by Ben Collins

7:05: Well, hey everybody. We’re here now, in this press room, and some guy is practicing—no joke—his tuba; long, droning, slidey scales all the way at the bottom of the register. It’s like the last few seconds of the sad tuba, but for ever and ever and ever.

And this is where most sportswriters would say, “It was indicative of LeBron James’ offseason,” and then he’d rant and rant just to make you angrier and angrier at someone far away who you will never know and, probably, no one will ever really know at this point because we’ve pushed him away.

But, know what? I just saw that guy in the locker room. He looks pretty good. He’s focused. Has Beats headphones on. Watching tape of Rondo sagging off defenders to help on ISOs. (Looks like they’re going to attack that tonight, by the way.) He looks rested, happy.

He lives on Miami beach. He’s on a team with a couple of very good friends. Other than all of the baseless racism thrown his way on Twitter the past couple of weeks, I’m sure this guy who is the best in the world at something had a perfectly fine summer.

Don’t worry, I’m still going to be making fun of him tonight.

So I’m going to go watch Ray Allen shoot jumpshots until then. Tonight is going to be a lot of fun.

7:30: Nevermind. The hate for LeBron here is so staggering and so sincere, I’m not sure I care if it’s just or not. I’ve never heard a guy get booed for leaving someplace else in my life.

7:32 The love for Shaq is just as strong. Crazy loud here tonight. Louder than a couple of those playoff games. No joke.

NOTE: We were having some serious Internet problems in the first quarter. By that I mean we didn’t have it. We have it now. We’re moving on. We’re sorry we cheated on you, baby. It was just that one time.

FIRST QUARTER:

2-0: LeBron drops in the first points of the Heat’s 2010-2011 season. He hits a fadeaway J on a broken play.

2-0: Hey, that rhymed! Guess we’re writing poems about LeBron now.

Roses are red /
Violets are blue /
Boy these people /
Really seem to f—ing hate this guy.

2-2: Rondo evens it up with a pint-sized-MJ up-and-under. Purrrdy.

4-2: LeBron two. Yup. That’s gonna happen.

4-4: Rondo-to-Shaq oop. Shaq might go down as the most influential, universally well-liked Bostonian since John Adams.

Hopefully Shaq will also be played by Paul Giamatti.

8-6: A streaking Shaq scores on a fastbreak two.

Wait, in a year where he’s been a statue and he will be in drag, we need to clarify: He wasn’t actually streaking.

11-6: Ray Allen for two. Heat timeout.

First blatant pro-Heat call, taking away a surefire steal to call… um… what have they fabricated this time? Oh. Defensive three-seconds. Creative.

14-9: Right, LeBron is out there with the Big 4: James Jones, Udonis Haslem, Eddie House and Joel Anthony. They are a-strugglin’ on offense.

14-9: Nine points for the Heat in that quarter. If you combine LeBron, Wade and Bosh’s salaries for this season, that’s about $4.6 million for every point scored this quarter.

Best collection of talent ever!

SECOND QUARTER:

19-9: Massive travel by D-Wade. Called, at last, after all these years. Heat complain. Get T’d up. The NBA: It’s polite!

19-11: Udonis Haslem layup. Look, ma, double-digits!

25-13: Marquis Daniels lay-in. The Heat are shooting 23 percent from the floor. These fans are really lamenting the loss of a dynasty.

Also, they’re playing an uncensored version of “Jump Around” by mistake. What a wonderful world.

31-15: LeBron gets away with a bump while defending a Nate Robinson breakaway layup for no real reason. Immediate karma. He throws an outlet pass to, well, I’m not sure who, but it wound up in KG’s hands. He tossed it back to Nate for a free dunk.

31-20: Pretty Wade steal and bucket. Followed by a Heat stop and a Chris Bosh lay-in. Doc takes a quick timeout. The Heat look like they’re figuring out how to play together.

