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Thursday, January 6th, 2011 at 2:54 pm  |  215 responses

Links: You Might Be Obsessed With The NBA If…

Plus, Angry Birds!

by Lang Whitaker | @langwhitaker

I’m pretty sure that we’re all about to get attacked by aliens. Has anyone else been following these stories about the birds falling out of the sky all over the world, thousands and thousands of them? Meanwhile, rivers are turning green, 40,000 crabs washed up on a beach in England, about 100,000 drum fish washed up along the shores of a river in Arkansas. And these have nothing to do with the Siberian Tiger who attacked a bus driver while all his passengers sat and watched.

I’m sure there might be logical explanations for all of these things, but I am not ready to discount the possibility someone it preparing to try and take over the earth. And if this is the case, I am angry-birdsprepared, and have been preparing, because I’ve been playing a horrifying amount of Angry Birds. On the subway, on the couch late at night while watching games, on airplanes…wherever. Just know this: If we are ever attacked by aliens who build easily-destructible wood frames, if you guys give me access to a slingshot and allow me to use the piles of dead birds as ammunition, I’ll take care of us all. The aliens might be killing the birds, but they’re also arming us at the same time!

Angry Birds has been dominating my life for a few weeks now — more specifically, the Holidays Angry Birds edition — but I know it’ll fade out in a few weeks. Before that it was Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and eventually I’m sure I’ll transition to a new game or hobby or something. The only real daily constant in my life over the last decade has been the NBA. It’s the first thing I read about in the mornings, the last thing I watch before going to sleep.

So maybe I’m not obsessed with those other things; those things are just temporal, but I’m obsessed with the NBA. All that got me thinking about ways you know you might be obsessed with the NBA.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be obsessed with the NBA…

If you’ve ever seriously thought about how you might look with a neck tattoo.

If you’ve ever woken up on the couch in the middle of the night with the TV on and the NBA League Pass music blaring.

If you know how to explain the defensive three seconds rule.

If your spellcheck knows words like Sagana and Varejao.

If you’ve ever played Boo-Ray.

If you consider yourself a big fan of the Red Panda Acrobats.

If you’ve ever considered getting a Mohawk just before an important event in your life.

If you’ve ever been inside an NBA arena before noon.

If you’ve ever dreamed of being called a “column castigator.”

If you know more than two of Dikembe Mutombo’s names.

If you’ve been to a D-League game.

If you own more than one pair of hightops.

If you’ve ever stayed in the Troy (MI) Marriott.

If you’ve ever worn a sweatband just around the house.

If Joe Smith has ever played for your favorite team.

If you miss the halftime performances of Christopher.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to jump off a trampoline and dunk.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to ride a sled down an arena aisle.

These are all just off the top of my head. What did I forget?

Leave it in the comments below…

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  • http://brimartin13@gmail.com Brion

    If you write First! under slams colums.

  • MikeC.

    …you’ve spent an entire game sitting a certain way on your couch because your team is playing really well, and if you move, you could cause negative vibrations that cause your team to play poorly. Sort of like a hoops butterfly effect.

  • MikeC.

    …you knock on wood when your team is shooting free throws. If no wood is readily available, you knock on your dome.

  • nicko

    If you hate a player then love him the same game.

  • nicko

    If you get extremely annoyed when one of your friends jumps on the bandwagon of a player you’ve liked since day 1.

  • Scott

    I didn’t think the world was ending till 12/21/12?

  • Scott

    Mike C 3:05 comment…I’m not the only one to do this!!

  • MikeC.

    @Scott – my wife thinks I’m crazy. She won’t even stay in the house with me during the playoffs because I get too intense. I’ve been trying to prepare her for the insanity that will consume me when the Knicks are in the playoffs. The Knicks haven’t been in the playoffs once during our relationship, so she has no idea what she’s in for.

  • KHALID SALAAM

    I thought angry birds was a reference to the Falcons. Sorry but its NFL playoff season and i’m AMPED!

  • Wesley

    If you boo the dancers because you wanna watch the game that much more

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    I was thinking that if the Falcons and Eagles played each other, the headline could be Angry Birds.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    Mike and Scott, I do it too.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    I been obsessed with that Angry Birds too man.

