The one where Dirk forgot he had housing for teeth in his elbow.
by Ben Collins
Pregame:
- The following is an actual transcript of what happened in the Celtics’ locker room before gametime, presented without comment:
(Ray Allen is saying something about the All-Star game to a group of ten or so reporters when Glen Davis enters the locker room.)
Glen Davis: (Very loud primal scream.)
Ray Allen: You know you’re on tape, right?
Glen Davis: (Very loud primal scream.)
Ray Allen: (Laughing.)
Glen Davis: I don’t care, I’m a viking! Ever seen 3000? Or is it 300? I’m like that. “Tonight we dine in Hell.” Except this isn’t Hell. This will be my last meal.
Glen Davis: (Very loud primal scream.)
Yep, this actually happened. Five minutes later, he started barking as he left the locker room. I’m not sure he’s 100 percent clear on what a viking is.
- Your Golden Globe for Best Bastardization of a Major American Holiday: The sermon today, posted in the Celtics locker room, is called “Honoring Martin Luther King Jr.: Facing the Dream Slayers.” That’s right–comparing anti-civil rights activists to, uh, the other team. Well done! Here’s your Golden Globe. Could’ve sworn that was gonna go to Avatar, somehow.
- I totally forgot Kevin McHale wasn’t a GM when I saw him walking around with the TNT people pregame. I wonder if he’s here to pick up his ring for his demonstrative effort to get the Celtics a championship in 2008.
- I just ate dinner with Carl Beane, the Red Sox in-park announcer. Everything he says is authoritative. I think this was the first time anyone has ever said, “I put the parmesan cheese on the side, just in case you don’t like it,” and the person on the receiving end of said cheese openly wept as a form of submission.
- Just saw Mike Conley get stripped on our fancy tiny monitor next to us. This must be the first time in the history of America, as he’s more proficient dribbling two balls than I am with one ball and some serious video editing software. I mean, there must be some reason he’s still playing 30 minutes a game, right?
- The surprisingly great speaker Bill Walker gives a few words to the crowd about Martin Luther King. Didn’t end with, “Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!” Actually ended with, “Uh, yeah, um, that’s it, I guess.” But a solid effort.
- Update on the Rasheed Wallace Watch, which tracks the new lows and level of humiliation Rasheed will put himself through instead of just getting in shape like everyone else in the NBA, courtesy of Doc Rivers’ pregame comments: “With Sheed, I’ve gotta watch his feet and his lungs. He really hasn’t played in a while. He practiced a little with us yesterday, but he hasn’t really even been on the court.” Are we at Code Red yet? The one where he tries to actually become a potato chip?
- More from Doc, on Starbury: “We didn’t think he was done. We were hoping he’d get another shot. Of course, the webcast didn’t help his cause. But he’ll be good over there (in China). He’s a businessman, right?” More: “(We were) not really close to having him come back. It was something we looked at at the start of the summer.”
- My favorite stat going into this game is courtesy of Mike Fisher at dallasbasketball.com: “Since #Mavs 19-7 start, theyre 7-7 since. Mavs are now closer to the 11th seed (4.5 games up) than they are the 1st seed (5.0 games back).” And, remember, the Mavs are the 2-seed in the West right now.
1st Quarter:
-Rasheed backrims a dunk to start the game. I can already hear him panting. I’m 40 feet from the floor.
- Mavs have Josh Howard covering Sheed on purpose. You’d figure he’d go right to backing him down, but the only thing Sheed is backing down lately are boxes of ho-hos.
- Pierce is two-of-two on a layup and a floater.
- Ray Allen transition three. Rick Carlisle must break, for he may vomit. 9-2 C’s, and a timeout.
- Proof that Rondo is an All-Star this year, even if his stats make him look like a roided up Goran Dragic: Dirk has Rondo on a post at the elbow, Dirk starts backing him down and Rondo knows he’s cross over to his left hand. Dirk crosses over and Rondo knocks it off Dirk’s leg out of bounds. Team turnover, folks. Rondo gets no credit for this.
