Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 2:38 am  |  34 responses

LeBron’s New House Is Like a Small Town

Plus, he’s going to be hosting some TV show.

by Marcel Mutoni

Put it this way: LeBron James could probably fit everything that I own in the closet of his new home. That’s how big the place is going to be. According to published reports, his new crib in Bath Township features a recording studio, a two-lane bowling alley, a casino, a movie theater, a sports bar, an aquarium and a barbershop.

No word on whether or not Damon Jones is going to be working at the bowling alley, casino, movie theater, sports bar, aquarium or barbershop.

My favorite feature of the house – to be completed in the summer of 2008 – is the two-story walk-in closet. Can you imagine yourself owning so much clothing that you need a two-story closet? Is he going to be housing illegal aliens in there? Should Lou Dobbs be alerted? I’m full of questions here.

LeBron’s new home will encompass 35,440 square feet, making it approximately three times bigger than township’s current biggest house. Size, after all, does matter.

In other LeBron news: he’s going to be co-hosting this year’s ESPY awards with Jimmy Kimmel. Since I’ve never watched the show, I have no opinion on it, but I am worried about LeBron’s ability to tell a good joke. To be honest, I don’t think he’s got the personality for it, but I guess that’s why Jimmy is there.

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  • dj

    my head just exploded

  • ballin boy

    thats absolutly insane…i hope nike isn’t importing any sweatshop workers to work in this castle

  • Western_dream

    Is Bron over compensating? Looks like wise LeBron is on leave when he purchased this beauty. I can’t wait for the story about how Bron missed a game because he got lost in his own house and couldn’t get out for the game.

  • Drolfe

    No basketball court.. anyone suprised at that? I bet it came up when they were designing.
    Builder: ‘So we have the recording studio, bowling alley, barber. I suppose you’ll want a basketball court?’
    LBJ: ‘A basketball…?’
    Builder: ‘Court.’
    LBJ: ‘Oh yeah. Nah they got one of them down at the Q.’
    Builder: ‘Yeah but presumably you’d also want to shoot around at home, you know, work on your game and..’
    LBJ: ‘Hey what about a f*cking huge TV??’

  • Nine XXVI

    Wow… go away LeBron. That, or just play basketball. Those are your only choices.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    that Damon Jones joke is GOLD.
    Seriously, is he going to be working there?

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Why would anyone need a CASINO in their HOUSE? Does LeBron plan on becoming a James Bond villain if the whole NBA thing doesn’t work out? (Because I still have high hopes for Zydrunas Ilgauskas doing that someday, and he IS in Cleveland, which is near LeBron’s house, so…)

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Also, I assume that Michael Jordan’s house is 35,430 square feet. And that Kobe is going to have to have a new house built that’s 35,450 square feet. Stupid rich people.

  • http://mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Max Airington

    Hatin Russ? Did you get trapped in the closet?

  • Benedict

    Lame. That just makes some innocent kids minds not watch the NBA because the players only play for the moolah.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Yes, of course I’m hating. Because any time anyone ridicules something obnoxiously ostentatious, they’re obviously jealous. My life would be SO much better if I had 35,000 more square feet of living space! If you want me to wipe the sarcasm off this post so you can read it, I’ll pass you a Kleenex. Jerk.

  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    ‘obnoxiously ostentatious’

    it’s too early for this shit.

  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    because i know you’re all dying to see it, here’s the link to lebron’s LAWNMOWER ad.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Stop hatin.

  • jokil

    I’ve only ever seen ten minutes of an ESPY award ceremony and that was the Jimmy Valvano speech in 93′ that was great but I want to know whether there any good or not anyone know

  • H to the izzo

    LeBron’s new house makes baby Jesus cry

  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    russ, hating is what keeps me alive.

  • Chris

    I watched the ESPY’s last year when Lance Armstrong hosted, and he was surprisingly funny so I imagine LeBron will do alright, it’s not like he has to come up with his own material, he’ll have the best writers in the business.

  • http://myspace.com/bodiebarnett jbn74sb

    Drolfe – Great comments about the (lack of) basketball court. BTW, why would anyone actually want to live anywhere near Cleveland? Kobe’s dog house probably costs more than this monstrosity, considering the locations.

  • http://mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Max Airington

    I was just kidding. Damn.

  • http://the-seed.net/suns Hersey

    I have been in a two story walk-in closet. It was a DB from the AZ Cardinals. I was doing satellite installation. I had to take a big ladder into the closet just to reach the in-house wire box. That closet was full too.

  • Shuttlesworth, J

    I miss Jamie Foxx hosting the ESPY’s and his songs to Serena Williams…and I think LeBron enjoyed them as well…now its his turn. GOD HELP HIM.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEifJ8QWNRc-2003
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6BZgKL1WNk-2004

  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    hey, great links, shuttlesworth. thanks!

  • http://idunkonthem.blogspot.com/ albie1kenobi

    i give props to lebron for doing business with a lawnmower company. he knew he was gonna get a big estate and he’s gonna need a fleet of lawnmowers.
    lebron’s definitely more in the mode of hustler than a basketball player. no wonder he and jay-z clicks. all about the paper.

  • Shuttlesworth, J

    Yep! Now the songs are stuck in my head…

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    This is from the espys wikipedia page: Memorable moments

    Since Valvano’s stirring speech at the first ESPY ceremony, these moments have also occurred:

    * During the 2006 show, Lance Armstrong made this joke about the French World Cup soccer team: “All their players tested positive… for being a-holes.” [1] Armstrong also made a crude anal sex joke to Jake Gyllenhaal the star of Brokeback Mountain.

    GO GET ‘EM LEBRON!

  • http://www.myspace.com/russellkeewatin Chief

    ha that lawnmower ad is tight. “am I going left or am i going right?” SWAT!

  • http://slamonline.com mutoni

    weren’t armstrong and the donnie darko rumored to be more than just ‘friends’?

  • Sneakerhead

    lebrons the man

  • dez

    wait, isn’t Shaq’s house like, 60,000sq feet? psshh, thats how real men live

  • Lee

    too bad i moved becuase i would have been there working and helping my dad. it’s massive

  • B. Deezy

    man, ‘bron’s house is almost as big as my rez…sumthin’ ain’t right

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Sorry Max, you caught me at a bad time. After being called a hater for a week straight just because I don’t consider Kobe the MVP I just snapped. Nothing personal.

  • http://opas.cjb.net Sesa

    Why the hell those nba players own that kinda house? Most of the season were spent on the road anywayz.
    To be on MTV Cribs?

    I wondered if LeBron had a big-ass framed picture of scarface

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