  • http://www.lacuevacrosscountry.com Slick Nick Da Ruler

    If you have several favorite teams based on childhood/family associations, favorite players, different cities of residence.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    And I know I’m obsessed cause I named my son Jordan, after the GOAT.
    REALLY wanted to name my dog Pippen but wifey squashed that. Would’ve been dope too cause my son and my dog are always causing all kinds of mischeif together, just like Jordan and Pippen used to.

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    I ain’t as obsessed as Lang, but I have speculated on a neck tat before…

  • KHALID SALAAM

    @Lang: Does the neck tattoo have to have chinese letters?

  • letsmotor

    you know how many more threes Ray needs to break Reggie’s record, and while you watch games, scream out the new, lower number with each made three.

  • Blasphemy

    Everyone has obsessions. My doctors says its okay as long as I don’t act upon them. Like standing over my parents while there sleeping because I have a never ending fear that they will die while there asleep.

    You know your obsessed with the NBA when you can name the starting five for 2/3 of the NBA franchises. I can do this with ease.

  • Yann Blavec

    …or if you’re french and stay up until 3 am to watch the game.

  • Shem

    I can name the starting five for every nba franchise..

  • barnabusb

    …if you can recite the play-by-play commentary from highlights of huge plays you’ve seen over and over again.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @Khalid: Not necessarily…

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    I read so many preview mags, sites & columns every year that I have deep knowledge of guys I’ve never even seen play.

    And, damn it, if I don’t have time to read a story on screen? I print it out and read it later. On the bus. At breakfast. At work. Hell, even while on the throne.

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    Wait, what’s Angry Birds?

  • http://www.slamonline.com/ niQ

    If you play Fantasy Basketball.
    If your friends ask you who’s that bench/rookie player they’ve never seen before.
    If you suscribe to SLAM.
    If you have more shoes than your girlfriend.

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    This is great as usual, but I wish Lang would run the transcripts of our ichats in the Links sometimes. You know what he sends me all day long? Links! Funny ones, dumb ones, smart ones, sfw ones, nsfw ones…Lang, I may have to just do a guerrilla Links post comprised only of Links you sent me.

  • http://slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @Ben: I’ve got ‘em all saved on here somewhere…

  • Blasphemy

    I would be able to name the starting 5 of each team, but my mind goes blank on the Vancouver Grizzlies, Charlotte Hornets and the Seattle Supersonics. You know your obsessed with the NBA when you know what “Upside” means and other fancy word jargon they throw around on Draft day.

  • Bruno

    just do it Ben

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    I like the sound of it, boss man.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    I tend to agree with Lang’s first paragraph. There’s odd sh*t going on in the Florida skies for about a week that hasn’t been getting much airtime in the local or national media. Real talk. I need to watch “Independence Day” a few times so I can steal some of Will Smith’s interplanetary gangstaism’s.

  • grant

    if you think every GM’s decision is a dumb one

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    If you know how to pronounce pooh jeter. …………. ……If you used to have multiple(4+) fantasy teams each year, decided to not do it this year and are at a loss for what to do on the computer when not looking at nba stuff….. … ….

  • ionmic

    Umm I have son called Davis he was born in 2006 and im a Warriors fan…..

    I have another Son his first two names are Boston Piers my wifey wouldnt let me call him Boston Pierce

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    ionmic wins

  • MikeC.

    @Blasphemy – Do you get excited while listening to Hubie Brown describe a foreign prospect’s “tremendous upside potential”? Does anyone wonder what happened to ‘tall’ guys in the NBA? Everyone is ‘long’ now.

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    Ionmic is sick. ….. And hubie is the best…… ……. ….. I want to punch mike breen in the face

  • estoniandude

    if you live all the way across the world, and stay up all night to watch a game, even if you have big test the next day.

  • Ali Saadat

    @Khalid Why are you amped the Raiders aren’t even in it? You could be pumped though because the Seahawks are in.

  • Ali Saadat

    …if you yell bang with Mike Breen when someone hits a three.

  • Blasphemy

    @ MikeC. You made me lol. The first time I ever saw a draft I was convinced the league was full of midgets. Also, Hube Brown has to be the best announcer in sports. He does everything a great announcer should do, he is insightful has legit enthusiasm for the game and shed lights on a play that the average pedestrian might not have picked up on first sight. When I know Hubie is calling a game I make it my first priority to see it.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    What if you shout out guys like Dontonio Wingfield?

