens of color are being harassed and detained, arrested & disrespected. On a simple level, it sucks to be treated like you’re not wanted. Oh and the driving analogy was mad weak. Speed laws exist to line pockets with an invisible tax. There are several countries with more relaxed speed laws and better driving safety records. Apparently our govt thinks Americans are too stupid to figure out how to drive safely on their own. I digress. The Arizona law is racism in it’s narrowest definition because it targets and inhibits the rights of a certain ethnic group. Those folks sure aren’t looking for my old polish roommate who came to the US on a student visa and then decided to live here illegally.

  • http://twitter.com/dyalektraps d.Y.

    Oh and Tarzan “Any man who trades liberty for security deserves neither”-Ben Franklin. Stop being afraid.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    If it bleeds we can kill it.
    I vaguely remember the Bloods and Crips reality show idea. I think it was inspired by watching the White Rapper Show.
    Well done O. I remember your review of AVP years ago, when a Predator actually befriends a human. C’MON SON!

  • http://www.sonicbids.com doyouwantmore

    d.Y : I don’t know if it’s possible to take my driving analogy more out of context than you did, or if it’s possible to take something to a more illogical far-reaching conclusion. I would like to ask if there is anyone here who has a better solution for illegal immigration than enforcing the law, because that’s obviously not an option when someone might be offended. Maybe the law, and American citizens, are important enough to risk offending someone sometimes. Maybe the right to not be offended isn’t as important as you, and the media, would like to make it. You can say the word ‘up’ means ‘down’ and ‘guilty’ means ‘victim’, but it doesn’t change the reality that the law must be enforced, and if it isn’t enforced it weakens the whole fabric that America became great from. Obama and Eric Holder would like to turn America into a European experiment, but they can’t because of one thing: Americans.

  • http://twitter.com/dyalektraps d.Y.

    I get it. This is a matter of perspective. You’ve never had your freedom or safety (or life) directly threatened by the people who claim to be protecting you and have overbearing authority over you. It’s a wee bit bigger than being offended. Also… I’m flummoxed by that last sentence. America became great mainly because of the work of illegal immigrants, slaves, and Europeans that carried guns & germs. Using the word “American” as a punchline? Way to get your point across. By the by, I didn’t take your analogy out of context, I just said it was weak. Coincidentally, that is also a poorly designed law.

  • http://Www.lkz.cn Darksaber

    This was gonna be DVD purchase for me, until the master himself, Omar, decided to review it. After the last 2 predator ‘films’ i was done with that franchise but this review is changing my mind. As for Lindsay, yep, she is boinkable. Actually, make that very.

  • http://www.clownpenis.com Tarzan Cooper

    Dy, I dont, and wont trade my liberty for anything. And if u think they have overbearing authority over you, thats only because u allow it to happen. The govt doesnt have as far a reach as they want u be believe they do. They want u afraid of big brother who is just a paper tiger in reality. Now, what would u want law enforcement in a border community to do? Wait until some cartel members murder some people, then go looking for them. The border is such a sieve, and a percentage of the illegals are major criminals. heres a good Wire comparison, the ppl crying foul about the law are like carcetti, just talkn bs. The cops tring to actually do something are like colvin and hamsteram. ‘i guess theres nothing to be done’

  • http://www.soundclick.com/thesupergenius Che-Son

    Tell ‘em Cooper.

  • Diesel

    Wow – a Sam Rubenstein sighting. Good Stuff. As for the Arizona law, I wonder if any of the people that are against the law actually live in Arizona. I have family there and it is much much worse there than people understand. Also – TC brought up a good point – where were all the people outraged when racial profiling was suggested for terrorism? So is it only outrageous if it affects you?

  • Diesel

    Also @DY Please explain to me how “doyouwant is uniformed about how the Arizona law is being carried out. American citizens of color are being harassed and detained, arrested & disrespected” when the law hasn’t even takne effect yet?

  • http://twitter.com/dyalektraps d.Y.

    Diesel, forgive my fatalism. I shouldn’t be talking in the present tense. Change that to “going to be.” I’ve lived in NYC too long.

  • http://www.sonicbids.com doyouwantmore

    It’s so easy for people to take the side of the poor oppressed victims against the big bad policemen. Then they get to feel smug about how they’ve taken a stand for justice when all they’ve really done is demonstrated how easy it is for the liberal media to spoon-feed opinions to people.

  • http://twitter.com/dyalektraps d.Y.

    Folks, please stop talking so theoretically. Feel smart, feel dumb, Liberal Media this, conservative oligarchy that. Hollar at me when you’ve stood in between angry post 9/11 security guards and a Pakistani co-worker, or when you’ve had a gun at the back of your head because you and yours are the only non-whites in the area & it’s been two months since the Diallo murder. You keep worrying ’bout what’s spoon fed, I’ll keep helping heads who ain’t been fed. Feel free to have the last word.

  • http://www.clownpenis.com Tarzan Cooper

    ^cosign, except the liberal part. The media as a whole, excluding internets, is just a propaganda machine for the politrickans and those who control them. They tell the people exactly what they want us to know. Heres the key thing; all this is designed to get everyone arguing against each other, just like gays and abortion and other ‘issues’. Its all so contrived. Why do u all think the education is this country is complete crap(no slight to sam)? They dont want intelligent ppl capable of independent thought. They want us to parrot all this bs from tv, that mind melting device. Open your eyes and mind, see whats really real.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Ryan Jones

    Karrine Steffans and I went to the same high school. This is a fact.
    P.S. Not at the same time.
    P.P.S. Not that that would’ve changed anything.

  • http://www.sonicbids.com doyouwantmore

    ^ Actually, although the media is by far more Liberal, I would admit that every news channel to some extent is guilty of some degree of bull&hittin’. It’s just that the proportions are so out of wack.

  • Dillan

    Dylan! you sonuva…..!!

  • O

    D.Y., we gotta build and destroy on the real. And Ryan, was it you or Kool G Rap who turned out Karrine Steffans?

  • O

    sidenote: as a proud Latino, we really have to stop with this Chupacabra sh*t.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    BTW Sam, Omar emailed me today and mentioned “that beard Sam’s had since he was 15.”

  • Wire Fan

    If the cops are Colvin and Hamsterdam, they would be using a strategy that the government knows nothing about but that immediately, dramatically, and temporarily improves the lives of citizens in affected communities. Point being, The Wire ain’t that simple and neither is this. Also The Wire is the greatest.

  • http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/farmer-jones/ Ryan Jones

    Omar: I don’t want to take too much credit, but before G Rap met me, his nickname was Cool Gary Rap-Talker. So I think I had some influence there, yeah.

  • O

    Classic Ryan…

  • Ed LOmax

    Son of a ……

  • Ed LOmax

    The CIA’s got you pushing pencils.

  • Hurricane

    I’m ready for 2011 L.A. riots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!