Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm  |  36 responses

J-Zone’s NBA Finals Diary

The Magic blew it, I hate the NBA.

derek_fisher_jameer_nelson1

by J-Zone

(Photo caption: Ever wonder what they were discussing when Fisher hit that three? Read to find out, I know these things.)

What a joke. I said Magic in six, and I don’t regret making that prediction. They had every opportunity, and they flat out blew it. Was some of the officiating off? That’s a given, but with that being said, you can’t even blame the refs here, the Magic just stunk.

Inexperience, nerves, the worst coaching job I’ve seen this year from somebody not named Mike Brown and a defensive sequence that looked more like Jameer Nelson nervously attempting to ask Derek Fisher out on a date than contesting a three-pointer. Anybody seen Dwight Howard lately? He mailed it in like a rebate was coming.

I can’t even give you all of the specifics from Game 5, as I was too busy watching the That’s My Mama Mother’s Day marathon that I VHS taped last month after that second quarter self-prostitution by the Magic. So don’t harp on me about some no-call on Kobe in the third quarter when the Magic had already blown a lead and were down by 11 points. The Magic lost fair and square.

GAME 1
Pure nerves. The Lakers had been here, the Magic hadn’t. The home crowd helped and punk a*s Jack Nicholson always is such an intimidating presence to have in the stands. He’s more demonic than Spike Lee ever was in NY; that guy scares me.

Jameer Nelson would be a good added spark, but after a good start he proves late in the game he ain’t ready. Where are Anthony Johnson and Rafer Alston, the two guards that Rafer Alston & Anthony Johnsongot you here while Nelson was in a Brooks Brothers on the sideline?

Howard is forcing the issue, a mile off from Game 6 vs. the Cavs. Ah, all good, it’s only one game. The Magic will redeem themselves in Game 2, right?

GAME 2
Wrong. Man they had this game won. Where’s Rafer “Skip“ Alston? On the bench. Anthony Johnson would’ve gotten more calorie burn at Epcot Center selling hot dogs. What the f*ck is this greasy used Fiat salesman by day and porno director by night lookin’ Stan Van Gundy doing? Can’t coach worth sh*t.

Jameer misses two free throws in a row. I expect that from Marcin Gortat—who had done that moments prior—not a guard who should be no lower than 80 percent from the stripe. Late in the game, Jameer, J.J. Redick and Courtney Lee are on the floor. Rashard and Hedo are ballin’ their a**es off, but it’s all for nothing. Lee has a chance to win it and blows a lay-up. F*ck the supposed no call on a foul, he should’ve made that. I like Lee, but Skip would’ve made that. Nerves. They imploded in OT. Lay-ups and free throws. Kid sh*t. 0-2.

GAME 3
The Magic shoot an NBA Finals best 63 percent from the field. Who’s back in the game? Skip Alston. Surprise? No. I wouldn’t let Van Gundy pump my gas at a full service station, let alone coach my team. Magic avoided a sweep, but I knew they would blow the damn series at this point. Nerves.

GAME 4
Of course the Magic blow a 12-point lead in the second half, what else do you expect? Kobe and Ariza out there playing H-O-R-S-E and nobody has a f*ckin hand up.

Van Gundy aka Colonel Panic pulls Skip. That right there was the difference between Phil Jackson and Van Gundy and the pivotal moment of the series. Everybody knew the Magic were in panic mode with that move.

Jameer Nelson should’ve been nothing more than an energy guy, which in effect was the role Skip wound up playing. Three months in a suit, and you throw Nelson bStan Van Gundy & Rafer Alstonack in for the do or die quarter of a do or die game in the NBA Finals? This Ron Jeremy lookin’ a*s Van Gundy… I swear, Patrick Ewing better be the damn head coach next year. Even go down to Disney World and go get Dumbo, Goofy or Donald Duck or something.

Magic go up at the end, the game is close, Lakers down three, 15 seconds left. Yo Ron Jeremy, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Nelson in the game? Hey D*ckhead, you know the Lakers need a three. Go long so you can guard the three. No.

Nelson is still in the game and guarding Derek Fisher. NEWSFLASH: DEREK FISHER IS 67 YEARS OLD, HE WILL NOT BEAT YOU OFF THE DRIBBLE, IT’S NOT 1998. BUT DEREK FISHER IS THE MODERN DAY ROBERT HORRY, AN OLD MAN WITH BIG GAME EXPERIENCE THAT WILL NO DOUBT BURY YOUR A*S WITH A BIG SHOT.