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    What if you shout out Adonis Jordan and Rex Walters?

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    What about Corny Thompson?
    Let me chill.
    I’m a winner.
    Again…

  • IAMORANGE4EVER

    if get a chuckle when reading a trade rumor started by Sam Smith or Peter Vecsey.

  • IAMORANGE4EVER

    *if you get a chuckle when reading a trade rumor started by Sam Smith or Peter Vecsey.

  • Marco

    If your concept of bed time has changed over the years from “about midnight” to “the last west coast game is over”.
    Which by the way is about 7.00 a.m. in italy

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    Phil, you are corny thompson.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    Tarz, YOU are…
    I’ll get back to you. I have to think of a joke for you.

  • LA Huey

    …if you will/have named your child after your favorite player.” I got a ‘Penny’ due in the spring =)

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    You gonna name your youngin penny? Y’all some fanatics for real

  • MikeC.

    I tried to name my dog Oakley, but my wife vetoed it.

  • http://slamonline.com Matt Lawyue

    LW, your first graf is just surreal.

  • ciroqobama

    … if you spent 20 minutes at the Nuggets/Kings game explaining to your girl who Pooh Jeter is

  • ciroqobama

    … if you knew Lamar before Khloe did.

  • Michael

    if you own a tmac knicks jersey.

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ
  • http://www.hoopsvibe.com/features/overdribbling chiqo

    you get excited about a properly executed jab step

  • http://gmail dirty frank

    If you’ve ever thought of ball while having sex.

  • http://gmail dirty frank

    If you ever got hell because the first words out of your mouth after ^ were “I wonder how many points Kobe’s gonna score tomorrow”

  • Danny

    If you name your kids after your favourite player — my sons middle names are Jordan and Michael. The wife wouldn’t give me the first names…

  • Marleyy

    You know your obsessed when you grow your nails just so you can bite bite them off come playoff time. @Mike C. I got my firecrackers ready when the Knicks win their first game of the playoffs

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    …if you own Penny jerseys from Memphis, Orlando, Phoenix, New York and DTIII. (Not Miami though).

  • http://www.slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @MattLawyue Oh, it’s real.

  • Jackie Moon

    * You tried to copy Allen Iverson’s dribbles in his Reebok Ad.
    * You have a basketball in your car trunk.
    * You get excited when the game ends and you realize the team has a back-to-back, so there’s a game tomorrow!
    * You like it when the team plays a road game on the East Coast, because then the game starts earlier (West Coast team fans only).
    * You’ve ever played a game of basketball before between 11PM and 9AM. * You’ve ever watched a game of basketball between 2 AM and 7AM.
    * You ever tried to jump off of your buddy’s back to dunk the ball.
    * You ever stopped to play a game of pick-up at a random park to kill time on the way to somewhere else.
    * You know the name of your team’s athletic trainer.
    * You have a game not from this season saved on your DVR.
    * You have a reversible black-and-white mesh jersey.
    * You have ever attempted to explain a pick-and-roll to another human being.
    * You have more than 10 basketball shorts.
    * You have ever practiced taking more than 100 free throws in a row.
    * You argue with strangers about basketball online.

  • http://www.fresh89.com Big Smoov’

    If you actually know what player efficiency ratings are…

    If you’ve watched NBA Greatest Games more than once…

    If you’re buying non-signature kicks your favorite player rocks…T-MAC

  • hoodsnake

    Cosign Marco… I’m in South Africa

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/officerbarbrady what

    If you know how to spell Tskitishvili

  • http://slamonline.com rudy

    I saw somebody mention the SEAHAWKS!

  • http://www.twitter.com/AllBall247 AllBall247

    If you’ve ever changed all your clocks to Eastern time so that you will find it easier to stay up until past 12 to watch the games.

  • http://www.twitter.com/AllBall247 AllBall247

    Thats for people who don’t live in the US.

  • gregor

    If instead of saying “I’m going to X destination” you say “I’m taking my talents to X Destination”

  • Loaf

    You go down to your local park with friends at midnight screaming, midnight madness basketball!!!!!!!! Staying up to god knows when watching games, tell the gf/wife “quiet, its basketball time!”

