Where fencing tourneys and cigarette runs happen?

by Kevin Owens

I knew something good was going to happen when Zach Parise skated onto the ice in the last minute of the “Gold Medal Game.” Or at least I thought it was Zach Parise. (You see I was watching the game with Estonian commentators. For all I know Bernie Parent could have been on the ice and I would have been none the wiser.) I am definitely far from being considered a “hockey buff.” If the Flyers are on and I can’t find a decent college basketball game to watch, I will follow the action. But last Sunday, as I watched USA and Canada battle it out for North American bragging rights, I was nervous, excited and hanging on every drop of the puck…I was a fan.

Like many professional athletes, my job is to entertain the fans. This is why I get paid. It is why I work so hard in the offseason. But once I step off the court I turn into a rabid fan myself. I become just another empty face in the stands, screaming my head off and waving my “rally towel.”

Although I am passionate about all Philadelphia sports teams, the team I have the most passion for is the Philadelphia Phillies. Now I have taken some heat over the past few years from fellow imports about being a “bandwagon jumper.” Unfortunately they don’t understand how deeply rooted my passion for this team lies.

It all started…well, I guess when I was born. I was brought into this world a Phillies fan. My grandfather and Phillies General Manager, Paul “The Pope” Owens, built a championship caliber team in honor of my birth. And in October 1980, when I was but a few months old, they gave me a great “welcome to planet earth” gift by winning the World Series. Since then, through all the successes and failures, I have been consumed by this team.

Growing up I went to a fair amount of games. My brother sister and I would arrive a few hours early and watch batting practice. Those are some of my fondest memories. Sitting behind home plate watching guys like Mike Schmidt and Von Hayes launch balls into the seats. Unfortunately this was during the Phillies memorable “down years.” But I didn’t care. I watched my heroes day in and day out, despite the outcome.

As I grew up, I became wiser. I understood the game more and more. This is when I began to fall into the category of “typical Phillies fan.” I became angrier and angrier with each unsuccessful season. It wasn’t until I became a professional athlete myself that I realized the situation these athletes are in. I began to side with the players during arguments with my hard headed friends.

Since the Phillies are considered to be one of the best teams in baseball, my anger has subsided. I’ll never forget in 2007, watching Brett Myers send the Phillies into the playoffs for the first time since 1993. I was in Korea at the time watching the game on my computer at 5 a.m. I am sure I woke up all my neighbors with my joyous screams when the final out was recorded.

And although waiting for a basketball job has sucked, it allowed me to sit in right field as the Phillies won the World Series in 2008. I was also able to attend my first championship parade since I was a shade under 6 months.

Now that spring training has officially started back up again, the fanatical feelings are back. The anticipation, the nerves, the excitement. I can’t help but be reminded of the spring trainings I have attended in the past.

Growing up, flying or driving down to Clearwater, FL became a common occurrence every March. But once I reached high school and college, with basketball it became more difficult. A few years back, my friends and I decided to start a new tradition. We would go down to Clearwater every spring to watch the Phillies start their season. And that is when my friends played the greatest prank on me I have ever been a part of.

A few of my buddies went to college together. When I was in Australia they told me their college roommate Colin, would be coming down to Florida that year. I had met Colin once or twice before, but did not know him that well. The way the flights were set up, I was going to arrive into Tampa, FL first. I had booked an early morning flight so I could go and pick up the rental car. Colin would be arriving next just an hour after me. The remainder of our mutual friends would be arriving four hours later. That left a lot of time for Colin and I to be together.

Knowing it would be a little awkward for the two of us to be hanging out for four hours, my jerk friends decided to make it much more awkward by setting up fake email accounts for both myself and Colin.

They started emailing the both of us using the fake email addresses. I was told the person I was talking to was Colin when in fact it was my idiot friends and vice versa. They became so obsessed with this prank, a typical night out for them turned into this:

Friend 1: “Hey you need a beer.”

Friend 2: “No, I think I am going to head out.”

