Saturday, December 25th, 2010 at 9:00 am  |  27 responses

Post Up: Merry Christmas!

Shaq-a-Claus delivers gifts…

by Anton Kudriavtsev/@TheDiesel

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even Jerry Krause.
The banners were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Sternbot soon would be there.

The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of max contracts danced in their heads.
Free agents and those wanting a trade
Begin dreaming of possibilities made.

When out on the court there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to half court they flew like a flash,
Tore open the floor to discover ‘Toine’s old stash.

They opened the box and like angels did sing
Money, some notes, and Artest’s pawned ring.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, is that Bill Laimbeer?

The sled did shake and the players stepped back
They knew in a moment it must be St. Shaq!
More rapid than Rose escaping his SAT’s
He whistled, and shouted, and called them with glee!

“Now Amar’e! Now, Dirk! Now, Durant and Dwight!
On, Bron! On, Kobe! Don’t invite Chris Bosh and we’ll be alright.
To the top of the key! Quick like John Wall!
For we have much presents to deliver to all!”

For Rondo, as smooth as he is with the rock
For his form, I give him a brand new Shotloc.
Give Delonte the right number to dial
For KG, the blood of his enemies in a vial.

To Oden some thick pads for his knees
For Durant a protein shake – lift, brother please!
As Melo receives his double air miles
Tim Duncan opens his present with no smiles.

For Paul Pierce the full series of “Matlock”
For Jennings an upside down frown for when he’s blocked.
Blake Griffin, I deliver a new pogo stick
To mock your opponents, thine dunks be so sick!

For Joakim a new conditioner for the hair
For LeBron a hologram, to pretend a ring’s there.
Forget you Kobe? Never the gall
To you I give the best present of all:
Shock collars for all your teammates, no waste
Don’t pass you the ball? How do 120 volts taste?

We say “Merry Christmas” to one and to all
Except Turkoglu, to whom we simply say “ball”!


In case you’re noggin out on the eggnog, don’t forget about today’s 5 games (all times EST): Bulls/Knicks at noon, Celtics/Magic at 2:30, Lakers/Heat at 5:00, Nuggets/Thunder at 8:00, and Blazers/Warriors at 10:30.

Merry Christmas to everyone in the SLAM family!

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  • Hursty

    That was brilliant. Love it.

  • Hursty

    Oh, and Merry Christmas SLAM FAM! … Even though it’s Boxing Day here, meaning we get to bash the Pom’s in Cricket!

  • KB8toSG8

    AWESOME! Totally made my day. Especially the 120v and the hedo joke lol…..

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    Merry Christmas, cyber fam!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Jahmai

    Very nice post-up!

  • http://www.slamonline.com Jahmai

    Best parts: Tim duncan opens his presents with no smiles. 2) We say “Merry Christmas” to one and to all
    Except Turkoglu, to whom we simply say “ball”!

    That stuff is hilarious

  • don

    this made me smile at work. yes, i’m working on christmas day.(browsing the slam page too).

  • http://Philosophervision@blogspot.com The Philosopher

    Shout out @Anton.
    This dude, man…

  • http://Facebook.com/jray2009 Jray

    Nice work that was awesome

  • http://www.fiba.com Darksaber

    Shiattt, that Kobe verse, geeee-nius.
    Anton for emperor of the galaxy.

  • http://Www.bulls.com Enigmatic

    F*cking Bulls just ruined my Christmas. Looks like Knicks have our number this year. SMH

  • LD

    Look. D-Wade can’t dunk.
    Slam better give him the same teatment they gave Hedo last week.

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    Miami ballin so far

  • http://slamonline.com Allenp

    The east is a beast. And if miami is this good how good is dallas?

  • Mvp23100

    Fakers don’t want nothing from Mia I see merry Christmas

  • http://www.facebook.com/joe.l.brewer3 BlackPhantom

    LA has some pretty big problems,

  • JTaylor21

    CB1 has shown me alot this past few games and proved me wrong. He dominated Gasol all-game long, hit the glass with intensity and played like he’s capable of. If he plays like this all season long and in the playoffs, Mia is going to be very tough to beat.

  • http://www.fiba.com Darksaber

    Can’t wait for the “benefit of a doubters” to start showing up in the next TPU.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joe.l.brewer3 BlackPhantom

    I mean come on, they let Chris Bosh GO OFF, it was pretty disgraceful

  • http://www.slamonline.com Eboy

    Dear Laker Fans, your team got fu&ked hard by Lebron’s yule log. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas. Stay the fu&k quiet now…..your embarrassed yourselves.

  • http://sdfjklfl.com Jukai

    Anton, you really have yet to disappoint. Great stuff, man!
    My Jewish Christmas was spent in the city, watching the Knicks pull away from Chicago in the 4th. I gotta say, Chicago misses Noah. They do.
    And I ended my Jewish Christmas the right way: eating Chinese food.

  • http://juanm.garcia@comcast.net Miami King

    Let’s not get to excited. The Celtics still own us.

  • http://www.twitter.com/TheDiesel Anton

    ^Thanks man, Jew-kai stand up! I got you a Photoshopped picture of Melo in an Knicks jersey. That’s hilarious about the last part, I didn’t believe my Jewish friend on the Christmas customs but Chinese food is apparently essential.

  • http://sdfjklfl.com Jukai

    The holidays ain’t complete unless I’ve had my Christmas Peking duck

  • http://bugmarley.com LeoneL

    Printing this and making it the centerpiece for the shrine I’m building to Anton!

  • http://www.facebook.com/joe.l.brewer3 BlackPhantom

    I kinda expected us to lose, we never really bring our all during Christmas

  • http://www.need4sheed.com Tarzan Cooper

    shotlok for rondo… lift brother please