  • http://bluefont.com Hisham

    If, when contemplating the next paragraph for your paper, you leave your desk chair and start doing some basketball moves with a ball of paper in your hands. Or, when you have a real ball within reach, you start dribbling between your legs on your chair until inspiration hits you

  • http://bluefont.com Hisham

    If watching the NBA means having to drink lots and lots of red bull and coffee, and munching away at frozen pizza’s with chili peppers on top to stay awake

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    I think Hisham’s going to have digestive problems in a few years.

  • MikeC.

    If you get legitimately excited about matchups like Kings-Bucks and Grizzlies-Bobcats.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    ^Gem.

  • http://slamonline.com Chris O’Leary

    Not sure if I’ll ever get a dog but if I do, his name will be Dog Rivers.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    ^Another gem.

  • PapaBearATL

    When you and your wife are watching a play-off game together standing up the entire time, each convinced your ‘couch coaching’ is making a difference to how your team is playing!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    When you punch a hole in the wall after your team wins it’s most important game in franchise history and not even give a fu*k about the wall, your hand or the potential repair to follow.

  • des

    if you scream out ‘GIIINNNNOOOOOBILLLLLEEEEEEE’ while orgasming

  • http://twitter.com/NACHOcinco82 NACHOcinco82

    when you can name the #1 draft pick, all-star game location, all-star game MVP, regular season MVP, rookie of the year, NBA Finals teams, Finals winner, Finals MVP from any season in the last 20 years off the top of my head like its nothing.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    @PapaBearATL – props to your wife for loving the game too.
    Most of us got wifes that don’t get why the hell we yell at the tv over “a game with a bunch of tall dudes trying to put a ball in a hole”

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    When your team drafts a player you hated with a fiery passion when he played in college, it goes from “f*ck that dude!” to “that’s my dude!”
    What up, Joakim Noah

  • Terrance howard

    If you can name the starting five of every NBA team.
    If you know without a doubt that Shawn Kemp was the real casuality of the lockout.
    If you know what: IV, V, XI, & XXIII mean.
    If you own a pair of Barkely’s from 93 (Black Forces Max)
    If Jalen, Chris, Juwan, Jimmy & Ray mean more to you than just some names….

  • http://bulls.com airs

    dog rivers!! hahahaha

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    My cousin has about 9 kids by several different mommas. He tends to em all btw. But he named at least 3 of them Jordan. That’s fanhood.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    His first name isn’t Sean, is it?

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    Nah Calvin!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    I thought spelling it Shawn would be too obvious.

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    Yeah that threw me off for a second.

  • http://www.oprah.com Doyouwantmore

    - You would recognize Mike Bibby if you saw him on the street.
    - You name your kid after someone in the basketball world.
    - You would sell your kidney to stand center court at MSG.
    - You are over 25 years old and still ‘working on your game’ for no apparent reason.
    - You are me.

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    And E if you’re punching a hole in the wall when the Heat win…I can only imagine it will be a lot worse when they lose in that game 7 against Boston come May.

  • izzo

    Based on these comments I’m happy to say that I’m not much of a basketball fan.

  • Max

    Tired of the whole Spurs organization never getting the respect they deserve..

  • http://twitter.com/BeezKneezy LA Huey

    @Doyouwantmore, I see you on 3 out of 4. Wouldn’t care about MSG thing though. I gotta keep that extra kidney in case (God forbid) little Penny might need it.

  • Tiki

    i dont get it

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    I saw Michael Ruffin at a suburban Chicago mall once, when he was playing for the Bulls.
    I pointed him out to a friend, who had no clue who he was.
    It quickly dawned on me that no one had any freakin’ clue who he was besides me.

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    Andrew Bynum is the son of Duane Causwell.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    What about if a pregnancy is planned so it can coincide with Michael Jordan’s birthday upon delivery?

  • http://www.rich-imaging.com Dutch Rich

    Funny you mentioned that since I was born on Feb 17th.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    ^My daughter was born on that day too.

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    Up until this year I still “worked on my game”. I am 30.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Cheryl

    If you say BANG!! just after your 3 mile jog. If your argument with your honey ends in “You’re better than that!” If you love Tim Duncan’s game and can’t understand why anyone would call the Spurs “boring”.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    Philosopher, I tried that, but my little Jordan was born on January 27th. Damnit. At least he’s got his name.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    ^Nice!

  • W Reid Whitaker

    When you grab a score pad every time a NBA game comes on the TV.

