When I first heard that the man who brought The X-Men to life on the big screen was going to be making Superman I was very optimistic. But then I saw the man poised to wear the blue tights and red cape, and I was ready to bet the block that this movie was going to be worse than Ben Affleck’s portrayal of a blind crime-fighting lawyer. I mean, come on. Brandon Routh? The man looks like Anne Hathaway’s younger brother, not a superhero, na’mean? Can we please get a real man to fill Christopher Reeves shoes? Not someone who Bryan Singer and Sam wants to see bend over in blue spandex.
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But being a gangsta movie critic I had no choice, and on the 28th of June I went to the flicks and laid down my hard earned paper to watch I was sure would be hot garbage wrapped in a Louis Vuitton bag. Feel me. I had all the hateful words lined up for my review way before the movie even began. But by the time the movie was over, I was a believer. Boy toys can fly too. Just ask George Michael.
That’s right haters, Superman Returns was well worth my 10 duckets and 75 cents and all the hype it’s garnered in the past few months.
For those who don’t know, this movie doesn’t start from the very beginning and gets into Superman landing on earth and becoming the man of steel and all that. Naw. The movie takes place way after everyone knows who Superman is… or was. See, after scientists thought they discovered remains of Sup’s native planet Krypton floating around space, Superman boated on earth and ain’t been back in 5 years. Once he does return to earth (hence the title and newspaper headlines in the film) he finds out two things: the people of earth got along fine just without him (wars, famine, Bush — all that good stuff); and Lois Lane was and still is loose. Maybe Clark Kent should’ve listened to “The World is Filled” on Biggie’s classic Life After Death album. “Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, fool!” Word is bon jovi! Lois Lane is wifed up by Cyclops and they have a son together.
But that’s the least of Superman’s problems. Lex Luthor a.k.a. Keyser Sose done went to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and straight up housed (I’m an ‘80s baby) all of his crystals. And no, I don’t mean the champagne y’all simple-minded creatures. I mean the crystals from Krypton. What’s Lex’s grand scheme and plot for the crystals? Real estate! Sounds lame, I know. But it really wasn’t.
So aside from saving a few people from death here and there, Superman must now find Lex, get his crystals back and prevent the bald headed genius from ruining his comeback party.
Now, my thing is, how can Clark Kent and Superman return on the same exact day and no one put two and two together? That’s still my beef. I mean given, Clark Kent is this clumsy and nerdy guy, but come on, dunn. Can anyone really be that stupid? See, that’s how I know Superman couldn’t lamp in the hood. I mean, if someone gets arrested on the block, then they get back to the block a half hour later, and 4 other people get arrested a half hour later, we pretty much know you snitching. So if the bird of the block disappears whenever Superman appears, you can trust we gonna show up to son’s door with a big bag of BBQ charcoal like “Aight son! Ice us out! No no no, don’t play stupid, Clark. We know why washed those blue spandex at the Laundromat, and it sure as hell wasn’t for aerobics class.” Na’mean?
Other than that, I ain’t have no beef with the movie. All the proper characters got the right shine. Clark, Lois and Lex all got they burn. Brandon Routh was definitely believable as the herb that Clark Kent is supposed to be. But buying him as Superman was a pretty hard sale for me, and I’m an impulse buyer, na’mean? Kevin Spacey as the charismatic, and evil genius Lex Luthor was the perfect fit. Whether he was acting conceited (he got a reason), nonchalant or just plain old evil, Kevin had everything down to a tee. Now as far as the harlot that was Lois Lane, I feel they could’ve gotten someone better for the part. Kate Bosworth looks like a high school senior, not a mami and sure as hell not a mami. There was one scene where she bent over in the kitchen and the back of her pants looked like a pair of pants look when they’re on the cash register, na’mean. Lemme speak Jamaican real quick, ahem…NASS-A-TALL! NAS-A-TALL!!! Sorry, I had to get that out my system.
When it was all said and done and Superman saved the world yet again (did you really think he wouldn’t?) I gave the flick 4 Gangstas.
It really was an amazing movie. The script, the plot, and special effects — everything was just on point. They even went as far as making Lex Luthor a prison hardened murderer, something that the original Superman film didn’t attempt. I mean the man shanked Superman on some “Phone check, fool!” s***, na’mean. I don’t know about Superman being better than Batman Begins, but it sure as hell gave it a fair fight. And as I’ve stated before, Brandon Routh just didn’t fit the bill like my man Christopher Reeves did. Pour out a little liquor!
Look in the sky! It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, well, it’s pretty much a bird in a cape flying like a plane.
–Omar Mazariego