Friend 1: “Head Out!?? You just got here.”

Friend 2: “I know, but I need to go home and see if one of these idiots emailed back.”

The entire email transcripts are below…

Fake Kevin:

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

Wzup buddy, just got your address from Chris. You excited for Tampa? I heard you may be getting engaged. That is awesome. Anyway, we should arrange to meet up since we’ll be the first ones there. What flight are you taking?

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

YO YO YO. Yeah Im getting engaged soon. Im actually buying the ring when I get down there. My Flight gets in at 10:50 am on the 22nd. I was planning on going to buy the ring once I landed. Ive been talking to the diamond dealer down there and I have everything picked out almost, I just have to go down there and ok it. I was going to cab it to the place considering its only 10 minutes from the airport, then once I was done, I was going to go back to the airport and wait for people to show up. Whats your plan?? What time are you getting in??

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

YOYO back at ya buddy. it seems like you got a good plan !!

i get in at about the same time and have a rental car. I’ll take you if you want me to. i know a little bit about diamonds since i bought one last year for my mean fiancé (but that’s a whole other story i’ll fill you in on). Anyway, lets hit up lunch too. there are some really cool strip joints with good seafood !! i haven’t had any in while since i have been playing bball overseas in a beach town in Australia. my celly is xxx-xxx-xxxx. call when you get in, or just look for me at the baggage claim, i’ll be easy to spot since i will be wearing a bright yellow soccer jersey.

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

Uh Oh that doesnt sound too good. I’m definitely down for lunch. Im going to need to eat something once I cough up all of that dough for that ring. Let me know if you’re getting in before me. I highly doubt I’ll have a hard time spotting you in a crowd. Are you going to be practicing your sword fighting while we’re down there (minus the swords)????

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

i assume you saw the wikipedia page? too funny. i have an excuse though, buddy. i’ve actually picked up fencing while looking for new way to train for BBall in australlia, it’s a real hoot.

i will be in tampa the night before. i’ve got tickets to see the tampa zoo. they have three platyrrhini primates for the week on loan from the SD zoo (very rare). i’m staying at airport hotel so it’ll be easy to pick you up in the morning. i can probably swing you a ticket for the show from my fencing mate who is visiting family this past month. he’s been only able to score two so far. but his cousin works there so i probably can swing an extra one for the morning show if you want. i attached some photos.

let me know

later bro.

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin:

You’re obsession with zoos is beyond bizarre. First of all, what time are these “shows” and second, how do go from getting seafood at a strip club to going to a zoo to see “three platyrrhini primates”

I’ll call you once I land. So I guess then we’ll go to the diamond dealer, get lunch wherever you choose, then go see these rare primates while talking to me about fencing and towel ripping. Sounds like a plan. I’ll talk to you later dude.

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin:

ok listen and listen good, if one more person mentions that towel i’m seriously gonna lose it. it wasn’t even ruined, just kinda torn a bit (salvageable). what’s your favorite food? im not “obsessed” with zoos, i buy one season pass and now i’m labeled for life. they are so mean about EVERYTHING. all they do is make fun of me, makes me upset sometimes. i do miss them though, Australia’s lonely, especially with my pain in the butt fiancé (fill u in on that later, details to follow). i miss my dog nelly too. i hope you and i can be real good friends. do you like PF Chang? We could split dim sum if you like (or order separately).

Anywhoo, write me soon.

G’day mate.

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

They are relentless, but fun to hang out with for some reason. Im a fan of PF Changs so that sounds good. Im down for pretty much anything. Its been a long time since Ive taken a trip without the ball and chain. Enjoy the games this weekend dude. Who do you have winning it all??

