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Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 6:33 pm  |  64 responses

Kobe, tell us how Shaq’s anus tastes

The Commish…

I absolutely, positively love everything about Shaq’s freestyle performance at The Coliseum. The only thing appalling or shocking is some of the self-righteous alarm that we’re seeing from some of my media brethren; but then again, it’s just another indication of the generation and cultural gaps that exist between the players and those that cover them.

It actually made me, a fellow Gen-Xer, proud to see Shaq on that stage — albeit in a family-reunion getup with Damon Jones’ twin beside him — getting at Kobe. Only a Gen-Xer could have pulled that off. Shaq’s formative years were soundtrack’d by Biggie and Public Enemy and Pac and EPMD and Wu and, well, you can dig. Pat Ewing and David Robinson were pumping Luther Vandross and Freddie Jackson through their headphones. So, at 35, Ewing’s commensurate recourse would have been going to a bourgeoisie supper-club and crooning about how Charles Smith broke his heart in the 93 Eastern Conference Finals. When Kareem was 35, he’d have to go get a band and perform a protest song directed at Kevin McHale or grab two tenor saxes and challenge Elvin Hayes to a cutting-contest. But Shaq, forever young, got on stage and spit, what I deem a fairly clever line: “Kobe, tell me how my a$$ tastes.” Or, in other words, “Kobe, I’ve just spent the past few minutes — or few years, really — sh&%$#ng on you, so, tell me, how does the product of my anus taste?” Hilarious, classic and, if you ask me, culturally monumental.

Sure it was kinda bush-league. I didn’t need to know that Shaq got a vasectomy, information that probably sent thousands of gold-diggers into suicidal depressions. Sure it was petty to rub in a recent loss. But Shaq was at a nightclub, on the mic, in front of fans that — at this point in his carer — probably only care too much about him when attached to Kobe, so he gave ‘em what they wanted. And, yeah, sure it was tinged with some residue-animus. Shaq smiled throughout most of his performance, but his expression turned to a glower when he mentioned Kobe in reference to his divorce. That could have been a pensive expression of concentration, searching for rhyming words and linear thoughts, but it could have also been a moment of tipsy honesty. Oh, best believe Shaq was popped off some type of truth-serum. I can’t tell you how many times I was in a bent-cipher with my crew and heard something spit in my direction that made me think, “Oh, so that’s how you feel?” If you wanna let somebody know how you really feel — but don’t really wanna do that — then drop on somebody in a freestyle cipher or battle, when all bets are off. That’s how it goes. Ribbing, trash-talking, battle-rhymes — they’re all fundamentally childish and one of the few times that grown men can behave like petulant, non-filtered, smallish brats without too much fear of physical retribution (unless you’re dealing with thugs) or fractured relationships, provided no one really goes in. There was no adult reason for LL to tell Can-i-bus that he went “platinum for every time your grimy a$$ was on the train.” It’s all good ol’, sophomoric competition.
Shaq is smart, because he backed Kobe into a corner. If Kobe reacts to this is any way other than ambivalent or mildly amused then Kobe loses whatever “street cred” — to use a term middle-age squares like to employ — he currently has.

Bravo, Shaq. He spent all season acting like he was truly happy for Kobe’s success so that, if/when Kobe got a ring, Shaq could act as if it didn’t bother him. But anyone that has followed Shaq throughout his career knows that he is probably the most egotistical athlete of his generation. Shaq has too many “feed the big dog” quotes and tantrums thrown to get lost in our infatuation with his moments of self-deprecation and clowning. There was absolutely no way that Kobe’s success wasn’t burning through his insides like an acidic ulcer.

So when Kobe played, perhaps, his worst basketball of the season and failed to grab his fourth ring, Shaq was probably sitting in his Star Island mansion thinking, “I won.” Shaq and Kobe are in competition and it’s a competition that is more public, personal and compelling because of their history. His freestyle was his generation’s quintessential vehicle for oneupmanship.

