Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006 at 9:02 am  |  6 responses

Zach Randolph is “involved” in sexual assault

I put quotes around the word involved because that’s what the cops are saying. I am writing this with a straight face.

By Sam Rubenstein

The Blazers home page is proudly displaying that Lamarcus Aldridge is having shoulder surgery. The story is at the top of the page, with a picture of their smiling rookie right there, who is one of the new Blazers. You know, the good guys.

Why would a team’s website be so happy to put news like that on the top of their page? Because of the following statement, which is attributed to nobody in particular on the site, though I think it’s safe to assume it’s the GM. Here you go:

Zach Randolph Satement Regarding Zach Randolph
Since this matter is under investigation, out of respect for the legal process, we simply cannot comment at this time. Once we have all the facts, we will act accordingly. This is in response to the following statement issued by the Portland Police Bureau:

Late last week I received several calls about a possible criminal investigation involving Zach Randolph of the Portland Trail Blazers. At the time, for investigative reasons I was not able to confirm any information. The Police Bureau will now confirm that on August 14, 2006, an officer took a report of a sexual assault and that the report involved Zach Randolph. However, the Police Bureau is not identifying Zach Randolph as a suspect in the criminal investigation. This is an ongoing investigation and detectives are still interviewing potential witnesses.

Thanks. Glad that’s been cleared up. USA Today says Zach is “involved” but might not have anything to do with this. Oh, I see. Involved in sexual assault but not a suspect. Does that mean somebody saw him there, somebody mentioned his name, he saved the victim and drove her to the hospital? I mean he’s “involved” with sexual assault? What the hell does that mean?
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  • Nadav Posted: Aug.22 at 10:49 am
    Well, he’s also “involved” in the NBA, but that doesnt make him a good player. He also looks like Ninja Turtle. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103060/posters

  • Sam Rubenstein Posted: Aug.22 at 11:06 am
    I saw that movie in the theater. Basically “The Ooze” is steroids. Shredder turns into Barry Bonds at the end.

  • Max Airington Posted: Aug.22 at 11:43 am
    That ninja does look like a turtle. Sam, we gonna get a Madden review? The 360 version is crack….

  • simon Posted: Aug.22 at 10:03 pm
    “he saved the victim and drove her to the hospital?”- Hero in a half shell indeed! Maybe he was the victim of a sexual assault…?

  • PIMPN Posted: Aug.23 at 2:26 pm
    did he nunchuck the suspect then order pizza???

  • Chukaz Posted: Jun.1 at 2:23 am
    this thing is so awesome. He’s guilty

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