Wednesday, January 7th, 2009 at 12:05 pm  |  30 responses

Conflict And Resolution

Who’s still keeping their New Year’s Resolutions?

by John Krolik

It’s one week after New Year’s, and you know what that means—75 percent of America has already given up on their New Years’ Resolutions.

Down on yourself because you’re not running at 3 a.m. before work, you haven’t given up red meat, or you’re watching more than a half-hour of TV a night? Worry not! NBA players are just like you, except they’re taller and people actually care about their Twitter feeds. They break their New Year’s resolutions just like everyone else! Let’s take a look at which of your favorite NBA coaches and players have already kept or broken their resolutions, and which ones are still in progress.

In Good Shape:

“I want to prove that it’s possible for a point guard that it’s possible to play at the All-Star level while literally making more behind-the-back ball fakes than jump shots.” — R. Rondo

“I plan to stay up all the way to midnight, then promptly get to bed so that I can catch the matinée showing of Frost/Nixon the next day. I’m going to buy socks in bulk so I don’t realize I need new socks when I’m out shopping for khakis in a men’s store and end up paying $15 a pair. That is unacceptable. They’re just socks. Also, I’d like to put up the quietest 20-10 for a 2nd-place team in its conference ever.” — T. Duncan

Um, bow tie“I want to settle, once and for all, the ultimate barroom debate and prove that I am better than Brian Scalabrine.” — M. Bonner

“If LeBron James gets called for traveling with the game on the line after putting up a 33 and 10 on my court while I sit and talk smack from the bench, you can bet I’m going to count that as a win and dive on the chance for my 16th minute like a dog on a bone.” — DESHAWN STEVENSON #2 WASHINGTON WIZARDS CHECK OUT MY MYSPACE

“I want to prove that the best way to get people to stop talking like you represent everything wrong with the human race is to keep quiet, play hard and hit shots.” — O.J. Mayo

“I want to prove that playing soft and missing shots is a good way to get people to just stop talking about you altogether.” — A. Bargnani

Still Up In The Air:

“I have to figure out whether to blame this mess on when I’m the general manager and the coach. Also, I want to figure out how to get through to Baron.” — M. Dunleavy Sr.

“I came to LA for a challenge, and even though things haven’t started off well, I’m going to see it through. Mark my words—before I leave the Clippers, I will have a recurring role on Entourage.” — B. Davis

“Somehow turn Anthony Randolph into a legitimate scorer instead of someone who looks like a 10-year-old child enlarged and given super powers, like in old school Power Rangers episodes.” — D. Nelson

“Perfect defense in which Randolph, Brandon Wright and Andris Biedrins link arms in a triangle outside of the key and prevent anyone from being able to enter it.” — D. Nelson

“Win games using lineups made entirely of shoot-first combo guards. I want my offensive sets to look as overstuffed as tracks from Chinese Democracy.” — D. Nelson

“Continue to hide the fact that Monta Ellis has actually been healthy all season and pretending to be Devin Harris for 20 minutes a game.” — D. Nelson

“Continue to throw darts at our D-League roster to prove that literally any guard on the planet can be successful for me, except Marcus Williams.” — D. Nelson

“If I complete all of these tasks, I have been promised that Dell Curry will fashion me another of the magical invisible fedoras he made for Stephen.” — D. Nelson

“In order to solve the adjustment problems I’ve had ever since coming into the NBA that not even inspirational poetry could solve, I’m going to finally learn to understand my teammates by Netflixing The Wire.” — J. Redick

“Not only do I want to win this Dunk Contest, but I want my performance to make me and Hedo Turkoglu the logical successors to Gnarls Barkley.” — D. Howard

“This year, I am going to come up with a suitable retort to ‘Tell me how my ass taste.’ After three months of research, promising trains of thought include the possible phallic connotations of ‘low post,’ reference to ‘diesel’ as being an outdated and environmentally irresponsible source of energy, or ‘Tell me How Steve Nash Taste.’ All of these threads could potentially lead to the discovery of a satisfactory ‘dissrespectful term’ to use on Shaq. Also, I’m going to get a ring this year if I have to walk over puppies in golf shoes to get it. I don’t foresee that being necessary, but I did buy golf shoes just in case.” — K. Bryant

