Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010 at 8:00 am  |  11 responses

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SLAMonline Mock Draft: Larry Sanders, No. 30

Straight from the experts.

by Ben Collins

Well, this is it. The mock draft ends here. And, as we all know, there is no such thing as a successful second round pick. So whichever player the Wizards select at 30 is almost incalculably important.

That’s why I’ve decided to pose as Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld and solicit advice on an anonymous chat service in order to make my selection. From this advice, I can say…

With the 30th in the 2010 SLAMonline Mock Draft, the Washington Wizards select…

Larry Sanders from Virginia Commonwealth University.

Really. This is what I did. The following conversation took place on Omegle.Com Monday night and is entirely real and unedited:

____________________

You: Hi.

You: Okay.

You: So. Do you watch basketball?

Stranger: ?

Stranger: sort of

Stranger: sup

You: Here’s the deal: I have to pick the 30th player in the NBA Draft the day after tomorrow.

You: Special arrangement. All me.

You: I’m deciding between three players. Whose name do you think is most marketable? We’re talking name alone, here. None of that “talent” bulls–t.

You: Okay, I’m going to feed you some names. You’re going to eat them and tell me which one you feel like I can put on some god damn posters. You ready?

Stranger: k

You: 1) Jarvis Varnado

You: 2) Tiny Gallon

You: 3) Larry Sanders

Stranger: jarvis

You: Really?

You: Really?

Stranger: ya..spanish players are pretty good now

Stranger: i dunno

You: I gave you three names, one of which is TINY GALLON, a descriptor of a finite measurement, and you chose a guy named Jarvis Varnado on name alone?

Stranger: oh

Stranger: i c

You: No no, humor me with your actual basketball knowledge. I want to hear it. I was going for the “asses in seats” angle, but I’ll listen to this basketball talk.

Stranger: i dont know any ncaa basketball at all

Stranger: are you a coach or sumthing?

You: Something like that.

Stranger: i stopped watching basket ball like since batier played in duke

You: Did Shane Battier get you into books or something?

You: What if I told you that Jarvis wasn’t from Spain or Mexico or Spanishland, but Tennessee, where Spanish is only spoken at La Taco Bell?

Stranger: it reminds me of that guy from cavaliers that played for florida…jarvis that is

Stranger: name wise

You: Jarvis Williams? He died last month.

You: Oh, but you’re talking about basketball players. Right.

You: Whoops. I forget which industry I work in sometimes. They call it a Wizard Memory around here. Didn’t think I was afflicted until the other day when I wound up in my car with 14 firearms and I was taunting elderly ladies in a Costco parking lot.

Stranger: ncaa is to weird…to much hype…its not a very good profesional format..

Stranger: versus independent clubs,youth development programs, olypic development ets ets

You: So you watch a lot of AAU basketball?

Stranger: is that a pro league ? but no

Stranger: i watch a lot of soccer

You: It’s a “youth development program.”

Stranger: oh

Stranger: aau

Stranger: hmm

Stranger: never heard of it

You: It’s okay. It’s only the premier one. No need to know it if you love THE BEAUTIFUL GAME, amIrightamIright?

Stranger: do they get paid to play?

You: Only OJ Mayo.

Stranger: ah

You: But he gets paid a lot.

Stranger: ha

You: So we’ve narrowed down Jarvis from the name list.

You: Now I’m going to give you a group of attributes, all right? I’m going to describe each player, but I’m not going to name them or anything. You tell me which one you like, okay?

Stranger: gonzaga is cool..they came from no where…ya tiny reminds me of mugsy bogus or sumthing that 5-5 player

You: Muggsy Bogues is a liar and a thief. He stole my girlfriend once. Right out from underneath me.

You: Are we clear on the rules?

Stranger: Shoot

You: 1) This guy had a huge end of his senior season. He put up big numbers on a great shooting percentage (almost 60 percent). He runs the floor very well and patrols the paint like he hates the basketball. He broke the NCAA career blocks record. Some think that, if you put him in the right situation, he’ll be a Dwight Howard-type. At worst, he’ll probably be like a Bo Outlaw. Since you haven’t watched the NBA in a few years, I guess you could say he’d be a lot like Christian Laettner, except not even remotely like that at all.

You: 2) This guy is projected to go as high as 14th. Getting him at 30, I think, would be a real steal. He measured out very well at 6-10 1/2, so he should be able to play center at the NBA level. He can face up and hit a jumpshot. He has wonderful upside. And this sentence — this one right here — is another small sentence that I’ll say on Thursday night to convince the press why I’m drafted him. But here’s why I love Desperado Numero Dos: They think this guy could be like Kenyon Martin when he used to run with J-Kidd. And is there anything better than that? Listen to what they’re talking about in this video. Dude was a beast when he had Eric Maynor with him at VCU. Imagine this guy catching lobs from John Wall. He also has the potential to be a very good weakside defender, like Chris Andersen but with hands for hands instead of a very hot charcoal rods for hands. He has small problems. He looks a step slow for a fast-break 4. I’m not sure he has post moves. He’s got a lot to learn in order to play NBA-quality man defense. But he hosted a wonderful mock talk show on HBO in the mid-90s, and this makes up for all of that.

You: 3) This guy’s name is TINY F—ING GALLON. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU’RE NOT PICKING THIS MAN.

You: So. Go ahead. 1, 2, or 3?

Stranger: ok man ok man tiny!

You: Phew, I’m so glad you came around on me there.

Stranger: oklahoma

You: Seriously, though. I’m picking #2, Larry Sanders. He had a show on HBO. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get one of those?

Stranger: ya…bill maher

You: S–t, just read his Wiki. Not the same Larry Sanders. Do you think Tiny’s still available? Can we still pick Tiny?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.