Thursday, January 6th, 2011 at 2:54 pm  |  215 responses

Links: You Might Be Obsessed With The NBA If…

Plus, Angry Birds!

by Lang Whitaker | @langwhitaker

I’m pretty sure that we’re all about to get attacked by aliens. Has anyone else been following these stories about the birds falling out of the sky all over the world, thousands and thousands of them? Meanwhile, rivers are turning green, 40,000 crabs washed up on a beach in England, about 100,000 drum fish washed up along the shores of a river in Arkansas. And these have nothing to do with the Siberian Tiger who attacked a bus driver while all his passengers sat and watched.

I’m sure there might be logical explanations for all of these things, but I am not ready to discount the possibility someone it preparing to try and take over the earth. And if this is the case, I am angry-birdsprepared, and have been preparing, because I’ve been playing a horrifying amount of Angry Birds. On the subway, on the couch late at night while watching games, on airplanes…wherever. Just know this: If we are ever attacked by aliens who build easily-destructible wood frames, if you guys give me access to a slingshot and allow me to use the piles of dead birds as ammunition, I’ll take care of us all. The aliens might be killing the birds, but they’re also arming us at the same time!

Angry Birds has been dominating my life for a few weeks now — more specifically, the Holidays Angry Birds edition — but I know it’ll fade out in a few weeks. Before that it was Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and eventually I’m sure I’ll transition to a new game or hobby or something. The only real daily constant in my life over the last decade has been the NBA. It’s the first thing I read about in the mornings, the last thing I watch before going to sleep.

So maybe I’m not obsessed with those other things; those things are just temporal, but I’m obsessed with the NBA. All that got me thinking about ways you know you might be obsessed with the NBA.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you might be obsessed with the NBA…

If you’ve ever seriously thought about how you might look with a neck tattoo.

If you’ve ever woken up on the couch in the middle of the night with the TV on and the NBA League Pass music blaring.

If you know how to explain the defensive three seconds rule.

If your spellcheck knows words like Sagana and Varejao.

If you’ve ever played Boo-Ray.

If you consider yourself a big fan of the Red Panda Acrobats.

If you’ve ever considered getting a Mohawk just before an important event in your life.

If you’ve ever been inside an NBA arena before noon.

If you’ve ever dreamed of being called a “column castigator.”

If you know more than two of Dikembe Mutombo’s names.

If you’ve been to a D-League game.

If you own more than one pair of hightops.

If you’ve ever stayed in the Troy (MI) Marriott.

If you’ve ever worn a sweatband just around the house.

If Joe Smith has ever played for your favorite team.

If you miss the halftime performances of Christopher.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to jump off a trampoline and dunk.

If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to ride a sled down an arena aisle.

These are all just off the top of my head. What did I forget?

Leave it in the comments below…

  • Add a Comment
  • Share
  • RSS

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →
  • The Dolo

    if you noticed that in the 2008-2009 season jeff van gundy kept saying deloty west instead of delonte west

  • The Dolo

    if u think Robert Horry and Derek Fisher deserve to be in the hall of fame

  • The Dolo

    if u read bill simmons the book of basketball more than 2 times

  • The Dolo

    if your surprised when greg oden plays a game without getting a season ending injury

  • The Dolo

    if you can explain for over 5 minutes the difference of a loose ball foul and an off ball foul

  • The Dolo

    if you have espn nba trade machine as your home page on ur comp

  • The Dolo

    if u cried more after the decision than you did after your latest family member died/first child was born/ your weding, all combined

  • The Dolo

    if you actually watched all of the decision

  • The Dolo

    if you think voting for the all-stars is more important than voting for the president

  • The Dolo

    if you have a favorite d-league player

  • The Dolo

    if you knew about the dream shake b4 stephon curry rajon rondo and kobe bryant ever did it

  • The Dolo

    if you constantly change ur jump shot to accommodate the league leader in 3 point %

  • The Dolo

    if you used part of ur rent money to buy nba league pass

  • The Dolo

    if you know y shane battier is so good

  • The Dolo

    if ur one of the 20562 people that go to the cavs games (me)

  • Jdizzle

    If you spent math class trying to name more NBA players than your friend compiling a list that was several pages long (with writing in the margins)

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    Tarzan:
    When you do not plan it and it just happens, you are blessed by the “basketball gods” because, they know how much the Game means to you. They understand. So, the greatest blessing the “basketball gods” can exact to a man/woman is to allow a gentile of my humble stature to bare a child on… Michael Jeffrey Jordan’s birthday.
    “The basketball gods” are truly a part of my destiny, and apart of the destiny of my future generations. LOL.

  • http://myspace.com/gametimeweezy Gametimeweezy

    if mitch richmond and rod strickland were your favorite players

  • MikeC.

    If your wife actually understands (and not the fake ‘understands because she thinks it’s cute’ but for real understands because she accepts your addiction) when your honest to god request for a christmas present is to just be left alone on christmas day to watch the games. And while you’re watching, she brings you your LJ #2 Knicks jersey to wear while watching the games, then quickly leaves the room because it’s your christmas present.

  • Pugz

    When you find yourslef correcting the announcers during the games with stats, records, etc. that they mess up on.