This is ingrained in the fabric of the black community. Any display of skill or talent becomes a competition, whether it’s playing an instrument, dressing clean, baking a sweet potato pie or playing some ball. Shaq was doing nothing more than “talking trash.” Except, these days, you can talk trash via emceeing. Shaq happens to be more skilled than most athletes with the mic. He is no MF DOOM or Nas, but he is clearly better than Kobe. Folks can clown Shaq if they want, but he was moving the crowd — not like KRS, but still moving the crowd; which, by many definitions, is the essence of emceeing…hence the initials (MC). Kobe would have done one of two things: 1.) Get up there and actually try to spit a written verse with multi-syllabic words that he’d inevitably mangle leading to him asking the DJ to “run it back,” like he was recording a single; or 2.) Get up there with a vocoder and backup dancers. Kobe will always be more polished than Shaq, but never cooler than Big Dies. Shaq knows this, just like he knows Kobe will spend the next five years incessantly at the forefront of the league and consistently winning rings. Shaq has a few years left in the spotlight, a spotlight that will be dimmed by Kobe’s shadow, so he took one last opportunity to get at Kobe where Kobe can’t get him back — on the streets, so to speak. Kobe got TMZ’d or YouTube’d, he got Cuuurrrtttiiisss’d. Unless Kobe responds by writing a “scathing Op-Ed in the Times,” he’s gonna have to sit back and taste Shaq’s anus on this one.

Classic.

Vincent Thomas is a SLAMOnline columnist and SLAM Magazine contributor. He can be reached at vincethomas79@gmail.com.

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  • BK

    Shaq got his sheriff badge taken away.

  • http://www.slamonline.com James the balla

    shaq is not a smart man…

  • Bubba Chuck

    @ bk: haha ya because he said
    “That’s like a white boy trynna be more n!**@ than me”

  • B. Long

    Yeah, Shaq is a horse, a horse’s ass.

  • blackjack

    Shaq Rondo’d Kobe

  • http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com Mo Charlo

    Did Shaq Fu’s sales go up?

  • http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com Mo Charlo

    but seriously, that was one of the more preposterous things I’ve ever seen a grown man do. Shaq is a big kid on the inside, and was never one for humility. Shaq may grow up one day and say that he could watch Kobe (or DWade for that matter) be good, but today ain’t that day.

  • http://tha4point0show.tumblr.com WeS

    I love it. I’m looking forward to Shaq handing the Larry O’Brien trophy out everytime the Lakers dont win. If they lose in the conference finals – bring Shaq in. Let’s make that happen NBA…

  • B. Long

    Aww, Shaq got his badge taken up. Probably best though, considering his fat ass can’t even make it up and down a basketball court I don’t really see him chasing anyone trying to avoid jail time.

  • Chukaz

    Shaq’s @$$ probably tastes like a million dollar prostitute.

  • Chukaz

    @ B. Long: I don’t think he even fits inside a cop car. If he does fit, I doubt the car can run faster than 40 with the pedal to the floor.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    The thing is, Kobe doesn’t have to respond at all. In the parlance of the hip-hop generation, Mr. Diesel “played himself.” Word to Jeru.

  • http://firemitchkupchak.com Jackie Moon

    Mo Charlo – “that was one of the more preposterous things I’ve ever seen a grown man do. ” – Hilarious. Yes, people are taking this too seriously, but it’s stilla little pathetic. I hope Kobe knows the best thing he can do for his image right now is to not respond. Then all the “classy” people (you know, the ones always saying that other people have no class) will begrudgingly have to accept Kobe into their fold for not stooping to their insulter’s level.

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    According to my handy dandy hip hop manual, Kobe should just f*ck Shaq’s wife and get it over with. Isn’t that the trump card in all rap beefs?

  • B. Long

    @Myles: Worked for Tupac…

  • B. Long

    Shaq is probably the only person in the world who could make Steve Nash miss Pat Burke.

  • B. Long

    Speaking of Steve Nash, if Kobe was to respond to this idiocracy(which he won’t). He should def. tell Shaq to ask his teammate what his dick tastes like considering he put it in his mouth on that dunk in the playoffs last year.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Like his many rings, Shaq is also filled to the gil with honorary badges. Try Orlando, Miami and Newark. But dummies wouldn’t know that, their too busy greasin’ the pole.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    B, I know you think Shaq hate makes up for your teams embarrasment last week, but seriously, if not for his fat ass, your teams legacy would still be livin’ in the 80′s.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Oh, and Commish, glad you are one of the SLAM writers that “get it” in this particular scenario. Nice work.