LeCrabAlready Failed:

“Believe me, by the end of the year, kids on playgrounds everywhere are going to be trying to perfect the ‘crab dribble.’ And for the love of God, I hope I don’t do anything that would allow DeShawn Stevenson to keep talking.” — L. James

“Whatever happens, I just want my dignity to remain intact.” — S. Marbury

“People can call our system inconsistent all they want, it’s not like we can beat the League’s best team and then lose to its worst in the span of a week. — M. D’Antoni, D. Nelson

“I’m going to make everyone forget about James Posey.” — T. Allen

“I don’t know what the resolution was, but it’s probably safe to say I didn’t quite keep it.” — C. Barkley


“LeCrab” Photoshop by Nas.

  • Add a Comment
  • Share
  • RSS

Tags: , , ,

  • Ken

    Marbury’s failed resolution had me laughing out loud.

  • Pingback: SLAM ONLINE |

  • http://www.mybleedingfingertips.blogspot.com/ Myles Brown

    Well played, sir.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    Lebron looks good as a crab.

  • Benoit Benjamin

    I like Deshawn. He’s an innocent child in man’s world. He doesn’t stand a chance but he’s refreshing.

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com Eboy

    “People can call our system inconsistent all they want, it’s not like we can beat the League’s best team and then lose to its worst in the span of a week”

    Love that one.

  • FLUD

    Crab people Crab people….. Ha ha ha ha ha ha… Duncan’s has been the same for years!

  • http://www.shawn-kemps-offspring.blogspot.com/ TADOne

    Loved the Kobe one.

  • http://allday-fadeaway.blogspot.com Nbk


  • PH

    That’s my LeBron-Zoidberg photoshop I did on another messageboard LOL.

  • bingo

    “I’m going to buy socks in bulk so I don’t realize I need new socks when I’m out shopping for khakis in a men’s store and end up paying $15 a pair. That is unacceptable.” – too legit to quit, yall. that is STRONG.

  • http://www.kicksonfire.com Anton

    hahahahaha that was hilarious.
    best SLAM post in a long while.

  • http://coco-vents.blogspot.com Co Co


  • http://www.ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com Allenp

    Great post.
    The Kobe one was awesome because you know he still wants to think of a good comeback to the greatest basketball diss of all time.

  • Krishan

    That lebron pic is pure LOL

  • Krishan

    Tell me how steve nash taste!!! Ahahahaha

  • http://www.alloutblitz.com Cordeazy

    Amazing!!!! almost unsafe for work its so funny

  • http://theghostofroyhobbs.blogspot.com Mo Charlo

    Charles’ is clutch. Who knows what his resolution could have been, because he threw all self-betterment out the window.

  • http://www.alllooksame.com Tarzan Cooper

    lebrons next slam cover should be on the beach with buckets of crabs

  • http://www.ojhoops.blogspot.com the baconator

    I laughed so hard at the Anthony Randolph one. I always thought he looked a little strange, just couldn’t figure out what it was until you mentioned it, hahahaha. Good stuff

  • http://www.triplejunearthed.com/dacre Dacre

    “I want to settle, once and for all, the ultimate barroom debate and prove that I am better than Brian Scalabrine.” — M. Bonner
    Bonner needs to say more at press conferences, he’d get close…

  • http://where-basketball-b-longs.blogspot.com/ B. Long

    This was awesome.

  • http://www.triplejunearthed.com/dacre Dacre

    Hey B. Long….who you think is going to win ‘it all this year’..?

  • chintao

    Marbury’s resolution actually should be attributed to the Knicks organization.

  • chintao

    By the vocabulary in Kobe’s resolution, I can see that he has made good on his promise to learn how to use a thesaurus.

  • T Money

    John Krolik is my new idol.

  • http://morekrolik.blogspot.com John Krolik

    And you are mine, T Money. And you are mine.

  • Tuomas

    Clap, clap. I’d look at DeShawn’s myspace page, but I’m too afraid of what I might see.

  • a_whiteman

    Monta is healthy and parading around for 20 mins a game as devin harris lol

  • thesubwayconnection

    Bwahahahaa. Awesome post.