L.O.N. — Apocalyptic Ether
by Shannon Booher
After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins. Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is. Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:
Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals
David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests. This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the second best record in the West. No. 3 by mere percentage points? Spid-durs. Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.
Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:
#10. Really? #10? We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy. REAALLY?!? A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher? REAAAAALLLY?!? A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher? REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!? The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher? Really?!? Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.
Near Beast Of The Night:
Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block
Sorry, Marcus. Honestly. [whispering] Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.
Tribute Track Of The Night:
If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“. Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep. To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious. Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is–even if it was Oscar-worthy–there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists. So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it. Because it WILL be defended. Word to Ron Artest.
Rookie Of The Night:
Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards
Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points. How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games? Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.
Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:
Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block
Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring. It’s his new signature. Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger. If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.
Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:
McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee
Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments,” you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.
A Tribe/Jordan collabo? That’s the definition of L.O.N. Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers: ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived DMiles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in. But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the Cs. Big win, right? But the real reason for the smile? FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai? QUICK! NOW!!!! SAY IT!!! PICK ONE NOW!!! DO IT!!! HURRY! NOW! IMMEDIATELY!!!