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin:

I really like Wisconsin a lot. Alando Tucker is a beast, plus their uniforms are kinda flattering I think. I’m a huge HUGE badger fan. get this – they are largely nocturnal, and shy and retiring usually (like me! – but they can’t dunk!) They usually have their cubs in February NEAR MY BIRTHDAY!!! They are omnivorous too. I also like Pitt a little (Panthers are really fast – the felines not their guard play). What’s your favorite color/uniform style? I can’t wait for PF Chang’s. There’s none DOWN UNDER. The fencing shows are at 10 and 2, we gotta squeeze one in. I was confused by your response. do you want to go or not? I AM SEEING MY FRIENDS FENCE!!! go badgers and panthers, I’d even eat them in a Chang’s stir fry !! hahahahahahahahaha

Just kidding, I would never eat that.

bye buddy,

thanks for talking to me, it’s boring here in Australia with this pain in the butt i live with, man do i have some stories about her to tell you later,

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin:

Man, I can only imagine what she’s doing to you. You seem pretty beaten up about it. I’m telling you now, if its bad and you can’t deal with it, get out of the relationship. My boy got married on Columbus Day, and is now getting divorced and he is getting raked over the coals. Don’t go through with a wedding if you can’t take it. It’s better to call a wedding off, than to go through with it and realize a year or so down the road you made a bad decision. I don’t know what your situation is like so It might not be the same.

I thought the shows were for these primates you were talking about. That makes sense now. My plane lands around 11, I figure after I get my bags and stuff it’ll be around 11:30. Im pretty much set at the ring place unless the diamond looks like crap. I wouldn’t mind going to the fencing tourney. You’d have to tell me what the hell is going on though. I know jack squat about fencing. I’m pulling for Gtown (I have to root for the big east).

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

How dare you tell me to break up with my fiancé? Who do you think you are, i barely know you! What is a hoya anyway? I was only complaining about her as a gag, she’s awesome, plus a really good cook (can’t make a badger stir fry at all though!! hahahahahaha) what does your girlfriend cook? The fencing show will be so neat, but listen it’s kinda of formal (like squash). You have to wear a collared shirt and tie ok? It’ll make it easier to find you in the airport, I’ll pack extra clothes for you in case you forget (may have Australian flags on the shirts though). FENCING ROCKS. Never got your answer about uniform styles you prefer.

How’s work? Write soon

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin:

Dude, I have no idea if you’re serious or not. YOU CANT TELL SARCASM OVER EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!! Im just letting you know what my boy went through. We both cook whatever recipes we have, which aint much but it tastes good to me.

Are you being serious about the shirt and tie?? That means I have to pack extra for a FENCING tourney???? I might sit outside drinking forties in a wife beater and flip flops.

I prefer wildly flamboyant jerseys, that why I HATE THE BADGERS. Boring unis. Sorry dude. I’ll probably like your soccer jersey better. I’ll talk to you soon.

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin:

I’m only kidding about the girlfriend thing. i make crazy jokes a lot like that though. but in all seriousness, i have to know if you are in for the fencing, my friend’s cousin is EXTREMELY impatient about the tickets (he’s a florist, you know how they get). i think it will be much better than drinking 40′s in the parking lot. we will have all weekend to drink (WITHOUT SHIRTS AND TIES !!) God, i’m just sitting here pretending my kitchen table is Chang’s…crazy right???

This trip is gonna be “amazing” food, friends, phils and CHANGS.

write me soon, enjoy the states i’ll be back there soon

From Fake Kevin
To: Everyone going to Florida

Hey all, I was surfing the web (Australia is boring now without bball) and just stumbled across this. It reminded me of our upcoming trip to FLORIDA!! Only a few more days!!

Just…. http://www.vanderbilt.edu/egsa/images/hang,in.there.baby.jpg

That link didn’t work, i had to retype it….guess i should work on my “cutting and pasting” skills and not just obsess over FENCING so much. Here’s the valid one, i think it will cheer all of us up !!

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/egsa/images/hang.in.there.baby.jpg

From: My friend Chris
To: Everyone going to Florida including Fake Kevin

kev, your obsession with weird pictures of animals is freaking me out.

how’s fencing going? are you going to a tourney in FL??

