Last Week in Las Ligas

By Jake Appleman (Ital) and Oliver Price (normal font)

Before we get to the highlights, just wanted to give a get-well shout to Olly, who just recently underwent a surgery of some sort. From what my sources tell me, dude chose not to sing kareokee. Impressively enough, he sent in some highlights despite the extenuating circumstances, which makes him like the Alan Shearer of Slamonline soccer pundits. Get well soon…

Valencia 2 Barcelona 1

El Sid Lowe with some great, funny perspective on Valencia:

The captain hates the president, the playmaker doesn’t like the doc, the coach hides in the toilet to avoid the sporting director, and the defensive lynchpin has had enough and is off to the local rivals from up the coast. The goalkeeper is a 38-year-old who drives a bright yellow battered Beetle, has hair the same colour, and a thing about red towels and tantric sex; the boss wears Rupert the Bear’s scarf and his auntie Lola’s eye-shadow; and the centre-back can’t even vent his spleen in anger at it all because it was removed following a car crash.

Meanwhile, the €25m right-winger cheerfully admits that he was breast-fed until he was seven; the dynamic midfielder has a worrying fixation with his ears, which is perhaps because his ears are a worrying fixation; and the full-back finished last night with a dimple pot in one hand, a cigarette in the other and Brazilian music blaring out over the day’s big-screen football round-up, while a cardboard Christ the Redeemer looked on, concern in his eyes, mini flags hanging out his wizard’s sleeves.

As for the rest of them, the Italian who disgusted his Spanish team-mates by not liking jamón has been walked to the border, the left-winger has glass ankles, and everyone else has been injured, five of them tearing knee ligaments. They have more Davids than the SDP, a brass band with fewer tunes than Status Quo, and a historic tendency to go at the self-destruct button with a sledgehammer.

Yet still Valencia CF might win the league.

Real Madrid 0 Betis 0

This nine minute news report on a game with zero goals…ENJOY!

Espanyol 3 Mallorca 1

A spectacular whiff by Jankovic, meanwhile Luis Garcia and Espanyol stay hot.

Recreativo 1 Real Sociedad 0

Racing 4 Nastic 1

Is it just me or does Atletico really miss Coleslaw?

Zaragoza 1 Villarreal 0


And so Real Zaragoza’s European bandwagon continues on its merry way. Whilst their away form of just four wins from eleven means that a top four finish may be out of reach, there is enough quality in the team to ensure that anything less than UEFA Cup qualification would be a failure. For a side that was the epitome of mid table mediocrity, last season, that is some achievement.

Deportivo 0 Levante 0

Athletic 2 Getafe 0

Celta 1 Osasuna 0

Sevilla 3 Atlético 1

I’m more concerned with the Madrid derby that starts in a few short hours.

Champs Lge roundup

Barcelona 1-2 Liverpool

Shock result as the cream of Spain are embarrassed at home by a organised Liverpool team- Future looks bleak for Barcelona….Jake? any opinions? Yeah, Liverpool got lucky. I watched some of this, and the only thing the announcers could say at the end was that Liverpool got lucky, Barca blew a bunch of chances, and it’s incredible that Liverpool always somehow seems to pull out matches like these. I wouldn’t be surprised if Barca rolled to Anfield in 10 days and blew them out of the building. They need Eto’o back, though. And, though he seems like a huge piece trash that for the most part sucks at life, big ups to Craig Bellamy for taking English gangsta to a whole nother level with his Golf club celebration. Don’t you kind of feel like the footy Gods were sitting up there, analyzing this match, like, “Hey, what if Bellamy and Riise score and Liverpool win a match they don’t really deserve? That’d be funny, right? We can make them think they’re really in control going into the second leg. Yeah, that’d be fun..” I’m just saying…

Porto 1-1 Chelsea

Lille 0-1 Manchester United

PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Arsenal

Inter 2 Valencia 2

Real Madrid 3 Bayern Munich 2

Here’s what I don’t get: People (mostly British) trash David Beckham’s game because his game can’t live up to his superstar billing in society. The problem is that because the English soccer pundits say he’s overrated, Americans who don’t care to watch, automatically assume that he sucks. Really, he sucks? He played a part in all three Real goals. When he’s injury-free and in form, he can be one of the most dangerous players on a star-studded pitch. Boo on Fabio Capello for trying to be a Godfather that he clearly isn’t. At least he admitted, more less, that he was wrong and brought Becks back to the team.

EPL Highlights

My internet is playing up big time this week but actually got some nice extended highlights ready

Premiership (two weeks ago)

Reading 2-0 Aston Villa

Just take a second to appreciate what Reading have done this season, they are currently in sixth position in the premiership above Tottenham, Aston Villa and in the mix with the likes of Arsenal- its pretty incredible- and their top scorer Kevin Doyle of the Republic of Ireland cost them about the same as a second hand car…..pretty incredible story

Chelsea 3-0 Middlesbrough

Chelsea keep the pace on the Red Devils at the top with this crushing win

Everton 1-0 Blackburn

Man Utd 2-0 Charlton

Newcastle 2-1 Liverpool

Liverpool slip up and allow Arsenal to close the gap for third place- with a victory in their game in hand the Gunners will go a-top the Liverpudlians

Sheff Utd 2-1 Tottenham

Relegation favourites the Blades do themselves a big favour beating the disappointing Tottenham Hotspurs at home

West Ham 0-1 Watford

The most disappointing team in the league hit rock bottom with a loss to the bottom club Watford at home- wave goodbye to the Hammers, because at this rate the star studded Londoners are headed for the Championship and lower league football

Portsmouth 2-1 Man City

Bolton 2-1 Fulham

Arsenal 2-1 Wigan

Another come from behind win for the Gunners, who are still unbeaten at the Emirates Stadium-


Bolton 1-3 Arsenal

Unbelievable game as the Gunners missed two penalties but still won – in extra time

This page will lead to a bunch of highlights as there are no definitive packages available yet

Goal of the Week

Lenny Landzaat’s powerful drive against the Gunners

Player of the Week

All it took was two moments of Steve Sidwell magic for Reading to take the 3 points, despite being under the kosh for 70 minutes of the 90 against Villa


Another couple of Zidane videos– ‘cos if you are a football fan you just can’t get enough of him

Also it had to come-

Wayne Rooney compilation

The star of the English national team- including a little footage of him at Everton, (don’t cry Ryan) he may look like Shrek, but he can sure play

And another one if you want some more-