Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 10:43 am  |  19 responses

Quotemonger: Pistons Pulling A Celtics?

Plus, the Mike Dunleavy, Jr. problem.

by Bethlehem Shoals

A very Obama-themed Quotemonger…

Amare Stoudemire discusses his future:

“My goal is to become a phenmenal defensive player. That’s my goal. To be a phenomenal defensive player night in, night out, no nights off. And ultimately to win a championship.”

Translation: You know, it’s like getting elected President as a black man in America. The governing part is a cinch after that. I was so excited after Obama won that I passed Animated coach.out halfway through his speech, but I’m guessing that was the moral of the whole thing, right?

Don Nelson on the Al Harrington situation:

“I think Al will be traded, but we got to wait till we get the right deal for him. In the meantime, I have to bring his replacement along. I don’t know what player we’re going to receive from him. It could be any position, one through five, it just needs to be a good player, that’s all.”

Translation: I’m always down for Russian roulette, as long as I get a pistol for each hand.

Bobcats rookie Alexis Ajinca reflects on his playing time:

“I am not disappointed because I knew I won’t play 15 minutes. I expect my time and when it will be there I will be present.”

Translation: I’ll be at home asleep, and Larry can send a car around.

Mike Dunleavy, Jr. on his ankle injury:

“I really don’t know because this thing has a mind of its own.”

Translation: That’s why I got drafted so f**king high. Because like a brontosaurus, each part of my body has its own little brain. Or like the Alien, with that little mouth inside its mouth. Seriously. How else do you think I get those minutes at points guard?

Nate Robinson fondly remembers his former coach:

“Larry blamed me for everything, even if it wasn’t my fault. He made me tougher so I’d be able to run a team one day.”

Translation: Jewish guilt + Nate the Great = further proof dude’s in the wrong professional sports league.

LeBron on Obama:

“It was something that you can tell your kids, you really can become anything now. You don’t have to become a basketball player.”

Translation: Except because I’m LeBron James, when I tell kids they can become a basketball player, I might as well be telling them to become the first black President.

And Dwight Howard:

“I’m trying to become politically [active] and learn about Democrats and Republicans, and hopefully one day I can run for president.”

Translation: Please, please let this be an incredibly complex case of meta-NBA self-satire.

Can it happen? Will it happen?!Iverson on his mindset:

“I have money. I have all the individual accolades. I’ve done the All-Star thing. I’ve been the scoring champ and an MVP. What I haven’t had was the chance to feel the feeling of winning a championship.”

Translation: When I saw Garnett do his thing, my first thought was “man, I’ve got to get some of whatever he’s on.”

Shawn Marion, on the face mask he has to wear now:

“Those things are just horrible. I feel like I am a caged animal in that thing.”

Translation: Most players want to come to South Beach because of the clubs and girls, but it gives me a chance to finally get in touch with my inner Dexter Morgan.

Tentacles!Drew Gooden, fired up and ready to pay higher taxes:

“If it’s going to help the world, we’re ready to do it.”

Translation: I wish I were speaking for all the players in this league, but really I took a vote of all the little tentacles coming off my face. It’s that Mike Dunleavy, Jr. problem. That’s why we went third and fourth in the same draft. Ya heard?

Don’t hesitate to pre-order FreeDarko’s book, the ideal way to enjoy the League and save money at the same time.

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  • jay

    just oredered the FREEDarko….great read!

  • awesomepossum

    i’m a quotemonger fan.

  • awesomepossum

    the brontosaurus bit was ridic.

  • awesomepossum

    i’m slightly surprised D’Antoni’s numerous quotes didnt’ get in this.

  • http://slamonline.com/ Ryne Nelson

    I think everyone is Knicked out, awesome. Last Quotemonger was entirely Knicks quotes…

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    Love the Dexter mention. And the book is copped.

  • namik

    I don’t even know what team Lil Dun is on anymore? Should I be ashamed? The Nate one was great.

  • ciolkstar

    Quote Monger is good. The Nate Rob and Alexis Ajinca ones were especially money. Larry Brown seems almost as out of place as Jordan. Speaking of MJ, did anyone else think his style was kinda wack at the Garden? I know its hard to find jeans that fit when you’re 6-6 but C’mon.

  • 800lb

    If Marion is Dexter Morgan, does that make Udonis Haslem the new James Doakes?

  • http://www.theonion.com Fishwagon

    That ‘jewish guilt’ thing was TASTELESS. Do you realize that in pre-war Germany there was a rise in little humorous anti-semitic jokes. Now watch South Park and Family Guy. Sorry to be a downer and heavy-handed and everything but the cultural direction the U.S is going is beyond scary. It’s ugly.

  • http://www.freedarko.com Shoals

    I’m sorry, was that a joke? “Jewish guilt” is as harmless as “Catholic guilt.” You’re even allowed to joke about them if you’re not Jewish or Catholic, respectively. And guess what. . I’M BOTH!!!!!!!

    Thanks for making my day, though, by suggesting that making “Jewish guilt” part of a joke about Larry Brown, who could be the mascot for the damn thing, is proof that Sarah Palin will soon be opening death camps.

    If you’re so concerned about taste, why don’t you point out that half these Quotemonger bits are borderline racist?

  • http://shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    I only listen to comedy that makes fun of Jews or is borderline racist.

  • MC Welk

    Just ordered an FD shirt for my inner Dexter.

  • andrew

    Shoals: great work, and even better response. Nice one. The book has been on pre-order since it was first made known to me. Since the season’s started, and I don’t have cable, it’s the one thing that’s been keeping my stifled hoop fandom alive over the last few weeks.

  • Bryant Reeves

    Shoals – how can you be both Catholic and Jewish? You’re wracked with guilt over losing your foreskin?

  • http://www.hibachi20.blogspot.com Hursty

    He is Catholic, but has a father who is Jewish, but following your mothers religion he is Catholic…?

  • http://www.freewebs.com/betcats BETCATS

    to be fair to Larry Brown about Alexis, Larry played Alexis last night and Alexis returned the favor by getting 2 fouls in 35 seconds then proceeding to score 1 point.

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  • chintao

    Did each of Gooden’s tentacles get to vote for Obama? I sense election fraud.