Things that are awesome today

by September 18, 2007

It’s been three or four days without a really good Isiah/Starbury lunacy fix, and as my loyal fans know, I can’t go that long without consuming some dumb sh*t. And since I refuse to take part in another 700-comment post on what Avery said about Dirk in mid-September, I’m going back to the dumb sh*t vault. If you’re not involved in any of the following stories, your life could be worse.

This is awesome. “Don’t taser me, bro!” Who knew Dane Cook was politically active? I voted for John Kerry in 2004, but given the, um, leadership he shows here, maybe I really should be glad he didn’t win. Dude led troops in Vietnam ā€” he couldn’t have told a couple of local cops to chill the f*ck out? (Make sure you watch the video.)

This is awesome, although I’m guessing it sent a chill down Sam’s spine ā€” There but for the grace of God, right Mr. Rubenstein? I’m pretty sure this guy wasn’t wearing a Tecmo Bowl shirt, because the truly committed masochistic nerds don’t have time for irony.

This is awesome. Once, as a Penn State undergrad, some friends and I were walking in downtown State College on the Friday afternoon before a home game against Michigan. A couple of guys in UM garb came up, very friendly, to ask where they could find the hot place in town to hang out that night. Struck by what seemed, to my 20-year-old mind, like divine inspiration, I quickly told them about this great bar just down the street where all the hottest girls hung out. They seemed genuinely grateful and excited and headed toward the only gay bar in town.

Good one, right? My point is that I can understand a heated college football rivalry making you do cruel things to people. But even I can’t being to understand why you’d clamp on another dude’s package and not let go until you apparently literally almost tore his junk off. Having said that, if we lose to Michigan this weekend and I see a Wolverine fan on Saturday night, I, uh… never mind.

Best things about this story, beside the obvious manual castration angle?

1. The one dude who ripped the other dude’s balls off is described as “churchgoing.” Thanks for that!

2. The photo illustration accompanying the story. Are the side-by-side helmets supposed to imply balls? I’m really not sure, but I hope someone at this website is getting paid a lot of money, because they earned it with this one.

Last thing: I don’t watch the NFL as a rule, but I caught five minutes of Barkley in the booth last night, and the NFL was almost interesting to me. I love that man.

Actual last thing: Sam and Khalid, does the fact that both of your teams apparently suck mean you won’t argue about which one’s better anymore? It’s an honest question. I’d like an answer.