Where are you when we need you, sweet lover Basketball Prospectus?
- Proof #2: Rondo then tries to climb Josh Howard’s back without his consent. But J-Ho says, “No means no! Second base comes on the second date,” steps out of the way, refuses to go out to dinner with Rajon again, and the little fella falls to the floor directly on his hip. But he doesn’t exit the game.
- Mavs climb back from a 11-2 deficit to make it 15-14 from back-to-back Jason Kidd threes. Want to know why Kidd can last in the league until he’s 40 if he wants to? He’s secretly become a 40-percent spot up three-point shooter. From anywhere. None of that Bruce “I’m only comfortable when I’m in the corner; this is something my therapist thinks needs serious attention and probably relates to one of my uncles” Bowen business.
- Perk has become a reliable post force on offense.
- Kidd does a David Robinsonian spin move in the post over Rondo and scores a quick two. Jason Kidd leads the Mavs with 8.
- This is probably a bad thing.
- Rondo darts a quick pass to Pierce for a dunk. Just a step below playoff noisy here tonight. 21-18, Celtics.
- Northeastern brethren J.J. Barea enters and several politely clap, pretending they went to a Northeastern basketball game while he was there, which they didn’t.
- Just a filthy spin move and layup by Pierce to give the Celtics a five-point lead to end the quarter. 25-20, and we have — as the olds say — a doozy.
Between quarters:
- Promo from the jumbotron: “Don’t forget to rub the lucky shamrock statue on the way out to the concourse!” Followed by: “Because you really needed to get three STDs in less than a second.”
- That disclaimer may or may not have been said.
2nd Quarter:
- This must be said, even though he already has nine points after making a free throw: I’ve never seen anything effect Dirk more than the time he played orthodontist with Carl Landry late last month. Mind you, this is a person who had a 67-win team lose in the first round of the playoffs, a championship outright stolen from him by Danny Crawford and a couple of other thieves who proved Tim Donaghy right, and a girlfriend so divorced from reality, so bats–t crazy that she made Doug Christie’s wife look like Alyson Hannigan. Now, when he drives to the basket, he looks like he’s compensating for the teeth he is going to make part of his body soon. Basically, Dirk is now always pregnant with teeth. Would you want to harm your toothbaby every time you drove to the basket?
No. The answer is no. So he’s always anticipating impact instead of trying to finish after the foul. That loss against Toronto on Sunday was the first time he shot better than 50 percent from the field since he got toothelbow on New Years Eve. He was on an MVP pace. Now he’s like Andrea Bargnani with more responsibility.
- Eddie House’s back-to-back threes forces a Dallas timeout. 31-26, Celtics. Dude is secretly the best player on that bench this year. He’s their backup point guard and the only guy who can provide a spark off the pine.
- Brian Scalabrine just picked up a foul for–from what I can tell by the ref’s hand motions–looking like a plate of pasta.
- Drew Gooden just hit a jumper with the back of his toe on the free throw line. He’s apparently capable of doing that. 31-28.
- Big Baby just sat on Dirk to no call. Carlisle picks up the technical for saying that sentence I just said, but with seven more swears in it.
- Jesus Shuttlesworth hits the tech free throw. Rasheed hits his second shot of the game, plus the foul. It’s a 38-30 Celtics’ lead all of a sudden.
- But, hey! An immediate makeup call for Drew Gooden, who pretended to be shooting a floater to draw contact. NBA Referees: The only people alive who can get exponentially worse over a ten year span, manipulate a rulebook on the fly over the course of several years to make it so that an average fan knows most of the referees (the referees!) by name, and — as one ref says — it was so easy to determine the value of their biases that he could turn that into millions of dollars by gambling — and then, somehow, they demand to go on strike. And the league buckled. The NBA: Where amazing happens!
- Immediate called play for Ray Allen out of the timeout nets the C’s a free three. 42-34, C’s.