From: Colin:
To: Everyone going to Florida including Fake Kevin

Not only is he going, but he’s dragging me with him. On top of that, he said I have to wear a shirt and tie. I’m gonna to show up in chaps and I’m sure I’m going to fit right in.

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

Hahahahahahah chaps hahahahahahaah classic! you would NOT fit in !! that would be so embarassing for me, i can’t even imagine for my FRIEND! and oh my god, for my friend’s cousin, the florist (you know how they get!) DO NOT WEAR CHAPS. hahahahaha. Wear a shirt and tie, not for our lunch at PFC though! (NOT A DATE – we’re both straight!! and engaged)

Badgers tonight and Pitt looked good (uniform and basketball-wise)

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

Col, good news the tickets are a DONE DEAL, so we are definitely going to check out some fencing on Thursday, without the wife beater. (Seriously don’t forget the tie, they are super duper strict and i worry about my cousin being embarrassed by us) How was your st patty’s day? i miss it DOWN UNDER, not a ton of celebrating here, these aussie’s do not need an excuse to drink !! THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE FOSTERS HERE (Australian for hypocrisy!!!! used that joke a lot, do you like it?) So i have a question? What are your measurements and facial hair situation? (just height and weight, NOTHING WEIRD !! please do NOT include cup size hahahahahaha that would be TMI!) i’m pleased to announce that FC KEVIN for fifa ’07 would like to offer you the back-up goalie position for our Champions League team. Your jersey will have to fit in with the classically designed styles i have chosen (not flamboyant, but id say somewhat striking). Do you have a number preference? I usually pick 25 or 15 for myself, so they are not possibilities. Tournament’s been good other than one thing: How about those badgers? What happened? i was so incredibly angry…I bet they are MAD in MAD-I-SON (get it???) I was watching the game online and threw a bottle of dust-off i had by the computer. it hit my fish tank and broke it !! what’s your favorite movie? nemo’s lame. Almost all of the fish had to be flushed cause we had nothing to keep them in – Peter and Fred and Carlos and Henry and Angela and Nelly jr and Gary. We have Fred in an orange juice container (rinsed out). The guys rip on me about having the initials of my fish spell out PF Chang’s, but then i tell them if they ever had the coconut curry veggies they’d shut their friggin mouths (MOUTHWATERING). my beautiful fiancé helped me clean up the mess i made, we have really been getting along (less insults to follow) we are both just so ready to come back to the states. tampa is so close now, i’m dying with excitement. Write me back

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

Can I wear Jeans with this shirt and tie combo??? I didnt really want to pack a lot of clothes and having to pack an extra shirt and tie would be a HUGE pain in the butt on top of khakis too. And what are you talking about with FC Kevin??? Is there some sort of weird tradition you guys have when you go down there?? Im 6 foot and 200 lbs and I take a large. But my cup size is XXL. I still have no idea what you are talking about though. And I LOVE that the badgers lost. Especially because I had UNLV beating them in my pool. My St Paddys day was spent at an Italian wedding. You need to calm down over PF Changs. I like it too but I wouldn’t go naming my pets after it.

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

I would think that jeans are ok, I’ll ask. You should probably just wear the stuff for the tourney in case we have to haul it over there after meeting up. FC KEVIN is not a florida tradition (although i’m open to starting new traditions this year, especially if there will be new people and potential new memories there and stuff !!) i make all my friends (of which you are officially one now!) into players for all my playstation games. So i need to know facial hair configurations to make you match more PERFECTLY. still waiting to hear favorite movie.

adios amigo

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

AHHHH. I wasn’t sure what you were talking about. I have no facial hair, but if you’d like to give me a mustache that would be pretty cool. Favorite movie would be Little Giants or Super Troopers. Any other dimensions you need?? What do you normally get when you go to Changs????

