Slamadamonth, SLAM #34: Vince Carter

by July 11, 2013

Originally published in SLAM 34


PRESENT: Vince Carter, Toronto Raptors; Ed., SLAM; Creppy McWeasel, SLAM legal team; David Stern, NBA Commissioner

Ed.: Vince—thanks for coming. The reason we brought you here is, we’ve got some work for you to do. Is that cool?

DAVID STERN: [Interrupting] Hey, you can’t tell my players what to do! This is my-

Ed.: Chill out, Davey, it’s important. Creepy?

CREEPY MCWEASEL: Hey Vince, nicetomeetya. Sign herehereherehere and initial here.

VINCE CARTER: [taking pen] What is it?

CM: Um, don’t read that.

Ed.: Okay, Creepy, back off. Vince—it’s a simple thing. We got this letter from a kid in Holland. He came all the way here to see a Pacers game and asked Rik Smits for his autograph. Smits blew him off. Twice. We need you to show Rik some manners.

VC: How am I supposed to do that?

Ed.: We were thinking a baseline drive with a double-clutch reverse would be nice. Preferably in Indiana, in front of his home crowd. You know, show up that wooden-shoe-wearing freak in front of his own people. Hey Stern, when do the Raptors go to Indy?

DS: [Resigned] February 24th.

Ed.: The 24th good for you?

VC: Yeah, sure. But why the reverse?

Ed.: Well, I called Dominique Wilkins the best dunker in history, and some guy got mad ‘cause he said Dominique always went off both feet. The double-clutch reverse was one of ‘Nique’s signature moves, and we figured…

VC: [Interrupting] Whoa, you know Mike’s my man, though.

Ed.: Oh yeah, that’s right. My bad. A reverse would still be nice though.

CM: [Whining] Besides, it says right here in the contract you just signed…

Ed.: Okay, Creepy, back off. Vince—we cool?

VC: Yeah.

Russ Bengtson