by Lang Whitaker

A few minutes before the start of last night’s Hawks game, new Hawks beat writer Mike Cunningham tweeted some breaking news:

2 surprises: R. Clemens visits locker room as guest of Woody and Woody’s eyebrows shaved. He wouldn’t explain why and no one seems to kno.

OK, so that’s strange: I know the Hawks were in Houston and all, but why was Roger Clemens in the Hawks locker room as a guest of Mike Woodson? Is Woody friends with The Rocket, or is…

WAIT MIKE WOODSON SHAVED HIS EYEBROWS!? And he wouldn’t explain why, and no one seems to know?

My initial thought was that maybe he lost a bet on the football games, but then, who bets their damn eyebrows on a football game?

As the game started, Hawks PR man Arthur Triche tweeted this photo of Woodson wearing fake eyebrows, which were apparently cut by Josh Smith out of Velcro (or stolen from a Mr. Potato Head set). When the game actually started, Woodson emerged looking like this.

And the game went on and the Hawks played really well.

But what happened to this man’s eyebrows? With Woodson refusing to talk about it, there are several active working theories. I will not rest until this investigation is complete! These are the facts we’re working with:

• Twitter was big on the “Woody must have lost a bet” theory. Maybe. But again, who in the world bets their eyebrows?

• Cunningham asked Jamal Crawford, who said “Nobody knows. You should get to the bottom of it and let me know.”

• Josh Smith told Cunningham, “He claimed his barber did it on accident.”

• Later, Cunningham posited that perhaps it was an attempt by Woodson to provide some levity and take the pressure off the Hawks (who hadn’t won a game in Houston in 10 years before last night’s win). Josh agreed: “We wanted to have a happy-go-lucky atmosphere. I think he didn’t want to come and tell us how much he really, really wanted this game. I think it went over well with the guys. But we knew in the back of our minds how important this game was.”

• I texted with one Hawks player, and he confirmed that Woodson didn’t offer any explanation. The players seemed to be enjoying it, though.

• Al Horford tweeted:

Woody wanted to go with a new clean look, so he shaved his eyebrows off. He says he looks “hot”

• Zaza Pachulia tweeted:

Really don’t know what happened with woody’s eyebrows. I was shocked when I saw it :) it was really funny. Everybody was laughing in locker room.

• This morning, I was told by someone close to the situation that Woodson’s barber shaved them off and “said it makes him look younger.”

It makes him look something, all right. For me, the takeaway from all this is that we need to come up with a new nickname for Mike Woodson. “Woody” is fine, but we need something that hits on his newly distinguishing features. Or lack thereof.

For now, I’m going with The Smooth Operator.

Explanations? Theories? Nicknames? Hit us with your best shot down below…