Vanessa Hayden: Straight Gangsta

The WNBA’s illest player.

by J. Gamble

Before Candace Parker returned from maternity leave, Lisa Leslie returned to full health and the LA Sparks got thing’s poppin’ with a WNBA playoff berth, reserve Vanessa Hayden helped keep them above water. The 6-4, 240-pound center’s play even drew props from rap superstar Snoop Doggy Dog.

Hayden hasn’t balled much since Parker’s return, though, and was not in coach Michael Cooper’s “core” group for these playoffs before the Sparks fell to the Phoenix Mercury in the Western Conference Finals last week.

Still, Hayden, a former starter, supports her team and contributes in other  ways. Her Facebook updates keep the masses informed about the Sparks as well as her own personal journey. Her rough childhood, blunt delivery and twisted humor makes her Queen of The Facebook Court. You might read anything on a Vanessa Hayden Facebook status.

“Hell I can say what I want because it’s my Facebook Page!” said Hayden, a University of Florida graduate, who grew up in the projects of Orlando. “No team owners, parents, friends, ex’s, currents, or anybody can tell me what to say…Deal with it !!”

Straight gangsta.

Hayden may not be top-dog on her team, but I see a top-rated talk show in her future. Sirius-XM of course…

SLAM has compiled a list of some of Hayden’s classic Facebook posts and statuses. I call it The V-SPOT: Vanessa speaks on…

Being the Third Wheel [Post reply to an old classmate who accused Vanessa of standing him up when he was in town]:

July, 19, 11:29 p.m.…dowdy, I didn’t stand you up…I had ACTION !! Let me think…be a third wheel with dowdy and his wife or get action??? No-brainer…AHOLE! I miss you and we should plan something for our class to meet up one weekend…that would be fun…to see the wives of some of you losers and see how ugly certain people have gotten…lmao

Food Curing Minor Adversity:

July, 27, 2:58 p.m…..you know…I was feeling real stressed…shitty practice, late 2 da airport and got a fat fine…can’t stand dark gable [affectionate name for coach Michael Cooper ?] and ironically after I inhaled that BIG AND TASTY. I’m starting to feel a lot better..thnx Mcdonalds…I’m loving it!

Family:

July 29, 3:16 a.m. ..can’t sleep…God is tryna tell me something..you are outside looking in. Don’t judge me or my life unless you’ve lived it ! It’s time for a change…tired of the superficial..speak to my heart Lord! Momma why did u leave me? Daddy why did u neglect me ?

Her Daughter Zyon:

July 31st, 1:49 p.m…The quickest way to get YOU effed up is 2 f*%$ with my child…NO ONE CAN LOVE HER OR TAKE CARE OF HER THE WAY I CAN…I am not overprotective…more like militant when it comes to ZYON!

Single-Parenting [a response to a friend’s post to her status update]:

July 31st…honestly mark..I’m struggling. Juggling my career and motherhood is really wearing me down. Also the fact that I’m divorced and doing most of the parenting alone is stressful. At some point I have 2 accept that I had a baby with a man who was not the person I’d spend the rest of my life with…an it angers me…

Men:

July 31st, 10:06 p.m….question….why are men so damn cheap ? Seriously ? do I look approachable by ur cheap ass? NO! I’m not a gold digger but damn…I am not impressed…STEP YA GAME UP…PULEEASSSEE !

Personal Hygiene:

Aug. 1, 5:13 p.m. Just noticed this mountain of a bump growing on my forehead…wth?? Toothpaste serum on deck!

Winning but Not Playing:

Aug. 2, 1:10 a.m…we won..thank God! That’s all that matters..my game will come.

Disillusioned Groupies [STANS]:

Aug. 2, 12:38 p.m. oh and im bout sick of these STANS..seriously…get a life..I’m sorry but if your ENTIRE life revolves around ONE single thing other than family…ie…a sports team, a person you don’t know personally…then you need prayer and a social/personal.

Religion, Nudity and Food:

Aug 2, 9:07 p.m. ..was watching church on da net at 11 am and just woke up with a slob on the side of my face and if I’m not mistaken my shirt was off…did I feel the spirit??? SMH..Now its time to learn my domestic duties..time to cook this baked Lemon pepper chicken..

Real Housewives of Atlanta Casting:

Aug. 3, 12:06 a.m.. I’M PISSED!! WHY DIDN’T THE HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA NOT CAST ME ON THAT SHOW…My house is nicer than NENE’S…but she is my girl though!! And this chick Kim is killing me…HOW DID I MISS THE CASTING CALL ???

Dealing With Negative People:

Aug. 4, 6:38 p.m…you kno what…ya teeth are a cage for yo tongue…I wish negative ass ppl would shut the f%@# up..thx…tough loss Sparks…its easy to be negative during tough times..it’s hard for some ppl 2 stay positive…

Finding Comedy in a Tough Situation:

Aug 7, 4:27 a.m…and the funniest ish ive heard all day “it look like she been kicking down trees in the jungles of Congo barefooted”…lmao…lmao….oh thank heaven…the sparks are 7-11…GOODNITE!

Stress and Shopping:

Aug. 7, 3:06 p.m. when life gives you lemons…wait…life doesn’t give lemons…it gives headaches, heartache, hypertension, high blood pressure, stress an sych…I’m going shopping DO NOT DISTURB!

Owning a Benz:

Sept. 8, 3:05 p.m….$506 dollars???? I need a new car…cause it should never cost $500 dollars 2 get a car serviced..what was I thinking when I bought that Benz?? Grrrrr….sleepy time!

Lack of Court Time:

Sept. 8, 7:27 p.m…I feel some kinda way right now..I’m not playing because I play behind 2 of the best post players 2 ever play the game..and my coach makes decisions on who gets minutes…I work and I am a positive teammate…there is NO OTHER REASON..I’M NOT PLAYING…I am not ashamed…actually I’m in a betta position than 90% of ppl…GET FROM AROUND ME IF YOUR ASHAMED OF ME.

Sparks Making the Playoffs:

Sept. 9, 1:58 am…SPARKS IN THE PLAYOFFS!! HA!! WHERE’S ALL THE HATERS THAT SAID WE WERE FINISHED 2 MONTHS AGO…LOL LOL LOL..GET YOU A PIECE !!! WE IN HERE!!

Gay Vs. Straight:

Sept. 15, 6:27 p.m…seems like everybody is gay nowadays…but we know who (V) isn’t…lmao!!! A HIT DOG WILL BARK….

Accusations of Weight Gain:

Sept. 17, 9:40 a.m. ..no I’m not ginormous….that’s just how I look on tv…I’m the finest chick over 220 you will eva see…in my case the camera adds 30lbs…lol…but I’m serious…I haven’t gained any weight!!