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Monday, February 11th, 2008 at 12:54 pm  |  39 responses

Ground beef and beans: Let Marion play

Don’t make Rasheed do it

Once again, we call on a commenter to speak to the group. You may recognize the name Ryne Nelson from the comments in SLAMonline posts. He also posts thousands of basketball videos here. Ryne has the floor…
By Ryne Nelson

It’s amazing how much time writers’ block can waste.

I’ve literally sat here on my bed, pillows propped up, legs outstretched on my deep ocean blue comforter, for hours. I’m waiting for my fingers to start typing magical characters onto the screen. I look up at my Gilbert Arenas poster like churchgoers might half-mindedly look up at stained glass windows. I’m saying a prayer.

Gilbert, please deliver me some words.

So I wait for a sign from Gilbert. In the meantime, I put on some socks. It’s getting cold. Phone rings. It’s my guy at St. Louis U. Nice words, exchange pleasantries. We’re off the line again. I’m here again. He’s there again. Still, staring at an blank screen. Damn. I watch Breaking Bad. Get sorta hype. Shoot some emails. What?! Dad’s in town! Visit. Watch The Onion news. Laugh, finally. Sit back down on the blue comforter.

Writers. Block. Four hours. Post-game.

And then I hear a voice (vaguely like Gil’s, mind you): “Watch the f*ckin’ game, dumb*ss.” Now, either I’m hearing voices or waxing prophetic like Eli Stone. I prefer the latter because who doesn’t want random George Michael hallucinations (don’t ask…just watch)? Yet, watching the game seems like a decent plan. I’ve been known to watch hoops every now and then. My eyes are tired and red. I can’t see the computer screen. It’s a blurred fuzz And I heard watching a cursor blink more than 1,239,340 times results in automatic early onset Alzheimer’s Disease. Just check the blogs.

I flip on a Pistons shellacking of a team that doesn’t deserve mention. (If you know which team I’m talking about, don’t even try to argue about injuries, they were broken beyond repair). In the words of the great American journalist Hunter S., those filthy swines had this coming from the moment they were born onto this sorry, ugly, putrid planet. But I digress. Point being, the announcer informs me that Rasheed Wallace is going to New Orleans this weekend to hoop in the All-Star Game!

Okay, pause. Let’s paint a quick picture here. I’m sitting on my old couch, slouchin’ real low, chin on the chest, scruff pricking the cotton of my blue faux Banana Rep. sweater (mom’s got it from Kohl’s a couple Christmases ago). One sock on, one sock across the room. Hair not just disheveled…it’s everywhere. Into my mouth, I fork beans out of a cereal bowl, four or five at a time. Yes, I pretty much live on a peasant’s diet of ground beef and garbanzos…and buttered noodles, but that’s for another time and place (I’m laughing…like crazy!).

Play. Beans go everywhere. The hair stays disheveled. My face looks like your grandfather’s the first time he sees that you’ve grown 2004 Ricky Davis chops. First off, those beans…R.I.P. Second off, WTF!

Don’t get me wrong. Sheed is the man – the glue guy on my 8th place fantasy basketball squad. He deserves to be an All-Star, of course. But if the man clearly said he doesn’t want to play, listen to his request! David Stern knows Bald Spot would do anything to skip these mid-season glamour shows and chill with his fam. Sheed has been vocal this season and in the past about using the break as a mini-vacation.

I was happy for Sheed this season. Dude was playing well and rest was on the way. His cake, and eating it too. Yet, Stern took it away only a week after reserves were announced. This is cruel, Mr. Stern.

I survey my surroundings – beans sparkled on the floor like a game of marbles, a faint smell of hamburger still wafting I the air – and I wonder if there’s still time to fix this. To make the situation better for Rasheed Wallace. To get word to David Stern, and to excuse Sheed of the terrible, grueling agony of being an NBA All-Star.

Now listen up: Miami Heatian Shawn Marion should replace Kevin Garnett in the contest! It’s not as if this isn’t without precedent. Last season, Allen Iverson rocked the Red and White only weeks after fans elected him as Philly’s representative in the East. It’s strange, folks, but it works and actually makes sense. I know it’s tough at this point but if we mentally transplant Marion into the East, there’s no doubt he deserves to be the guy replacing the Ticket.

As a matter of fact, Marion’s been downright lava this season. He’s out-hooped Gerald Wallace, Ray Allen, Jose Calderon and Rasheed. I understand Rasheed’s a big like Garnett, but Marion, as you recall, has locked down power forwards all year while playing D’Antoni small ball.

So now, I’m yelling at the television screen, furiously trying to bring up a fresh Word Document, and tip-toeing over – as best I can – miniature land mine clusters of starchy, gas-inducing, dusty, beans. Screw it. Just get me a vacuum. I have a serious case of writer’s block to kick in the *ss. We all know The Commish (the millionaire) reads SLAM. Here’s to hoping this ends up among Stern’s morning-wire-tap-and-cup-o-tea.