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    Theres another side to that coin that you’re ignoring.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    His idiotic performance and the fact that he’s not relative in the grand scheme of NBA ball anymore?

  • http://www.ballerblogger.com Brandon Hoffman

    Vince – This was an extremely well-written article. But I don’t agree that Shaq’s rhyme should essentially be “brushed under the rug.” A lot of truth is said in jest. I agree with Russ. Kobe doesn’t have to respond lyrically. I’m sure he’d prefer to let his play do his talking. The Laker and Suns play four times next season. All four of those matchups will be circled on my calendar. Bryant is cold-blooded. There will be hell to pay…

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    That, and his passive aggressive behavior in the aftermath of this incident. He knows he meant that sh*t and I have no problem with that, if in fact Kobe did ruin his marriage. So he should stand behind what he said and deal with it, not offer up some half a**ed retraction. The man snitched on him, which resulted in a divorce settlement in the millions. Anyone who thinks that hes joking about that is delusional. Oh, and the fact that Shaq never won anything by himself either. Effing megalomaniac.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Megalomaniac is so often underused and so great to read. I also think that Shaq’s “vision” of Kobe putting his marriage on ice by his snitchness is part of an overblown aberration that Shaq’s slow to rhyme mind uses as unwarranted fuel. I’m not stupid Myles, dumbed down for the masses maybe, but not a moron as you and many others think. I know Shaq’s an asshole, probably equal to the Purple Pariah in that sense, but he is better at the “game” so I give him more rope, which his big a*s needs and he is worlds more entertaining as a human so I can stomach him more readily.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    Kobe WILL turn Shaq into a poster. Like Mens Wearhouse, i gurantee it.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    yeah, Shaq also tried to win it all by himself, and lost. Shaq v. Hakeem 1995 or 1996, ESPN classics taught me about that.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Kobe’s play next season doesn’t even enter into it. Wasn’t he MVP this season? Didn’t he help guide a Laker team that no one expected to do much of anything all the way to the NBA Finals? Shaq gets away with acting the fool because he’s Shaq. That’s fine. If he wants to get tipsy and drop a fifteenth-rate freestyle in some club, that’s all good. But you know—and Kobe knows—that while Kobe wouldn’t have won those titles without Shaq, Shaq wouldn’t have won them without Kobe, either.

  • http://slamonline.com Russ Bengtson

    Oh, that’s right Shaq DID win a ring without Kobe, and got another Finals MVP in the process. So there is—what? Dwyane Wade did what? Oh damn, nevermind.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    but Ron Harper and Samki Walker were the real reasons they won anyway, right?

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    What’s a Dwyane Wade?

  • http://www.ballerblogger.com Brandon Hoffman

    @ Russ – I disagree. Next season does play into it. And the season after that too. Right until Kobe retires. This is a feud that will be decided by championships. If Kobe wins more rings than Shaq, he gets the last laugh. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter how many MVP’s and scoring titles he accumulates.

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ H to the izzo

    It seems that Shaq has some endowment issues.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    Eboy: Something that falls down a lot, but gets back up just to be fouled even when nobody is in plain sight of him.

    And i think that Shaq was doing Kobe a favor of getting him into the fine art of annul dinning. I myself do not partake in this a$$hole eating but those who do enjoy it. Kobe will be sending Shaq 1 dozen roses, not 12 bars.

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    and why is nobody mentioning the Orlando Shaq years. Its the same thing from what i seen on ESPN Classics. Shaq was far suppior from the rest of the team and brought them to the finals, where hungry Hakeem kicked Shaq’s @ss. Or did i just make that all up.

  • Tasty

    This “article” is sh1t. Now, tell me how that tastes.

  • tealish

    Kobe will respond to this by going, “What rap? I didn’t hear anything. What are you guys talking about?”
    That’s his way. See Raja Bell and Ray Allen.

