All Shaq-isms, all the time!
by Bethlehem Shoals
Shaq never stopped talking—we just stopped listening. Seriously, who wants to hear some old dude prattle on about how much everyone looks up to him, and what a leader he can be, when his game’s in serious decline. As Goliath, Shaq always found a way to make us love him. But nobody loves Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, or the water buffalo that gets hacked to pieces at that film’s riveting, and totally nonsensical, conclusion.
Lucky for O’Neal, this season saw him produce consistently, earn a spot in the All-Star Game (and share the MVP with former nemesis Kobe), and since Amare and Nash went down, carry the Suns. Now we’re all listening, and boy does he know it. Today, a special all-Shaq edition of Quotemonger, with special attention to the evil Stan Van Gundy.
Before the big showdown with Howard:
“I’m too old to try and outscore an 18-year-old.”
Translation: But when I outscore a fellow All-Star in his mid-20s, expect me to question his masculinity. And then, watch me go to town on some Spanish fool, put up no other numbers of note, and have you all believing I’m back, despite the kind of line that makes people wonder if Kobe’s overrated.
Why he’s the real Man of Steel:
“What do you THINK that ‘S’ stands for? I got four [championships]. Your man has none.”
Translation: As in, multiple rings. I’ll spot him one just so down the road, my point still stands. He is pretty good.
Shaq, on the now-infamous flop:
“He (Howard) came with the same old, stale Patrick Ewing move so I tried to stand there and take the charge.”
Translation: If you need a Hall of Famer around to teach you how to be one yourself, you aren’t a Hall of Famer. You’re a copy of a Hall of Famer. And if that Hall of Famer never won sh*t, he doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame anyway, which makes you a copy of a fake Hall of Famer. So when that much bullsh*t comes flying at me, I’m not about to put my hygeine at risk. I’m taking a seat and thinking about the good things in life. That’s not flopping, that’s self-respect. I can feel it. I’m the world’s greatest.
Some general indignation about SVG’s comments:
“I’m not going to sit around and let nobodies take a shot at me and he is a nobody to me. And if he thinks he can get in a little press conference and take shots at me like I’m not going to (say) something back, he’s got another thing coming.”
Translation: Because there’s no way I’m not having a press conference twice as long, with ten times as many money lines, that escalates this into something between a feud and a chance to show I can still lead SportsCenter just by opening my mouth.
A near-poetic explanation of what’s wrong with SVG:
“Stan Van Gundy reminds me of a broke navigational system. He knows everything about everything but ain’t never been nowhere. Think about that. If I’m right here and I type in the address of where you’re going, I know where it’s at but I’m not going there.”
Translation: I mean, it’s crazy. Who ever heard of a GPS that doesn’t have wheels, an engine, and the means to get you from Point A to Point B without some other piece of technology attached? It’s nuts, I tell you. A coach that just knows how to go deep in the playoffs, but can’t get there himself? It’s like I always say: with me on that Heat team, Van Gundy had no excuse not making the Finals in ’05, even if I was on the bench with injury. He’s like an iPhone. An iPhone stuck in some fat chick’s pocket with a bunch of Taylor Swift on it.
A man’s got to have a code:
“The one thing I despise is a frontrunner. First of all, none of his players like him. When it gets tough, he will become the master of panic like he did before and he will quit like he did before. The one thing I despise is frontrunners.”
Translation: Most important thing is that his players don’t like him. Then, when a meddling, opportunistic GM forces him out and takes the job himself, and the team wins the title they could’ve had the year before if they’d been healthy, us guys will buy the “he up and left” story concocted so the GM won’t look like a frontrunner. Even if was only lured back to the bench by an unexpected superstar, a lopsided trade, and proof that this team could go all the way. We all loved Riles, because we knew he was down for us. Because he’s real and own a yacht.
O’Neal sees the future of the Magic, cause he’s seen it before:
“We’ll see how far they go cuz I know Stan. I said this a long time ago but I was ac
tually talking about him: ‘When the general panics, the troops will panic. Like in business, when the head panics and takes out all his stock, what happens?”
Translation: That’s called a rhetorical question, a**holes, because I didn’t even tell you if he’d told the public first about what went wrong or whatever report came out. If he didn’t, that’s called insider trading, and if you get caught, they’ll throw you in jail and your name’s ruined, just murdered, unless you’re Martha Stewart or some sh*t. That sounds like something Van Gundy would do. He’s that kind of snake, who thinks he’s slick but really stinks like rotting flesh and oil and probably has a dead mouse digesting inside of him. Everyone can smell and see and hear him coming a mile away, and that’s why he’s always the last to find out he’s f*cked. That’s why Stan wouldn’t even be on some insider trading sh*t. He’s too busy running for cover to push the button.
On his relationship with Wade:
“We’re going to be cool. I’ve been a fan of his, and he’s been a fan of mine.”
Translation: It’s complicated.
Comparing Wade and Kobe now:
“This league is sort of like NASCAR and sort of like golf, there’s a lot of top name players that on any night can be labeled top three—him, Kobe and LeBron. And if he’s playing well, hitting his jumper and going to the hole, he could be labeled as the best.”
Translation: I’ve got major beef with Tiger over some crystal nachos he owes me, and as far as I see it, NASCAR’s up for grabs ’til I shock the world by starting a second career in that field.
Does he ever pay attention to the skeptics?
“No, I never really worry about what earthlings say. I know what I have to do.”
Translation: I’m going to Mars to live like a god in exile. Let’s see Dwight Howard top that.
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