What does Nelson do, get in his jock right? No, he guards him INSIDE the three-point line and gave him all the space in the world to prevent the drive. At this point, I broke my remote when I threw it at the wall. (It was already messed up anyway, and they only cost $5 at Time Warner Cable offices. It’s a cost of doing business.) This is just nauseating. Let’s imagine that conversation between Nelson and Fisher as he brings the ball up to shoot that three…

Jameer: Yo Derek man, I’ve been thinking… Let’s go on a date man. We can cruise down the 405 and look at the sunset together, talk point guard strategies and share a Jack in the Box milkshake. Strawberry to be exact. How’s that sound?

Derek: Yo shorty I’m tryin’ to win this game, back up off me and give me room. I gotta shoot this three.

Jameer: Aw, Derek, don’t be such a curmudgeon. You’re always thinking win, win, win. What about us? I really think we’d be a perfect match, straight out of eHarmony. Can I at least have a shot?

Derek: The f*ck are you talkin’ about?

Jameer: I want a shot with you man, let’s go on a date.

Derek: OK, OK. I’ll give you a shot if you give me a shot, a jump shot, this three-pointer to be exact.

Jameer: Really?!?!?!

Derek: Really.

Jameer: Awww, OK, I’ll get inside the three-point line and let you shoot it, but you owe me a night on the town.

Derek: Iight, cool.

BANG!!! Three ball. OT, where the Magic failed two games ago. F*ckouttahere with that bullsh*t.

I’m a Jameer Nelson fan, but he wasn’t ready to play those minutes, and Van Gundy should’ve known that had he not been directing porno flicks. There was a no call on a Kobe elbow and on a Redick head fake in this game, but it’s all null and void.

Howard straight choked in the clutch. This is painful to watch. Hedo missed a pair at the line too. The Magic look as scared as the punk a*s Cavs did against them. Pietrus shows a pulse with a 1990-esque flagrant on Gasol, but now its all frustration. The Magic blew this sh*t on their own, don’t give me that sh*t about the refs.

GAME 5
I was watching that episode of That’s My Mama when cousin Albert was selling weed and buying gator shoes with the money and Big Mama caught him. Oh, yeah, right, Game 5. The Magic blew a lead (surprise) in the second quarter behind Ariza out there looking like Jordan for a 16-0 run. After that, I pressed play on the VCR.

OK, the Lakers won, I ate my words. But I still say the Magic were the better team all around. But they’re inexperienced, nervous and were poorly coached in this series. They blew it, and I won’t even bring up the officiating as an excuse. Gave 4 was a prime example. They were given that game and still blew it, fair and square.

I still ain’t givin’ the Lakers any credit, because I’m hardheaded and from New York. But you have to be a fool to think Kobe isn’t the best in the NBA. That LeBron talk is years away, so don’t even start. And amidst all of this, the Kobe-LeBron commercials are still running. That’s ‘Ol Turkey Neck (David Stern) already planning for next year. LeBron shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar during the finals because he‘s on a fishing boat catching trout, I hate this sh*t. Nobody’s f*ckin with Kobe, love him or hate him. Period.

The season ended with one positive… at least we don’t have to hear “So Amazing” anymore, that song was musical diarrhea. Bring on tennis season!

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  • http://nba.com Reflex

    ‘OK, the Lakers won, I ate my words. But I still say the Magic were the better team all around’………….Bill Simmons, is that you?

  • http://nba.com Reflex

    I kid, good read all around, I don’t think Jameer ever did get that date though…

  • Mike H

    SLAMonline, you guys have been doing a great job with all the coverage during these playoffs. As an NBA junkie, I truly appreciate this. Now, on to the article..

  • http://sandoonamoon.blogspot.com/ Superman_Osman

    This is the truth right here. F*ck that Amazing sh*t too. NBA with their overdoing antics just for extra rolls. So sad. Mike Brown should have let Big Z coach for the Eastern Conference Finals. The best year to blow Kobe’s dreams of overcoming the Shaq departure was thrown out the window because of Mo Williams’ big mouth, and all the attention Sterny boy gave to Bron after getting the MVP. I don’t wanna hear anymore Mo Williams garauntees unless their about a skills challenge, get it before you start actin’ up punk. Stan sucks, Jameer sucks, and Lee sucks too.

