Which NBA Player Are You: Lang Whitaker Tribute
MVP! MVP! MVP!
by Sam Rubenstein / @samrubenstein
With Lang’s announcement the other day, I feel it is my duty to write about his legacy in my own way. It’s time for Which NBA Player Are You: Lang Whitaker, using all of the players that won MVP trophies during his reign of editor.
Lang Whitaker is Shaquille O’Neal
Fun loving, gregarious, at times stoic at other times playful, twitterholics. Both are simply known by a four-letter name, rarely called by their given names Shaquille or Langd’jillo. Going to games and on road trips with Lang was a lot like being a member of Shaq’s entourage. He seemed to know everyone and everyone knew him. TWISM FAM!
Lang Whitaker is Allen Iverson
Renegades that do it their own way. For many years Lang wrote his Links his way and he wasn’t gonna change for “the man,” just like AI’s game. Both are world travelers, as Lang likes to experience new exotic lands to broaden his horizons while Allen is currently in exile in Turkey.
Lang Whitaker is Tim Duncan
Nerdy, into video games, bookish. Both have been incredibly consistent for years, with Duncan putting up those boringly reliable numbers, and Lang churning out a column a day for years. Until the later years, where he slowed down Links production and Duncan started missing games. Both began their careers with aspirations to be Olympic swimmers.
Lang Whitaker is Kevin Garnett
There was a stretch of years when SLAMonline was Lang and nothing else. A likeable man working hard, keeping people entertained every single day, cultivating something of a fanatical following. This was the KG era in Minnesota. Neither one of them ever bothered to learn the proper spelling of Szczerbiak.
Lang Whitaker is Steve Nash
Soccer fans, the occasional targets of misguided and confused haters. When I first met Lang, he had long hair. Unselfish, good-humored, and as an editor, Lang makes people around him better like Nash makes players on his team better. Of course, Steve Nash has never been to the NBA Finals. As an Atlanta Hawks fan, Lang Whitaker’s team will never reach the NBA Finals either.
Lang Whitaker is Dirk Nowitzki
As far as unique NBA players go, there will never be another German 7-foot tall sharpshooter with a midrange game, post moves, big rebounding numbers yet a perceived softness, and an even softer spot in his heart for a special type of scandal inducing woman. It’s a one-of-a-kind mix. I can only think of one southern good ‘ole Boy who reads the New Yorker obsessively, is passionate about both fast food and snobby high end cuisine, and needs to know every piece of female celebrity gossip.
Lang Whitaker is Kobe Bryant
Oh boy. Well, both are big Harry Potter fans, both have driven Andruw Bynum to Quizno’s. Both are animal lovers, as Lang has his dog Starbury and Kobe presumably has a room full of black mamba snakes.
Lang Whitaker is LeBron James
Both men love Vegas (recall the LeBron scandal generated by our own Arash Markazi who reported that LeBron enjoyed the company of scantily clad females), and both still carry strong ties to their high school basketball careers, which have been turned into books. Much like LeBron, Lang is taking his talents where he wants to take them…
(I chose to end this post with the ellipses because that’s how Lang’s emails always end. It always reads like there’s something more coming…)