38-20 KG misses a dunk. Rondo rebounds and flips it out to Allen for three. It’s just that kind of night so far. Chris Bosh looks like he’s shooting on one of those pop-a-shot nets that move back and forth and sometimes say nasty things about your mother. The Big 3 are 5-of-23, look completely out of sync, and will not drive to the basket.

39-22: Shaq gets great position in the post and Rondo nicely delivers a lob. He gets to the line. Dude looks like 30. Really. Is it just that Shaq hasn’t been with a decent point guard in a half-court offense since he’s been on the Heat? Or is he just Benjamin Buttoning us all?

The Heat have to counter with Z just to stop him.

41-28: There’s 52 seconds left and Doc just called a 20-second timeout after a LeBron throw-down on the break. He’s trying to murder any semblance of momentum whatsoever from this Heat team.

45-30: Welp, there we are. 45-30 after a half of basketball. I’d call this Heat team as disjointed as the Lohan family, but that would be a severe disrespect to that lovely band of coked-up misfits on VH1.

That said, I can’t believe the Celtics didn’t open this game wide open already. The Heat still have a chance, if they are able to spend halftime inserting at least one play other than an ISO into their offensive playbook.

THIRD QUARTER:

- Can someone please tell me what Chuck said at halftime?

50-34: Ray for three. He’s secretly 5-of-9 and 3-of-6 from three. Don’t tell the Heat, though. They’re not in on it.

51-34: If LeBron really wants people to stop hating him, complaining about lane violations is probably not on that memo his Nike rep gave him this morning.

53-35: Shaq is shooting his sixth free throw of the game. He’s hit half of them. If the Heat had any inkling of an offensive strategy, they’d be right in this. Alas, they’re shooting 29 percent.

55-40: What if this Rondo-to-Shaq pairing is the Montana-to-Rice of the NBA and we’re only finding out now. Is that possible? Is this how love works? I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.

55-40: This game better get closer or this caffeine is going to manifest itself badly.

55-41: Z gets a board and a free throw.

This team literally does not have any plays. Did Erik Spoelstra really wake up this morning and go, “S–t! Entirely forgot to draw up plays!” and he just feverishly started scrawling stuff on a easel for his players to half-look at before the game? Kind of like a teacher that keeps forgetting to assign homework, the players just went along with it all summer, all looking at each other with the implicit understanding that they wouldn’t talk about it, as to not remind their tiny-brained teacher what exactly is required of a teacher.

55-45: One of those unbelievable superstar calls for LeBron there, as he gets tangled up and heads to the line. Hey, it’s a ten point game!

58-45: Not anymore. Immediate Ray Allen answer three. This guy’s a killer tonight.

62-50: Ruh-ro. Back-to-back baskets for LeBron, who is just waving off all of his teammates at this point. I guess he can do that when Wade and Bosh aren’t on the floor, though, huh?

Then again, if he’s most comfortable surrounded by four roleplayers/scrubs, why the hell did he leave Cleveland?

63-57 The Heat have come back. And it’s entirely because LeBron was playing with four players who don’t need the ball. Hm.

Eddie House hit a wide-open three after Rondo sagged way off of him to collapse on a potential LeBron drive. (This was something Erik Spoelstra actually gameplanned! Ease off the big red “Fire” button, Mr. Riley.)

I wonder how long Wade and Bosh will continue to “rest.”

Fourth Quarter:

- Just alerted that Paul Piere is having back spasms. That explains the extensive Marquis Daniels use.

- Hypothetical for Erik Spoelstra: Say they return with LeBron/Wade/Bosh/two scrubs and it fails for three minutes. The 7-minute TV timeout comes.

Do you roll with LeBron and scrubs because it’s working? Or do you lose the game and set the tone, essentially saying Big 3 or Bust?

I know I pick the first one. But I don’t have to get on a plane with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh tonight.

Chris Bosh is back in. Let’s see.

64-57: Paul Pierce is returning anyway. He immediately gets a rebound.

70-64: Rondo has 15 assists after a pass to a dive-cutting Big Baby for a dunk.

73-64: Paul Pierce nails a contested transition three. That looks like it officially killed that quiet, sustained Heat momentum they’ve had since midway through the 3rd.