  • goattree

    your high school nick name was Goat, because of Earl from Rebound. This was before people started calling $$ The GOAT and before LL tried to claim the title of G.O.A.T. 15 years later, it still sticks with those friends too.

  • goattree

    AND……you won over $1000 from those same friends last season on your 7th annual fantasy hoops league!

  • goattree

    If your boys in your wedding party got you and wifey the matching authentic Raps jerseys, both with your own last name on em. Of course she got #1.

    If you used Slam-Ups of only Jordan, LeBron and Wade and set them up in the pattern of a big 23 on your wall, five years ago.

  • goattree

    Last one. Forget the starting line-ups, that’s easy.

    IF you can name all of the NBA Arenas

  • Matthew

    if you have your kobe-lebron debate points memorized to be used at any given moment

  • the nerve

    u aint gat no damn kidz phil. u know u dont git no good good

  • http://Nba.com GP23

    You get upset knowing that there will be a lockout next year.

  • MikeC.

    I gave my wife a womens’ fit authentic Knicks jersey with my last name on it on our wedding day. She surprised me by wearing it as lingerie on our wedding night. I now get confused feelings in my pants when I see blue and orange in the same general area.

  • MikeC.

    @GP23 – I hear you man. I don’t even know what shows are on TV from the end of Oct to the end of June.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Nick Tha Quick

    -If you know the Triangle sets and can distinctly tell when a player forgets where he should be at any given time in a possession.
    - If you watch a dude getting banged on or esp crossed up and you “feel” it in YOUR ankles.
    -If wifey thinks you love basketball more than her and as much as you hate to admit it, you kinda do.
    - You remember exactly where you were when 0.4 happened and 81 pt game.
    - You are the authority on basketball trivia and informed opinions on anything NBA related to your friends/co-workers/family etc
    - Your team’s losing/ many losses affect your general mood.
    - Download games from many years ago that you will probably never watch.
    - Can give a very lengthy dissertation on why MJ> Kobe, Kobe> MJ or Kobe > Lebron, Lebron > Kobe, DRose > Rondo, Rondo > Drose, CP3 > Dwill etc and support it with numerous obscure stats.

  • kwam

    if you know the nba on nbc intro

  • MikeC.

    @Nick Tha Quick – where do you download old NBA games from? I’ve been looking for a site to download old classics from and haven’t found anything. Can you post the URL?

  • MikeC.

    @kwam – that’s my cell phone ringtone.

  • AussieCrawler

    ok..this is true. i have a dog named Barkley, used to have one called Kobe. @ night, instead of counting sheep to go to sleep, i re-enact NBA plays iv`e seen (thanks NBA League Pass)but with me playing the super sweet moves. I have done this for twenty years. i`m like 36 years old.Also i know the starting five and years pro and colleges and heights of most of the NBA today and for the previous 15-20 years(thanks NBA 2K)I have fav commentators(hubie brown , dick stockton)…shall i go on??

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    Hoopsencyclopedia on youtube is good mikec. Or.so I have heard.

  • http://www.danchamb.com.br Lz – Cphfinest3

    - If you have a couple of cases filled with Pontel tapes stuck in your mom’s basement and refuse to part with them in spite of living on another continent.
    - If you as a teenager bribed adult Footlocker employees so you could have the Jordan XI’s (black/red colorway) which was due to be released 2 days after my flight back to Europe.
    - If you know that the original ‘Big Dog’ was named Antoine Carr.
    - If you know that no luggage is as big as Roy Tarpley’s head.
    - If you have looked your girlfriend stonecold in the eyes and without blinking told her ‘I loved basketball many years before I even knew you existed, if you are making me choose you will be losing’ when she complained that spending almost every Friday night watching the game was not what she wanted to do.

  • http://www.danchamb.com.br Lz – Cphfinest3

    - If you have spent more than 2 years rehabbing your knee just to get back on the court even though you never had a chance to make it as a professional.

  • Blasphemy

    @ Mike C. If your looking for online, I would suggest, http://www.youtube.com/user/tjhunt76 He has I believe all of the finals and most of the play offs games from the late 80′s to the late 90s. There was another one that had games from the previous decade, but I would have to search that one.

  • Blasphemy

    This guy also, just like the title suggest, breaks a lot of basketball games down. Real informative stuff.http://www.youtube.com/user/BasketballBreakdowns

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    enigmatic and phil are sick. seriously. past deniro in the fan sick.