  • Quail

    if the magic were going to win, it would have been in 5. there’s no way they could win a decision game in LA. technically, theres no way they could beat LA in any kind of series. this is the most complete team i’ve seen in a long time.

  • Kas

    Wow! Is this ‘sposed to be funny? cause it sure as hell isnt. I have no idea who “J-zone” is, but he should be out of work

  • http://www.manutd.com Z

    F*ckouttahere with that revisionist bullsh!t. Orlando wasn’t the better team because the better team was the one that executed in crunch time. Orlando’s shortcomings in the clutch were a direct result of their weaknesses: dwight can’t shoot freethrows, they don’t have someone that can iso for a win leading to pietrus throwing an awkward long j for the win, svg can’t do subs which led to inconsistent minutes for basically everybody not named dwight, hedo or shard. THOSE PROBLEMS ARE SYSTEMIC. you could mulligan the finals and LA would still win the close games. they ain’t ready.

  • http://www.manutd.com Z

    I’ll even go further: they’re not making the eastern conf finals next year. KG will be healthy and Cavs will have the MDE. Dwight can’t score vs Shaq and he can’t score vs. Celts.

  • http://www.crashwallace.com nate the great

    interesting..

  • http://www.another48minutes.blogspot.com Gerard Himself

    Well, parts of this article were somewhat amusing. Other than that, I doubt that when Jzone wrote this, he thought about it for a while, re-read it, and then posted it. He was emotional about Orlando getting a beating, wrote it, put some clever lines in it, and posted it. The whole Jameer-Derek was more unfunny than The Tracy Morgan show back in ’03. I’m not trying to be arrogant here, I mean, what do I know? I love the site and the mag, but that doesn’t mean everything is automatically the greatest piece ever. We, as readers, can be critical sometimes, and this article surely deserves it.

  • JL

    that’s cuz all they taught dwight to do is to dribble right hook shot, push people around on rebounds, stick out his big ass on picks and keep moving it out when people try to get around him, goal tend legitimate shots and call them shot blocks, and stay in the lane for excessive times whether one offense or defense. I couldn’t believe with all the stuff he gets away with. How’s he going to get better if none of that stuff is called and he has to play the game right. Same as Lebron traveling. Call that more often and he’ll change. Man up and stop coddling your stars NBA!

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    J really wrote this for an email list that I’m on…I think it was a pretty funny way to look back on the Finals, but no, he didn’t go through the normal steps you’d go through to get something published on our homepage. If you like it, praise him. If you don’t, blame me.

  • jdubbs29

    Who was that guy who used to do the movie reviews? He was funny. J-Zone, you just ain’t that funny or enlightening. We know SVG looks like Ron Jeremy, you don’t have to remind us every 3 sentences.

  • http://double-technical.blogspot.com Zee!

    J-zone, you were sippin that Hi-n-ergy when you wrote this huh homeboy?

  • http://slamonline.com Ben Osborne

    jdubbs, you’re looking for Omar:
    (http://www.slamonline.com/online/category/blogs/omars-gangster-entertainment/)
    I’m sure he’ll be back at some point during the summer movie season…

  • pb

    well at least he got one thing right: the magic sure as hell – or should i say h*ll? – didn’t deserve to win.

  • shabaz

    Orlando is a good team,however LA was better. If you look in the past and you don’t even have to go that far back, an example the Phoenix suns, shooting teams have never been able to win a championship.

    But unlike the suns Orlando does have a chance, if they feed the ball to Dwight in the post and he puts up Shaq like numbers in his primes. I still don’t get it Howard should have been the leading scorer on that team.

    Stan Van Gundy needs to be fired and orlando needs to get a coach that understand how runs post up game. Clearly that is there best option and best chance to win a championship.

    Till then teams like LA and Boston are the best bets to win it all.

  • that dude

    Yeah my first thought was “this sounds alot like an Omar attempt”, but give the guy a break, he was logical and on point with his criticisms, and its just one piece.

  • Khalid Salaam

    jvg> jzone

  • Robb

    Hey J.

    You sound like a crybaby. And worse, you sound like an amateur crybaby who’s incapable of making a fair analysis. I can picture you, watching bits of the series, drinking beer and not really paying attention at all. Then, the next day, all hungover, you start writing a terrible article. And here it is, the work of the typical “everyone is an idiot, I’m a better coach than Van Gundy” loser.