- Perfect up and under pass from Rondo to Perkins. He’s so good it hurts my feelings sometimes. 44-34.
- Another one from Rondo. He makes the ball look like a yo-yo sometimes. Honestly. 48-38 on an Allen layup.
- It’s so loud in here I literally could not hear the whistle.
- A “you suck” chant from the Boston faithful. Really. That’s the best they could think of. It wasn’t even directed towards anybody. And these people might decide our healthcare policy when they vote for a 60th senator tomorrow.
Hooray.
- Dirk looking like a guard on a spinning layup to end the half. 50-41, C’s.
3rd Quarter:
- Pierce hits a 32-footer at the shotclock buzzer to start the half. 53-41. Everything is dropping for him now.
- We’re going to condense this following portion of the program so people can continue to devalue and underestimate Erick Dampier, who is quietly having dominant quarters every once and a while: Kidd with a feed to Damp, who scores plus the foul. A Dampier jumpshot (!) from the free throw line. Another lay-in on a slowed-down break. Seven points in the first 5:10 of the quarter. Nine in the quarter overall as the Mavs mount a comeback.
But, it’s cool, you can keep calling him Ericka.
- Scal, for the second time tonight, has to coax Rasheed off the court and away from a referee. This looks like the fifteen-minute mark of any episode of The Jersey Shore.
- Dirk hits a fadeaway and it’s a 63-60 Celtics lead all of a sudden.
- Called play for Dirk at the elbow. 65-65.
- Called play for Dirk in the post, over Glen Davis. 68-67, Celtics.
- Called play for Dirk at the elbow. 69-68, Mavs.
- Called play for Dirk at the elbow. You are getting verrrryyyyy sleeeeepppyyyy. 71-68.
- A Marion lay-in and an old-fashioned, MJ-on-a-shoe style slam from his Sun-days. 75-68.
4th Quarter:
- Dirk starts the half at the line. Then two more jumpshots on back-to-back trips. Then a rotation kick from Dirk-to-Kidd-to-Marion for a floater, a hockey assist. Then another jumper. Then a guy yelling, “Somebody’s gotta guard Dirk Nowitzki.” Then a look at his box score: 13-of-19 for 34 points, 5 rebounds, 2 assists.
Slump over? Slump over.
- Sheed is back in to cover Dirk.
- Doesn’t matter. Terry to Dirk for three. 86-75.
- Terry for three. 89-75. 24-7 run. Dallas is shooting 62 percent. There’s 8:31 left and welcome to the exits, Boston fans. Timeout.
- Jason Terry, who was disgusting in the first half, is doing his best Jose Offerman impression right now. He’s hitting everything! (Leno Joke Catalogue, Reference #44323.) 93-75.
- The crowd is sticking around for a run.
- Wait, Sheed just missed a free throw and they’re still here, booing. Maybe they’re sticking around for all the fun rioting.
- Ray Allen 3 puts this the C’s chances back into Somewhat Perceivable territory, a long way from the Stephon Marbury Has a Better Chance of Recording More Assists Than Anyone in the History of Chinese Basketball Than This Game Does of Staying Close territory. 4:58 left, C’s down 11.
- The crowd desperately wanted to explode after a pair of Eddie House threes but he missed both.
- Rasheed J. Down by 11, the Celtics might have a…
- Nevermind Dirk dagger. We are nearing a Matt Carroll sighting.
- 99-90, final. The Mavs shot 57 percent from the floor and 57 percent from 3, too.
Postgame:
- Coach Carlisle: “We just wanted to hang around and force some turnovers. The D keyed everything. It got us out in transition, opened us up for good looks. We stayed patient and knew the shots would start falling.”
- Dirk, on the formula for winning. “That’s the kind of game we want to play. Getting Josh (Howard) on the slice-and-drive. Getting Marion on the move. Getting Jet (Terry) jumpers.”
Oh, and that deep gash in your elbow that we can all see–is that part of the formula? Or did you fix that part tonight?
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