January 3, 2009 5:08 pm  |  15 Comments

Line Of The Night — Get Rodney Or Die Stuckey

It’s a new yeeeaaarr!

by Shannon Booher

We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year. The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule. David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters. The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo. Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo. Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent. What? 5 bullets. 38 points. Millions of records sold. Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth. Yo, I’m 50 Cent. Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night. They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury. He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting. He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls. Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals. The King probably would tell you differently, though. He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.” TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way. “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.” Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J. Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win. You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall. Vinsanity. Clutch Vinsanity. Clutch Vinsanity Glare. Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 boards, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns. That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart. If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin. Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win. How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation? He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards. First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack. We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack. That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s. Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes. The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary? Almost. The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets? Looks like it. Come on. Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trail Blazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this? And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance. Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge. The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third. Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court. And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse? Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets. It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip! Love it. Detroiters probably do too, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here. But can we get a C’s mention? The Jayhawks? Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hairlooks…