    That’s you opinion,and it’s ok, but man gotta tell you: You are ridiculous

  • http://www.lkz.ch Darksaber

    ENDS? That you posing as a “jzone”?

  • http://www.slamonline.com James the balla

    Teddy the bear > j zone. I actually like one of J zone articles a little while back. This though was a little weird. I love the Kobe love. Great but the Oarlando, best team talk. F()ckouttahere.

  • nba kid

    I love that how after the Cavs series, SVG was praised for thoroughly outmaneuvering Mike Brown. He was hailed as who should have been the true coach of the year. Now after this series he should be fired? It’s not like he suddenly lost half his brain cells. Yes, playing Jameer so much was a bad move, but he’s still a frickn good coach. Pick a side!

  • http://www.manutd.com Z

    maybe mike brown is THAT bad?

  • chintao

    I agree with this piece, 100%. Thanks, J.

  • http://nbainchina.com NBA China

    Remember when everyone was saying how bad Phil Jackson was during the Rockets series – now hes the greatest of all time.

    Like JVG said in the game, if Fisher doesnt make that three, Van Gundy is a genious for trusting his allstar. Nelson played pretty effectively except for those threes…so lets cut them both a break and not make that the excuse why they lost.

  • http://nba.com tealish

    I think you guys knocking this article are missing the fact that it’s supposed to be a joke-piece. Also, I think the name “J-Zone” contributes to some of the hate. It’s got that Kobe fake facade ish.

  • Erika Badu

    “Was some of the officiating off? That’s a given, but with that being said, you can’t even blame the refs here.”

    Are you serious? if anything the officiating favored the Magic BIG TIME. Maybe with the exception of game 2.

  • Erika Badu

    And is J-Zone a freshman in high school?

  • Erika Badu

    @ tealish. We get the jokes. They’re just awful.

  • http://www.kaycephotography.com/ Kevin

    forget the name – the writing’s actually pretty good, and most of the opinions made were on point.. good stuff. i think if the Magic could re-play this series starting tomorrow, they’d prob push it to game 6 or maybe even game 7.. but i’d still see the Lakers out on top just because they want it so much more, top to bottom in terms of the teams’ respective rosters.. i f*ing hated seeing Anthony Johnson benched for the entire series, coz he rarely hurts his team and is the consummate professional throughout, even if he plays sparingly.. for an energy slash change of pace player that they need at the PG, he would’ve been perfect to bring in off the bench once Nelson proved he wasn’t ready to be a major contributor.. jerking minutes around between the wings doesn’t help either. aside from that, yes – the players pretty much determined this one.. Jackson’s the perfect coach for a team like the Lakers, but they really wanted it and they won it with their effort/hustle plays as much as the Magic lost this one themselves with their stupidity.. a year goes a long way – i’d say if the Lakers had wanted it this bad last year, they would’ve beaten the Celtics in 6. ps. Kobe’s the most dominant/complete player in the game today.. Lebron’s got it in a few years if he keeps at it, but let’s not mistake LBJ’s athletic gifts as being superior to Kobe’s transcendence.

  • COLT6

    Y’all don’t get it. The heading of this article is “J-Zone’s Finals Diary”. Ofcourse it will not be Pulitzer-worthy. I actually found it to be very funny especially the Jameer-D-fish date. F*ckouttahere with the bullsh*t. He even actually nailed excellent points, namely: (1) Stan Van Gundy is a joke, (2) The Magic choked, especially Dwight (3) Kobe is good (pure copy cat of MJ and all) but good nonetheless.

    I could write and definitely play ball better than this guy, but y’all gotsta chill. Cry baby just ate his words.

  • Bruno, RJ

    i really stopped when this damn stupid mentioned “the refs”…
    if there was a team favoured by refs calls was Orlando and even with that, they couldn’t deliver.
    they have a interesting team though… lets see next year.

  • http://double-technical.blogspot.com Zee!

    Listen to J-zone’s music, then his writing will make sense.

  • George B

    dump ass

  • Guitoz

    I loved this article, it made me laugh a lot. I had the same frustrated reactions watching the games, but here in France all I could do was trying to calm down, avoid to wake my girl up, and sleep (the games ended at 5 am here!). And Pietrus rocks.

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