  • Big Marv

    - If you know so many players by name, height and weight, that you’re able to make rosters for nba 2k11 all the way back tot 1996. And you do the same for all the nba videogames and wish they have all the throwbackjerseys from the 80′s and 90′s.

  • http://dodgers.com Joey E.

    If you looked forward to Clipper games before Blake Griffin

  • http://www.oprah.com doyouwantmore

    Yeah, scratch what I wrote about MSG. Unless I could stand center court as a player. But then that would be without a kidney…

  • http://www.oprah.com doyouwantmore

    And LOL big time at Joey E. and The Dolo.

  • Blaspemy

    Co-sign everyone. I love the L.

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    If Live 95 is still you favourite video game of all time.

  • http://dodgers.com Joey E.

    If you know what Lawler’s Law is

  • http://www.slamonline.com AllBall247

    If you know that Lawlers Law never actually works for the Clips.

  • http://www.slamonline.com Nick Tha Quick

    If you know that Josh Smith’s mom once cut an R&B record with MJ back in 1987.

  • Brown14

    Nick Tha Quick…

    Everytime I’ve been to New York I’ve wanted to go to the Slam office. I figured a random English guy showing up might freak them out tho, so never had the guts.

    And you know you’re obsessed when you consider spending $350 dollers on a Dominique Wilkins Mitchell & Ness vest, especially because thats what you dressed your created player on NBA Street in

  • MikeC.

    Players, agents and team owners should be required to read these posts before entering into CBA talks so that they can understand what they’ll do to us if they don’t agree and end up in a lockout. Everyone that posts here loves the NBA and we all have varying degrees of obsession/addiction. A lockout would be so awful, and it could trigger the retirement of guys like Tim Duncan, KG, Shaq, Ray Allen, etc. C’mon players and owners, don’t be a-holes. We love this game too much.

  • Shem

    If you we’re on the floor crying after your team lost a regular season game to Boston .. infront of your girlfriend (Raps fan lol)

  • http://www.slamonline.com Lang Whitaker

    @Brown14 If you holler first, you might stand a chance…

  • reading-at-work

    Eboy at Jan.7 at 2:56 pm

    MikeC. at Jan.6 at 3:05 pm

    niQ at Jan.6 at 4:18 pm

    made my day! thanks.

  • yes.we.did.

    If you know what actually happened to Harold Miner.

  • http://www.twitter.com/HurstySYD Hursty

    If you read all of the comments, and can do / have done 90+% of the things listed.

  • http://www.ebay.com Tariq

    …if you know who Arthur Triche is.
    …if you know that JR’s name is spelled “Isaiah” not “Isiah”
    …if you’ve ever purchased a pair of goggles a la Kareem (this would also make you a geek)
    …if you’ve gone online to see how much courtside seats for a Nets-Pacers (or any other cellar-dwellers) game would cost

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    If you risk getting in trouble at work daily, just for the sake of being on Slam Online so you can argue with some stanger over who’s favorite player is better.

  • http://www.ebay.com Tariq

    …if you think that “Starbury” is a dog, not a person
    …if you thought Lang was black at some point
    …if you were so sure that Robert Pack would become an all-star
    …if you have a friend who swears by God Shamgod

  • Brown14

    @ Lang – If I’m ever back in NY (please God let it happen) I might just do that, it’s pretty much one of my life ambitions to see the slamdome.

    @ Tariq – my basketball number is 14, simply because of Robert Pack. And I remember seeing a couple of God’s games from Providence, he was TOO nasty.

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    What’s the likelihood that we’ll get a YouTube video of this Tiger attack?

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    And Lang gets “Quote of the Century” for: “If we are ever attacked by aliens who build easily-destructible wood frames, if you guys give me access to a slingshot and allow me to use the piles of dead birds as ammunition, I’ll take care of us all. The aliens might be killing the birds, but they’re also arming us at the same time!”

  • http://www.twitter.com/chris_griff_3 Chris_Griff_3

    Also: The trampoline dunking thing reminded me of the pilot episode of Modern Family. Great scene from a great episode of a great show. As kids, we never had trampolines in my neighborhood (who does?), so we would steal shopping carts from local grocery stores, lay them sideways and run and jump for neighborhood dunk contests.

  • Bruno

    agree with Tariq at:
    1.if you know that Starbury is a dog, not a person
    2.if you thought Lang was black at some point
    and also with enigmatic comment at 12:49 pm

  • http://www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    Ha ha for YEARS I thought Lang was black!

  • http://www.stonesthrow.com Michael NZ

    Lang’s not black?! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • louisianimal

    if u got excited when d league games were on vs.

  • louisianimal

    if ur favorite team isnt the lakers celtics, bulls, magic, or miami

  • louisianimal

    if u hear kids say mj is their favorite player an you think “hav u ever seen him besides his hanes commercials?”

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    Langford Terrence Whitaker descends from an ancient tribe that originates high in the Bashtuk mountain range in central Nepal. He was the only albino child of their tribe in four generations. This was seen as an omen of a new age. The village elders determined they would send him to the land of their sacred spirit animal, the hawk. The elders sent baby Lang to a good home in Atlanta and the rest is history.

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →
Advertisement