And, Mr. Stern, if you disagree, don’t chew me out. Direct your anger to that cat on my wall, Gilbert. He told me to watch.

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  • Kadavour

    great idea. Let’s hope ‘Sheed hasn’t cancelled those vacation arrangements.

  • Kadavour

    there might be a problem with sending 2 players from the worst team in the league instead of sending 2 from the best team though. but i still like the idea

  • http://kb24.com Bigi

    Rynosaurus!

  • Captain America

    I’d like dat

  • http://www.tasa201.wordpress.com Tariq

    Or Hedo.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Nice work, Rynocerous.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    This give’s me an idea. Sam, look for a D-Wade, overconfidence piece, soon.

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    I can’t help but think at least 6 of those paragraphs were unnecessary.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Please elaborate.

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    Note:I should include that I meant the good kind of unnecessary,the type of unnecessary that consumes my life.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    That was so unnecassary.

  • overtime

    Sheed!No…just no! Turkoglu is in the top three for All-star snubs, along with Jesus and The Beard, how can he not have a lock on this spot? Yes he plays small forward (let’s just check where Marion is listed at anyway), but the East never have an abundance of big men anyways, so get Hedo in the game!

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    Eboy:If I’m Captain Obvious,you’re Admiral Unnecessary.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Thanks everyone for the words.
    @Overtime – Turk’s another one. Put him in the game for Christ’s sake!

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Rynocerous is a spastic commentor on the norm and the day he has a post published he shows up an hour later? Damn 12 year olds.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Oh, and Izzo, ‘unnecessary’ is my middle name. That’s how I keep it fresh from the ‘rest.’

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Eboy, I can’t tell you how awesome you are. Sorry about the time thing…prior engagements are killing me.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Ryne, since I can read through your sarcasm, I would like to just say “thank you”. Allright, so in the last couple of months we’ve seen Izzo, Dan and Rynocerous on the posting tip. Now here’s my choices for commentors who should do pieces to follow those three excellent works:

    1. BET
    2. Shia
    3. Krazie Bone

    Please boys, work that out. (TAD, I’d have put your name too, but I can’t read a glowing review of the Pistons without wanting to punch myself in the face)

    3.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    I’d like to see BET do what he does for 700 words. Although we’d probably need decoder rings to understand his message.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Rynocerous, did you see his GS Warriors preview in the beginning of the season? He killed it, in a good way. BET pulled it out like Clinton in the Oval Room.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    Ha! Unfortunately, I missed BET’s piece. I’m going to hit the archives and read it today. By the way, Eboy, can you recommend any of your writing with which you’re particularly smitten?

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    I’m confused by the question, Rynocerous. Please explain it to me slightly less intelligently.

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    I mean, have you written a piece before?

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    The only thing that is on this site, is my co-written preview of this season’s Heat team with fellow commentor, Cheryl. It could be viewed as comedic fiction at this point, but I was proud that it had the second most comments of all the previews written. I also think our’s was the longest as well, but that’s just diareah at the mouth, or the fingers, to be more accurate. I think my post count is equal to a small wing in the Ronal Reagan Memorial Library, though.

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    I technically had two pieces published,so there.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    F*ck off. Your first one was a newsletter piece. BTW, what the f*ck happened to the newsletter?

  • http://why-bother-reading.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    I used to enjoy the newsletter,I’m guessing Ben Collins world tour of Europe may have something to do with it.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Yes, I liked the newsletter too. Ben O…….explanation please. Any hope of a resurfacing?

  • Ken

    Great idea, annoying writing style.

  • http://slamonline.com Sam Rubenstein

    the newsletter is scheduled to return, but not written by the enigma that is Ben Collins.
    BETcats wrote the Golden State preview, which was pretty funny.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    Thanks, Sam.

  • http://tadone.blogspot.com TADOne

    I wouldn’t necassarily have to write a Pistons piece to satisfy my writing craze, but I would do it just to see Eboy punch himself in the face, and Shia literally commit suicide. Good times.

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    LOL

  • Young Chris #3

    Can Eddie House replace Kobe if his finger keeps him out of the shootout?

  • http://Odenized.com Ryne Nelson

    I’d back that up, Young, and I’m thinking Ryan would as well. Much MUCH more likely, though, House replaces Caron and his re-aggravated hip.

  • Bubbachuck

    no offense 2 tha slam regulars but i liked this article alot better than sum of tha 1s yall rite

  • http://www.tasa201.wordpress.com Tariq

    Eboy: WTF?? No Tariq in your list? I thought I was your boy?

  • http://whitehoteboysworld.blogspot.com white hot eboy

    You are, but I can’t sit and read the notes of a love lorn camel jockey without giving myself another beating.

  • http://www.INEED.ORG Tarzan Cooper

    WHAT THE FU(K?!!!!!!! HYMEN GETS A FU(KING PIECE?? WHY DOES THAT ASSHOLE GET TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR THE SITE???!!!!!!!!!!1

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