  • http://www.laumol.nl/weblog Laumol

    If you light up at the opportunity to talk basketball during casual conversation and inevitably bore friends and neighbours with current NBA standings, statistics, trades and developments. Oh, and quoting Phil Jackson philosophies, that one always gets me in trouble.

  • Yann Blavec

    @Laumol I often bore friends talking about basket-ball.

  • Pingback: SLAM ONLINE | » Post Up: Wild Wild Wes

  • KrackDiesel

    If you took the time to read everyone’s comments on this article.

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    Tarzan:
    Did not plan it.
    It just happened.

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    LOL @ Tarzan. But can I be Deniro in Taxi Driver? Dude is sick too.
    Philo can be Fan Deniro.

  • MtotheS

    … If you were a Ben handlogten fan…

  • Okcthunderfan

    If you say momma there goes that man! After a clutch shot
    If you have ever stayed up all night playing ball
    If you say bang! After you make a 3 in a game

  • http://www.slamonline.com Nick Tha Quick

    - If you can tell between the quality of a game announced by Hubie Brown and Mav and one announced by Reggie Miller and of course, the Big Red; the latter usually watched in mute.
    - If the best time of the year is the first and second round of the playoffs when you have up to 4 good games every night and your team plays almost every other night.
    - If you find yourself on your knees, on all fours, laying on the ground( other weird positions) in front of the TV, during the close games esp in the playoffs.
    - If your family has to plan Christmas dinner and activities around the Laker -(insert rival team of the year) game to accomodate your watching the game.
    - If you ever planned to make a pilgrimage to the SLAM offices and if they wouldn’t mind if you kept any memorabilia you found.
    - If you think of yourself as an unofficial talent scout and can predict which players will be stars in the league even when your record at this is like 2-80.
    - If you have the exact solution to what your team/star player/bench should do to be more successful and what trades your team needs make to win the championship.
    - If you will not let go of the fact that however much time you spend “working on your game” and “adding to your game”, you WILL NOT make it to the NBA, not even the D-League and you just never had what it takes to play in the L.
    - If someone criticizing your team/star player is taken A LOT more personally than someone insulting you/your character and you will spend hours even days debating it.

  • Gyroboy2k3

    If you cant wait to watch the crew on Inside the Nba @ around midnight on thur night to hopefully catch a “Turrable” from Charles.

  • Jose

    If You get excited whenever Scalabrine Gets in the game..

  • http://www.slamonline.com AllBall247

    If you have an ongoing debate with a friend about whether your son will grow up to be Brian Scalabrine or Kobe Bryant.

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    phil, youre a liar. your son named himself jordan?? enigmatic, you are snls impersonation of de niro. ….. lil bit.. lil bit…..

  • The Dolo

    when you name ur dog spotty brooks and ur cat kevin purrrant

  • The Dolo

    when u rename ur dog DJ and buy a dog house

  • The Dolo

    if u grew a mowhawk and demanded people call you birdman because you thought it would increase your vert.

  • The Dolo

    if u bought the ugliest shoes just cuz ur fave player was sporting them

  • The Dolo

    if u liked stephon marbury for 1 day becuz he stook up to lebron and nike

  • The Dolo

    lol if u still remember who stephon marbury is

  • The Dolo

    if you knew how to correctly pronounce omri casspi, rodrigue beaubois,and desagana diop b4 they got drafted

  • The Dolo

    if you noticed that in the 2008-2009 season jeff van gundy kept saying deloty west instead of delonte west

  • The Dolo

    if u think Robert Horry and Derek Fisher deserve to be in the hall of fame

  • The Dolo

    if u read bill simmons the book of basketball more than 2 times

  • The Dolo

    if your surprised when greg oden plays a game without getting a season ending injury

  • The Dolo

    if you can explain for over 5 minutes the difference of a loose ball foul and an off ball foul

  • The Dolo

    if you have espn nba trade machine as your home page on ur comp

  • The Dolo

    if u cried more after the decision than you did after your latest family member died/first child was born/ your weding, all combined

  • The Dolo

    if you actually watched all of the decision

  • The Dolo

    if you think voting for the all-stars is more important than voting for the president