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

we are set on the “dimensions” and up and running. WELCOME TO FC KEVIN, introducing our newest player (non-mustached) colin, #14!!! We have to stick to reality, so you can’t have facial hair. Super Troopers is funny. I usually order the coconut curried vegetables (told you that once already) but i love the lettuce wraps with chicken in them too. THOSE NOODLES IN THERE ARE LIKE STYROFOAM ARENT THEY??? i’ve banned my fiancé from using salt and pepper, only chili sauce and soy sauce on the table when we eat. I called my cousin, he said jeans are fine (with no holes), but you can’t wear sneakers. Do you have pets? How much money are you bringing?

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

I wasn’t planning on bringing a ton of cash. I figure the small fortune I’m going to be spending on this ring will put a nice size hole in my net worth. I like the #14 by the way. Although, 24 and 27 would be first 2 choices. I generally like numbers with 4 in it. and 2×7 = 14 so there’s a 4 in it some where. I haven’t had the coconut veggies but have had the lettuce wraps. I’m a fan of the Mongolian beef too, and the scallops dish is pretty damn good too.

From: Colin
To: Fake Kevin

YO dude, so it looks like Im not going to be checking my luggage. My soon to be fiancé has a decent size bag that fits a bunch of stuff and is small enough to carry on. So are you going to meet me at the airport?? I figure if we go straight to the Diamond place then we should have enough time to make it to your cousins fencing tourney (at 2pm right??). The place is only 10 minutes from the airport and I pretty much know what I’m getting (they have it set aside already). So If my flight lands around 11, we can be at the diamond place by 11:30 at the latest. Do you like Cuban food??? Last time I was down in Tampa, I went to this place called the Tropicana in Ybor City. Really good Cuban food. Not sure when you wanted Changs.

From: Fake Kevin
To: Colin

Sounds like a plan, stan. you should try my cell first xxx-xxx-xxxx . If this doesn’t work (which it may or may not, australia has messed up my bills) try the sidekick xxx-xxx-xxxx. THIS WILL PROBABLY WORK FOR SURE, but try the other first!! If that doesn’t work, send a smoke signal, if that fails – pony express. Do you think ponies are fast?? i pretty much dont. Why not like panther express or cheetah express? Falcons seem fast. I will look for the non-mustached kid in the shirt and tie, u will look for the taller (also non-mustached) one in the yellow soccer jersey. I’ll smack the cuban sandwich out of your hand if you deny me Chang’s. I will not check luggage either. Fred died, my fiancé said there was oj residue, DEPRESSING. I told her to clean it good, but who knows? I am excited to see my dog, wish i could bring her to tampa. HOW RIDICULOUS WOULD A DOG LOOK AT A FENCING MATCH THOUGH??? hahahahaha what an image, classic.

Fake Colin:

From: Fake Colin
To: Kevin

What’s up Kevin? These losers gave me your email address so we can plan what we’re going to do since Chris screwed up as usual and didnt buy his ticket till that night. Mike comes in at 3 i think. What do you want to do in the mean time? I was wondering if you could help me out by running me to a jeweler i found to buy an engagement ring. You know, whatever, kill some time, get some breakfast (i LOVE bacon!!!). Anyway, if not, it’s not a big deal, just thought I’d ask. Hit me back up so we can plan, i’m excited about the trip. Even though I hate the Phillies.

Talk to you soon,

Col

From: Kevin
To: Fake Colin

What’s up Col,

I am down for the jeweler and breakfast. After that we can cruise around and b.s. for a few hours. I tried to have Mike give me the info for the hotel, but it’s apparently illegal to have 8 guys in 2 rooms. I’ll see if I can sway him. What time do u get in? I’m pumped as well. I’ll hit u up closer to the day so we can figure out where to meet and all. Talk to you soon

Kev

From: Fake Colin
To: Kevin

i can’t wait to get DRUNK !!! i heard ybor is sick.

actually, if your down for cruising, i have a cousin not to far from the city in alachua. he’s going to hook me up with a few cigarette cartons at a ridiculous price. its a bit of a ride, but consider your breakfast on me (unless you order bacon cause i’ll eat it myself, dude!)

here’s his place on mapquest…. http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl&q=

thanks alot for doing this man. my cousin and i really appreciate it.

btw, can i smoke in the rental car? considering i’ll have at least 25 cartons.

also, i’m okay with sharing a room. as long as its with you and not those freaks. are you still down under? do you have a few extra jersey’s from your team? my cousin would trade a few carton’s for them. let me know asap.

later dude.

