Excuse me, Hoika, how do you say “blowout” in German?
Pregame
– All the talk today is Oscar talk, for reasons of which I’m not quite sure. Sportswriters always have pet things that everyone talks about before the game that I never know until I’m there. Ninety-seven percent of the time I’m totally and completely lost—it’s usually about a bad concert that ran through the arena previously, a hockey game I don’t care about, or the actual show Lost—but today I’m sort of set. Two non-gay non-Indians have so far screamed at me to see Milk and Slumdog Millionaire. I have seen every Best Picture/Actor/Actress movie but these two. This, and my undying love for Doubt, make me feel slightly homophobic.
– But thank God there’s no homophobia in the NBA community, right!?
– This is the earliest in the day “Crazy Train” has been played to a captive audience since the West Coast Choppers Afternoon Jerky Tasting Expo in Decatur, Ga. three weeks ago.
First quarter
– Boston fans have decided to boo Jason Kidd after every time he touches the ball first possession. Or they may just be booing their collective hangovers. It’s 1:07.
– Josh “The Antitype” Howard drains a contested 3.
– Reason No. 352 why this Mavs team doesn’t work together: Jason Kidd is pushing for a break while: A) Josh Howard is covered in the corner commanding the ball for an iso B) Dirk is wide open, but camped at the elbow and not looking for a patented Kidd-to-Scrubofhischoice alley-oop C) Erick Dampier is still at his team’s own elbow, eating a KFC Famous Bowl and D) No one knows where or who Antoine Wright is, but he looks a lot like the little girl on this here milk carton.
– And this is how the Celtics are built: No matter how badly this team is playing for a stretch, there’s always KG’s half-hook on a strong drive to stave off blowouts. 9-8, Mavs.
– Hey, look! Josh Howard on a Kidd-to-Scrubofhischoice in transition. My Basketball Antichrist has eight. 11-8, Mavs.
– KG lay-in, then he steals the inbounds pass, like every asshole friend in the history of NBA Live who simply does not understand etiquette. Then he misses the second free throw seemingly on purpose and receives the rebound from Rondo to drain a jumper, like the worst, douchiest NBA Live friend in the world, someone who you would demand leave your house for this type of behavior. Five points in less than three seconds for KG. The Celtics lead 20-14.
– Entrez-vous, Jason Terry! Jackez-vous un trois de la “75th row,” Jason Terry! Missez-vous horrible, Jason Terry!
– KG drains a J, AND 1. If he stays on the same clip as the last minute, he’s on pace for 384 . Anything is possible, except for this.
– Another Ray Allen bucket and this is a 12-0 run. 27-14 Celtics.
– Scal for 3 and this sounds like the time they played some f’n Skynyrd at the West Coast Choppers Afternoon Jerky Tasting Expo in Decatur, GA three weeks ago. 31-17 Celtics.
– Dirk, who is 0-7 to this point, backs down Brian Scalabrine like Brian Scalabrine is this, which is a comparison a lot more people should make.
– Also this.
– Rondo jumper. 38-23. I will be napping out the second half here in this press box, not unlike a homeless man on a park bench, or Jay Mariotti in a press box.
Second quarter
– The Celtics are shooting 67 percent from the field.
– Dirk is on the scoreboard from the field, finally, and Jason Terry’s hoop and harm puts the Mavs within 14, which means I have to at least kind of pay attention instead of looking at LOLcats of public figures with Russian dolls.
– Fan behind me: “Doc, we need to call a timeout here.” Fans seem to know exactly when to call timeouts, but never know what to say during said timeout. I feel like that’s something Don Nelson would pull, calling a timeout as requested by a fan and letting that fan coach the timeout. But that would never happen. It’s almost like inviting your best player into your SUV before practice to tell him that he’s “the worst player on the team.”