75-69: LeBron is playing crunch-time point guard with James Jones at the 3. You should probably get used to this. Jones just dropped a 3 after the defense collapsed on a Bosh elbow jumper.

78-69: The Truth again answers with a quick transition three. Look: The Celtics are the better, smarter, more cohesive and more clutch team tonight.

81-70: Pierce goes to the line to shoot three on another quick, elbow-extended jumper. Makes them all.

83-70: The Celtics pick-and-roll defense just ate LeBron and Haslem alive there. KG plays the passing lane and gets a steal. There’s nothing about LeBron James walking up the floor to start the offense that would scare me if I was a Celtics fan right now.

83-72: The Garden starts a crazy noisy “OVERRATED” chant. Nobody can say they’re wrong. This Heat team cannot score and they have no idea who they are. Period. It’s fixable, but it’s going to take a lot of work.

83-72: LeBron, Wade and Bosh have as many turnovers (15) as they do field goals.

83-75: LeBron is just jacking threes now. He’s making some of them. This was pretty pathetic, Erik Spoelstra.

83-78: After a pair of missed KG free throws, Dwyane Wade is now jacking a three. He made that one. It’s a five-point game.

83-80 IT IS A THREE-POINT GAME, EVERYBODY. LeBron drives and floats it off the glass. I didn’t know basketball had a prevent defense. This crowd is completely stunned.

Let’s quote Shoals on this one: “If the Heat somehow manage to win this, it would be worse than if they lost.”

86-80: Nevermind. Game over. Ray Allen hits a contested corner three over LeBron’s outstretched fingers. Apropos, or whatever.

FINAL: 88-80. We’ll record Erik Spoelstra’s incredulous postgame press conference (“You mean I’m supposed to draw up plays? With my hands?”) and post it in a few minutes.

POSTGAME QUOTEBOARD:

Doc: “They’re gonna be good, too.”

- “Baby is gonna our fifth guy a lot because he knows a lot of our stuff. JO and Shaq will get there. We’re gonna milk Baby until they do.”

Gross.

- Regarding Paul’s back spasms. Reporter: “Was that just Paul being Paul?”
Doc: “What are you trying to say, Murph?”

“I don’t know if we would’ve won if (Pierce) didn’t come back.”

- Hey, look! It’s a quote from a future Erik Spoelstra press conference. It was said by Doc tonight: “We always talk about no-hero ball. That was a hero pass.”

- “That was a big game. It was fun. They’re gonna be a lot better.”

Spoelstra: “What I told the team is there’s going to be a process with this. It’s not a reason to panic right now.”

- Bob Ryan: “Where is Dwyane right now (emotionally)?”
Spoelstra: “He’s in the locker room.”

- “Practice has looked much different than this. They’ve looked terrific playing together.”

- “(Wade and LeBron) are underrated off the ball.”

- “Chris (Bosh) was top-five in free throw attempts last year. He does get to the basket.”

Bosh: “We just missed shots. Sometimes they go in. Sometimes they don’t.”

- Grumpy quote: “I don’t have any expectations. I just go in and do my job.”
Team player quote: “I’ve always averaged a lot of points and nobody really cared.”
Take either one as evidence to prove or disprove Diesel in the comments section.

LeBron and Wade (joint presser [!{?}]):

Wade: “As LeBron says, ‘This is my first preseason game.’”

“Sorry if anybody thought we were gonna go 82-0. Just ain’t gonna happen.”

LeBron: “We know Rome wasn’t built in one day.”

“I’m not used to being on the floor with so many weapons. It kind of reminded me of the Team USA practices where Coach K had to get on us for being too unselfish.”

KG and Garnett (joint presser):

Pierce: “I was talking to Ray, saying that I looked up and about six minutes into the third we were in bonus because of how much Shaq got to the line.”

KG: “I said to Paul, walking in here: “Are we in the Finals already?”

He was talking about the amount of press. Maybe he wasn’t, a little.