From: Fake Colin
To: Kevin

Kev,

I’m still waiting to hear how many jerseys to tell my cousin to expect. He said knowing sizes would help too. Chris said he’s renting a second car, just a kick around little one. that works out good in case they get in before we get back from Alachua. We can just meet them at the hotel. I’ve been googling places to eat on the way. We’ll find a nice breakfast place – you can pick since i’m buying. Also, i’d like to do something athletic, considering these slobs will never want to. Bring a football or wiffle ball set or something. Will you run with me every day? i want to try and keep in shape. i do have one more tiny request. Did they warn you about my obsessive compulsive disorder? They bust on me relentlessly. It’s not bad, i just have a hard time throwing stuff away, things like that. I only mention it to make sure you get a rental van with manual locks. I know that sounds stupid and i’ll deal if not, but try and ask if it’s no problem.

Thanks buddy,

Col

From: Kevin
To: Fake Colin

HAHAH,

Hey col, I just got back and checked my email. Wow! Do u really want to go to this place? And the jerseys?? Funniest emails ever though. I feel like I’m being punk’d. You need a car with manual locks?? I do remember hearing stories of someone not being able to throw things away, like pencil shavings. I didn’t think it was you though. Hahaha this is hilarious. I am down for picking out rings. As for the cigarettes and jersey swapping…we’ll see. I will def run everyday with u, and I’ll bring down a football to throw around on the beach. I’ll give u a ring. My cell’s xxx-xxx-xxxx. Thanks

Kev

From: Fake Colin
To: Kevin

Kevin,

I’m laughing my ass off knowing how weird. im so used to them ragging on me about it. what if i need the pencil shavings some day? i have a broken lobster plate under my fiance and i’s mattress, she has no clue. listen this money is already spent, i’ll be broke after getting this friggin ring. so my cousin’s really helping me out, i appreciate your helping me too. also please don’t wear any cologne, i have some kind of reaction to it and it makes the ocd more intense. something about endomorphins, i don’t know, the doctors just told me to avoid it. don’t be weirded out, you won’t even notice, i’m almost embarrassed to tell all you this stuff. imagine how long it took my fiancé to get over it, making her throw out all of her perfume really went over well, let me tall ya. we are all gonna have so much fun down there though. have u ever been to a dog track? i’d really like to check one out, i hear they are a blast. talk to you thurs, make sure you call me when you land!

The best part about this prank is that it worked. I was dreading having to drive four hours to go pick up cigarettes, and he was dreading having to go to a fencing tournament. Once he landed he called me. The conversation went a little something like this.

Colin: “Hey I’m here where are you at?”

Kevin: “Hey, I am sitting at the Starbucks having a coffee.”

Colin: “Are you wearing a bright yellow soccer jersey?”

Kevin: “Ummm…No…”

Colin: “Oh…are we going to this stupid fencing tournament?”

Kevin: “What are you talking about?”

Colin: “Wait…What?”

Kevin: “What fencing tournament? I thought we were going to Alachua?”

Colin: “What?!!”

Kevin: “Those sons of b****es!!”

It was at that point we called the ring leader of this whole prank and listened to him laugh hysterically into the phone for the next 10 minutes. It did make our first few hours together much less awkward. We talked about how ridiculous the emails were over a beer at the airport bar. He also did bring me with him to get an engagement ring for his lovely fiancé, who is now his lovely wife.

Kevin Owens is a veteran of overseas professional basketball who currently plays for Kalev/Cramo in Tallinn, Estonia. Owens also writes for Waiting For Godunk and Hugging Harold Reynolds. You can also catch him on Twitter @Waiting4Godunk.