Movie Review: 300

by March 13, 2007
16

By Omar Mazariego

Aight, y’all come read what I say because you know I’m a keep it a hun’ed for y’all. And I don’t intend on changing what I do. You might’ve read what the movie “critics” said about Frank Miller’s 300 and thought “Well, maybe it’s a waste of money.” I’m here to tell you that I do not agree with what these so called “seasoned” critics say of this…this masterpiece. And while 300 will most certainly fail to make a run at any Oscar award next year, rest assured that it will definitely become a cult classic in the same class of a Clash of The Titans, Scarface and even Mean Girls. You know what I’m saying! This is a movie that was made to fulfill the three guilty pleasures of man: blood, sex and violence. If this movie ain’t do that for you, then there must be a hole in your soul because this is what a man’s movie is all about.

The movie takes us to the 480 B.C. Battle of Thermopylae where 300 trained-to-kill hardbody Spartans (Who all hail from Brooklyn, NY. They just moved to Sparta to live in peace. They left that part out of the movie) got down for the crown against a million Persians who were looking to take over their land. Being led by the highly disciplined Spartan King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), the army of 300 embarked on a mission to keep their land free and their families futures bright. Kind of like what George Bush is doing in Iraq, except the opposite. But unlike the Electoral College elected president, King L is smart, charismatic, brave in the heart, disciplined, and best of all – he fights his own wars! I must say, the character of King Leonidas is so gangsta that I guarantee that you will hear a few rappers reference themselves to his likeness. The same way they referenced their characters to that of Keyser Soze; Tony Montana, Nino Brown, etc. they’ll be trying to find a way to align themselves to the heart of King Leonidas. Oh, I’m sorry, did I ruin that for all your half-assed MC’s? Good.

And talk about a “ride or die bitch”! Queen Gorgo (Can you really call her name while making love and still feel like a man?) was like the Ma Baker or Whitney Houston of the ancient times. She very sexy, smart, mean, and was so dedicated to her man (Ok, except for the dedicated to her man part. Whitney possesses none of the aforementioned qualities) that she – well, I don’t wanna spoil it for y’all. But she did something that I sure as hell wouldn’t approve of my wifey doing, but I understand why she did it and I respect it. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. It was pretty foul though. McNulty, you son of a bitch!

But it wasn’t just the severed limbs or the Matrix like battle scenes or even the nudity (King L had the biggest breasts in this movie. So you know the nudity was whack) that made this movie a cult classic. It was the cinematography. The way the director used light and shadow to give this cast of warriors more character and rage in their faces. Don’t get me started on the monsters and Immortals that the Spartans had to take on. That gave the movie an even more fantasy like feeling, and made it way more interesting and enjoyable. It wasn’t no Lord of the Rings, but it wasn’t no lame ass Jason and the Argonauts either. Whack ass movie. Worst free movie I ever got. And the king of the Persians was a larger than life type character. No lie, he must’ve measured about 9 feet tall. And not only was he 9 feet tall, but the kicker was that he was 9 feet of pure tootie fruityness. That’s word to everything, this dude could easily be the king of the Greenwich Village. Only Lance Bass or Dick Cheney could give him competition. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But on the reals, the Xerxes (Gay king) character actually made the movie a lot more interesting. All he wanted was for King L and his Spartans to “kneel” before him. Now, why he wanted them to “kneel” is up for debate. Some say he wanted to be praised as a God and others say he wanted to be praised in the same manner a groupie praises Elton John.

Anyway, this movie gets 4 Hardbody Gangstas.

I would’ve given it 5, but truth be told the story wasn’t that deep. It was a classic man flick, but it wasn’t a classic movie. These warriors are fighting for their land and freedom but we never get to know why they feel the way they do. It’s like they’re fighting just to represent their land, and not to actually preserve it. The dialogue wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t great either. What made the dialogue exceptable was the way that King L and his warriors spoke. Mostly with anger, but at least it was with a feeling. Unlike Christian Haden’s bitch ass in Star Wars I-III. You bitch a$$ ni99a! But the movie was visually spellbinding, violently raw and very exciting. Even Rick Ross made a guest appearance about 10-15 minutes into the movie. Now when you have a rapper dressed down in Egyptian like garments, you know it’s something special.