  • The Dolo

    if you have a favorite d-league player

  • The Dolo

    if you knew about the dream shake b4 stephon curry rajon rondo and kobe bryant ever did it

  • The Dolo

    if you constantly change ur jump shot to accommodate the league leader in 3 point %

  • The Dolo

    if you used part of ur rent money to buy nba league pass

  • The Dolo

    if you know y shane battier is so good

  • The Dolo

    if ur one of the 20562 people that go to the cavs games (me)

  • Jdizzle

    If you spent math class trying to name more NBA players than your friend compiling a list that was several pages long (with writing in the margins)

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    Tarzan:
    When you do not plan it and it just happens, you are blessed by the “basketball gods” because, they know how much the Game means to you. They understand. So, the greatest blessing the “basketball gods” can exact to a man/woman is to allow a gentile of my humble stature to bare a child on… Michael Jeffrey Jordan’s birthday.
    “The basketball gods” are truly a part of my destiny, and apart of the destiny of my future generations. LOL.

  • http://myspace.com/gametimeweezy Gametimeweezy

    if mitch richmond and rod strickland were your favorite players

  • MikeC.

    If your wife actually understands (and not the fake ‘understands because she thinks it’s cute’ but for real understands because she accepts your addiction) when your honest to god request for a christmas present is to just be left alone on christmas day to watch the games. And while you’re watching, she brings you your LJ #2 Knicks jersey to wear while watching the games, then quickly leaves the room because it’s your christmas present.

  • Pugz

    When you find yourslef correcting the announcers during the games with stats, records, etc. that they mess up on.

  • Big Marv

    - If you know so many players by name, height and weight, that you’re able to make rosters for nba 2k11 all the way back tot 1996. And you do the same for all the nba videogames and wish they have all the throwbackjerseys from the 80′s and 90′s.

  • http://dodgers.com Joey E.

    If you looked forward to Clipper games before Blake Griffin

  • http://www.oprah.com doyouwantmore

    Yeah, scratch what I wrote about MSG. Unless I could stand center court as a player. But then that would be without a kidney…

  • http://www.oprah.com doyouwantmore

    And LOL big time at Joey E. and The Dolo.

  • Blaspemy

    Co-sign everyone. I love the L.

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    If Live 95 is still you favourite video game of all time.

  • http://dodgers.com Joey E.

    If you know what Lawler’s Law is

  • http://www.slamonline.com AllBall247

    If you know that Lawlers Law never actually works for the Clips.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Nick Tha Quick

    If you know that Josh Smith’s mom once cut an R&B record with MJ back in 1987.

  • Brown14

    Nick Tha Quick…

    Everytime I’ve been to New York I’ve wanted to go to the Slam office. I figured a random English guy showing up might freak them out tho, so never had the guts.

    And you know you’re obsessed when you consider spending $350 dollers on a Dominique Wilkins Mitchell & Ness vest, especially because thats what you dressed your created player on NBA Street in

  • MikeC.

    Players, agents and team owners should be required to read these posts before entering into CBA talks so that they can understand what they’ll do to us if they don’t agree and end up in a lockout. Everyone that posts here loves the NBA and we all have varying degrees of obsession/addiction. A lockout would be so awful, and it could trigger the retirement of guys like Tim Duncan, KG, Shaq, Ray Allen, etc. C’mon players and owners, don’t be a-holes. We love this game too much.

  • Shem

    If you we’re on the floor crying after your team lost a regular season game to Boston .. infront of your girlfriend (Raps fan lol)

  • http://www.slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @Brown14 If you holler first, you might stand a chance…

  • reading-at-work

    Eboy at Jan.7 at 2:56 pm

    MikeC. at Jan.6 at 3:05 pm

    niQ at Jan.6 at 4:18 pm

    made my day! thanks.

  • yes.we.did.

    If you know what actually happened to Harold Miner.

  • http://www.twitter.com/HurstySYD Hursty

    If you read all of the comments, and can do / have done 90+% of the things listed.

  • http://www.ebay.com Tariq

    …if you know who Arthur Triche is.
    …if you know that JR’s name is spelled “Isaiah” not “Isiah”
    …if you’ve ever purchased a pair of goggles a la Kareem (this would also make you a geek)
    …if you’ve gone online to see how much courtside seats for a Nets-Pacers (or any other cellar-dwellers) game would cost

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    If you risk getting in trouble at work daily, just for the sake of being on Slam Online so you can argue with some stanger over who’s favorite player is better.

