J-Zone’s NBA Finals Preview

Laugh now. Learn later.

by J-Zone

So I’m cruising at 50% for my finals predictions. I really thought the Nuggets could pull it out but Carmelo & Chauncey no shows in the last few games—with help from a preposterous 5th foul call on Nene in Game 5—hurt them. Kobe is just that damn good and Trevor Ariza has been balling his a*s off like everybody that leaves the Knicks for greener pastures does, but that’s a whole new article. Nonetheless, I still ain’t impressed with that team. My dislike for the Lakers since Shaq left has reached its pinnacle, to the point where I refuse to buy anything from Staples these days. I’ve since taken my home office needs to Officemax. Until The Lakers’ home arena is renamed “The Officemax Center”, the Staples boycott remains in effect.

As for the East finals, can I call em or what? Hey, what do Teddy Ruxpin and the Cleveland Cavs have in common? They’re both soft ‘n fluffy and no longer around. Teddy Rux should actually consider coming out of retirement to give the Cavs some meanness in the paint, because Ilgauskas, Varejao and Ben Wallace are about as intimidating as Bob Saget, John Stamos and Dave Coulier in a house full of mallrat broads. Magic in 6, read about it in my last entry, called with crystal ball accuracy. I reminisce on the Cavs’ cheerleaders (aka LeBron super fans) talkin all that “The Cavs are the best team in the NBA, they’re gonna win it all!” sh*t after they went 8-0 in the first two rounds by beating the Roosevelt High School JV team and the cast of Sunset Park -better known as the Pistons and the Hawks- with ease. F**kouttahere. The “magic” word for the Cavs is NUTHIN. That team has 4 players. In order of greatness, they are:

1. King James 2. LeBron James 3. The referees (more assists in this series than John Stockton could have ever doled out) 4. Delonte West (aka my twin brother, therefore I could never hate on the man)

Mo Williams has proven he’s a just a role player, and everybody else is flat out dreck. Mike “Hey everybody, just stand around and plan your post game twitter posts while watching LeBron work” Brown can’t coach. Experiment with the triangle offense or something. They’ve got NUTHIN. King James can’t do it alone dumb as*es. After his winning shot in Game 2, I was flat out disgusted. I mean, the dude can ball and the shot was great, but the whole showing it 334 times a day was just one of many examples of everybody buying into the hype before the series was even halfway done (as were the Kobe-LeBron puppets, but that‘s an article in itself). I felt like I was watching OJ in the f*ckin Bronco chase. Every channel, every 3 minutes, with that God awful auto-tune crap song in the background -“So Amazing” or whatever the f*ck it‘s called- for added effect on video of the shot and this guy being pre-maturely touted as the best ever and he hasn’t won anything yet. I’d rather hear Kurtis Blow’s “Basketball”. Even Lil Bow Wow’s version of “Basketball” was better than “So Amazing”, but I’m going off track here. Where was I?

Oh, hey d*ckheads, the “magical” shot tied the series 1-1. And these bumbling fools on TNT are up there comparing the shot to Jordan’s buzzer beater that sent the Cavs fishing back in the day? Jordan’s shot closed out the series, LeBron’s just prevented an inevitable sweep and is now NUTHIN more than a vanity shot. The two shots are apples and oranges. Everybody wanted Kobe-LeBron so bad they couldn’t see the shot for what it was…a great shot, no more no less. Ol’ turkey neck David Stern included. But what does the shot mean now? NUTHIN. The NBA and the bandwagon jumpers fell on their faces -while LeBron avoided giving post game handshakes- and I’m loving every minute of this. Where’s all that talk now? It sounds like Joe Clark just told everybody to shut the f*ck up through a bullhorn around here. What does Mo Williams’ guarantee mean now? NUTHIN. What about all that celebrating on the bench and clappin baby powder in the air? NUTHIN.

Anybody who thought the Cavs would waltz through this series for reasons other than the NBA’s marketing hand dictating the officiating is stone crazy. A sub par team with a light playoff road and a home in the Kenny G soft Central Division got cocky and eventually got exposed. LeBron is the f*ck outta dodge in 2010. As a matter of fact, one of my boys from New Rochelle, NY said he saw the King up there looking for a house and stocking up on Johnson & Johnson baby powder at the local CVS. LeBron obviously has the potential to be the best to ever do it, but Jordan and Kobe never had the theatrics. They just went out there and busted peoples as*es furiously, vigorously and continuously for 48 minutes. No smiling. They also had teams worth a game of HORSE around them. That’s why they have rings, and in Cleveland, the only ring LeBron will ever get will be around his bathtub. He’s also getting Jordan-esque foul calls when he hasn’t won anything, which is why I gave up on following the NBA and went into high school ball in the first place. Giving the King an evil stare will get you tech’d up. F**kouttahere. He got all the calls. Hell, Mo Williams threw the ball at Dwight Howard and the refs went Mr. Magoo blind. With all these calls, the Cavs STILL lost. They couldn’t even make it a 7 game series and prove me wrong. NUTHIN.

LeBron is like a more athletic Magic Johnson, but the problem is he has nobody to pass the ball to. The Magic are a deep and dangerous team that deserved that win -albeit falling in love with the three pointer- and I’m glad that everybody’s plan for a Kobe-LeBron showdown at the expense of letting a crap sucky team into the Finals fell apart. NUTHIN. Reality. It’s the best sh*t that’s happened to the NBA in the last 10 years. NUTHIN.

As for the Finals, my outlook is simple. If Dwight Howard can stay out of foul trouble, the Lakers are straight road kill on I-5. If Jameer Nelson can return and contribute, the Magic’s chances are even better. But if Howard is hampered with foul trouble by the second quarter, LA (unfortunately) has a shot. At the end of the day, LeBron had the best season, but Kobe Bryant is still the best in the league, love him or hate him. He has a ring, LeBron doesn’t. And until LeBron gets one, it’s Kobe’s throne. Remember that…and get off the bandwagon. That being said, Kobe will go off, but I’ll put my money on the Magic taking it in 6.

Photo caption: Shout out to Teddy Ruxpin, who can provide more at the center position than Zydrunas Ilgauskas ever will.