  • Mike

    Shaq reigns as usual. All the stiffs in the burbs won’t ever get him.

  • Kobe Bryant

    i don’t care what shaq said. he was just joking.

  • ca$h

    shaq is old and needs to retire… he is just mad tht kobe mad it to the finals and he didnt!!!!!

  • http://firemitchkupchak.com Reggie Evans

    But what will the children think when they see their heroes bickering like this?

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com DP

    why does shaq make soulja boy look like jigga man? please, Kobe, don’t rap. spare yourself. shaq is just hating because you made it to the finals. he hates it when you exceed him in the playoffs.

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com DP

    I hope I can be like shaq when I grow up. Old, fat, and bitter. with the ability not to breed youngin’s to boot. hell yea.

  • CB4eva

    kobe shud tell shaq that at least he got past the first round this year

  • tealish

    Shh, Chris Bosh. You’re too soft to be talking smack about Shaq.

  • http://www.friendster.com/sesa Sesa

    O how the mighty have fallen

  • http://firemitchkupchak.com Reggie Evans

    Review of Shaq’s anus: hmm, well-aged, has a funky aroma, a dry bitter taste, swish swish, interesting, tastes a little bit like losing, swish swish, make that first round losing, pppphhhp, rinse rinse, the 2000 vintage was definitely better.

  • Nathalie

    this rant–i mean freestyle, is probably why he is divorced…

  • chintao

    Vincent Thomas’s ghetto pass should be revoked. The Hip-Hop Generation runs parallel to (i.e. – alongside, but never touching) Gen X. Minorities, by definition, can’t be Generation X, which connotes befuddlement and Starbuck-swilling, overprivileged slackerdom.

  • matt the jazz fan

    didn’t ghetto passes go out with the nineties?

  • WhaHuh

    Karrine Stephans aka Superhead is why he is divorced

  • WhaHuh

    Karrine Stephans aka Superhead is why he is divorced

  • Clint

    Truth be told, we should all ignore Shaq. This isn’t funny; it’s sad. At 35, a man should possess a certain level consciousness that prevents these slips. He shouldn’t be wont to such expressions of foolishness. But Shaq lacks all that.

    So let’s not go giving The Big Dumb props for some sense of discernment he does not possess and applauding ‘street cred’ as if that ever took an ounce of sense to acquire.

    Instead, let’s just call Shaq out for what he is: a moron. And let’s thank God that, for whatever his faults, Kobe is not into taking the low road and hope that this ended where it started: with Shaq alone being an A$$.

  • http://www.mysixxcents.blogspot.com fazeroni

    All of you need to stop hatin’ on the Shaq. The dude was just clownin’ as always. What Shaq was hilarious. He is a crowd pleaser and nothing pleases the crowd more than a good old a*% whoppin’ on the microphone. Regardless of his de-badging and mass criticisms he will and has received from overly conservative America. Shaq should be appreciated for his character and respected for his achievements.

  • http://www.mysixxcents.blogspot.com fazeroni

    Vincent. I completely agree with what you said dude. And people need to lighten up!

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    Stephen A Smith should rap about cheese doodles!

  • BXIrv

    thats cory gunz standing next to shaq on stage fyi

  • chintao

    matt the jazz==> Sorry, showing my age. Anyway, just because bling eclipsed “street cred” (thanks, Commish), that doesn’t mean that ghetto passes are obsolete. Keep it real, y’all!

  • http://yahoo.com JOe

    haha this is funny the whole thing

  • dash

    gf

  • dash

    Everyone in the whole country knows Shaq cheats on his wife. I have a 100 degrees of separation and know it for a fact. Shaq lovedemhoes. And has a BDR for the last 36 years. It never grew after he turned four. that’s why wifey left him. Also, he need to stay relevant or he’ll die out like Kareem.

  • http://www.slamonline.com someone

    he dissed vlade divac its soooooooo funny

  • dave

    In their primes i would take shaq in a snap,but shaq, i think embarrassed himself.He can ball,he cannot act,he cannot rap and basically turned phx season into ruins,while kobe was deserved mvp

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