  • http://www.ebay.com Tariq

    …if you think that “Starbury” is a dog, not a person
    …if you thought Lang was black at some point
    …if you were so sure that Robert Pack would become an all-star
    …if you have a friend who swears by God Shamgod

  • Brown14

    @ Lang – If I’m ever back in NY (please God let it happen) I might just do that, it’s pretty much one of my life ambitions to see the slamdome.

    @ Tariq – my basketball number is 14, simply because of Robert Pack. And I remember seeing a couple of God’s games from Providence, he was TOO nasty.

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    What’s the likelihood that we’ll get a YouTube video of this Tiger attack?

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    And Lang gets “Quote of the Century” for: “If we are ever attacked by aliens who build easily-destructible wood frames, if you guys give me access to a slingshot and allow me to use the piles of dead birds as ammunition, I’ll take care of us all. The aliens might be killing the birds, but they’re also arming us at the same time!”

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    Also: The trampoline dunking thing reminded me of the pilot episode of Modern Family. Great scene from a great episode of a great show. As kids, we never had trampolines in my neighborhood (who does?), so we would steal shopping carts from local grocery stores, lay them sideways and run and jump for neighborhood dunk contests.

  • Bruno

    agree with Tariq at:
    1.if you know that Starbury is a dog, not a person
    2.if you thought Lang was black at some point
    and also with enigmatic comment at 12:49 pm

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    Ha ha for YEARS I thought Lang was black!

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    Lang’s not black?! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • louisianimal

    if u got excited when d league games were on vs.

  • louisianimal

    if ur favorite team isnt the lakers celtics, bulls, magic, or miami

  • louisianimal

    if u hear kids say mj is their favorite player an you think “hav u ever seen him besides his hanes commercials?”

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    Langford Terrence Whitaker descends from an ancient tribe that originates high in the Bashtuk mountain range in central Nepal. He was the only albino child of their tribe in four generations. This was seen as an omen of a new age. The village elders determined they would send him to the land of their sacred spirit animal, the hawk. The elders sent baby Lang to a good home in Atlanta and the rest is history.

  • http://www.nba.com Clay Fisher

    If you read all the comments on most Slam articles

  • dsleepy

    knock on wood comment: i do that all the time!

  • dsleepy

    if – at the end of each years playoffs when there are no longer any games to watch – you feel a huge void in your life and have no idea how to fill it, except to play nba2k and re-live the past season.

  • dsleepy

    @MikeC: you got a keeper.

  • mitch

    if you lock yourself in a room, and stand for the whole 4th quarter of a playoff game

  • nezneld

    -
    If you can name the TV play-by-play and color commentators of at least 5 OTHER teams besides your own.
    -

  • http://slamonline BossTerry

    I have a notebook of the NBA draft order (handwritten) for like the last 10 years.. During the offseason I like to do a little homework on the soon to be rooks, Wifey even knows not to bug me during the draft.. (Also note whatever transactions happen, Im a little OCD)

  • http://slamonline BossTerry

    Cosign MikeC.

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    Yo bossterry, u know they have these crazy things called computers that already do all that for you?.

  • http://blog.mysanantonio.com/spursnation/ Anthony

    I think i am the only one in the world to do that and im not ashame to say it out loud: When i feel my team need an extra-boost during a tight 4th quarter, i put the clip of the training scene of “Rocky IV” on my computer cause i think the music of that scene will motivate them and get them defensive stops. Now you can give me the crown for “most weirdest Spurs fan ever”.

  • Jake

    If you can validate calling in to work sick the day after a late night nba championship celebration….

  • Max

    You think the only reason your team is winning is because you’re watching the game. And when they lose on a game you missed you get a guilty feeling… Always throwing your teams name in any basketball related discussion…

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    Whoever wrote “if ur favorite team isnt the lakers celtics, bulls, magic, or miami” –
    Did you ever stop to think that there are millions of people who live in the cities these teams play in?
    I root for the Bulls cause I grew up right outside of Chicago.
    Even when they were horribull I rooted for them cause that’s my team.

  • JMac

    if you coach playoff games from your couch

  • habeebeereseecup

    If you ever tried shooting a free throw with your feet planted Tim Duncan style…and made it, effortlessly.

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