– On the jumbotron, there’s a Welch’s advertisement of a giant jar of jelly dancing to “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” in front of a green screen of the Celtics’ locker room, then cutting immediately to bewildered toddlers in the arena. This is the type of shit that will scar them for life. These kids are going to grow up and be sexually attracted to pulled pork sandwiches now and their parents will have no idea why.
– Oh wait, there’s a game going on!
– On second thought, maybe there isn’t. Big Baby hoop, plus the foul. 53-31, Cs.
– Scal for 3. 56-31. Jay Mariotti and I will be cuddling soon.
– You know at the YMCA when you’re losing 13-2 in a game to 15 and you start taking the first shot past half-court that’s even remotely open? Welcome to the Dallas Mavericks’ offensive playbook!
– Biggest ovation of the night? Nomar Garciaparra. I didn’t know it was 1998. Hey, can somebody put on Frasier?
– If Rajon Rondo is hitting 22-footers, it’s gonna be a long night. 58-31, Celtics. 13-0 run.
– Back-to-back 3s from Eddie House. 64-33, Celtics. I haven’t seen someone get blown out this badly since that one girl at the West Coast Choppers Afternoon Jerky Tasting Expo in Decatur, Ga. three weeks ago.
– I have no idea what that means.
– KG oop from Ray Allen should seal this game, 66-37. With 2:40 to go. In the second quarter.
– A technical is called on Dallas assistant Dwayne Casey. I didn’t know you could get a technical for yelling “my team sucks and may not make the playoffs” at no one in particular.
– Eddie House for 3 and this is a blowout of epic proportions. 72-41.
– Is it possible that this is Jason Kidd’s worst chance of making the NBA Finals since the turn of the century? While it’s probably not his worst team, per se (last year’s Nets were considerably worse than this Mavs team), he was in an East where he could cruise to a playoff spot and have enough legs to compete for two months. Even if this team makes the Playoffs, they have probably less than a 2 percent chance of making the Finals, right?
Third quarter
– En lieu of third quarter notes (the quarter ended 103-78), some notes from Hoika, a guy sitting next to me in the press box who works for an news agency that’s “kind of like the German AP,” about Dirk:
– Every offseason, dude goes back to Germany and lives in his parent’s childhood house. He will not allow press to take pictures of the house. Gangsta.
– German press learned that he has a girlfriend last year but they still cannot identify her.
– He’s 4-17 from the field. This is a disgrace to de Deutschland and he will be hanged by his feet by fellow countrymen for three days if his shooting percentage is not raised to at least 33 percent at game’s end. (This is a lie.)
– Dirk understands that talking to the press is part of his job and won’t reveal anything personal. The fact that Dirk is not “out there,” Hoika says, is on purpose because he doesn’t care if he’s popular. “He just wants to play basketball and go home.”
– Aw.
– Finally, Dirk won the coveted “Only Foreigner Here” prize at the West Coast Choppers Afternoon Jerky Tasting Expo in Decatur, GA three weeks ago.
Fourth quarter
– Eddie House drains another 3. He’s 7-9 from 3 tonight. House, KG and Mr. Shuttlesworth each have 23. 118-89, Celtics.
– NBA record for threes in a game is 12 shared by Kobe Bean and the considerably better all-around basketball player, Donyell Marshall.
– Oooh! Bill Walker minutes! We shall see a flashy-ass dunk this evening, no?
– The Celtics are still shooting 60 percent from the floor. Still.
– This game is about to end 124-100. Yuck. I almost wish I was at the West Coast Choppers Afternoon Jerky Tasting Expo in Decatur, GA from three weeks ago.
Postgame
– Celtics’ locker room: Paul Pierce is laughing it up with Tommy Heinsohn. Big Baby is taking shirtless, smiley pictures with eight-year-olds (this is not as creepy as it reads). Brian Scalabrine is pitching ideas for a podcast because “it would be awesome.” People are happy. People respect each other. This team wins.
– Mavericks’ locker room: Have you ever been to an abandoned morgue?
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