The following is a transcript of a tape found in the SLAM offices, on the desk of editor-in-chief Russ Bengtson. The tape had run all the way to the end, but only the first two minutes contained anything.
It was a chilly day in Charlotte, NC—perhaps a cold front had drifted in from Hell, which had definitely frozen over. You see, unknown Argentinean cats notwithstanding, Kevin Garnett just does not get posterized, at least not in the continental U.S. And by an El-Amin thick guard with a surgically-repaired knee? Who doesn’t even start? Uh-huh, and Grant Hill can shoot the three, too. Oh yeah, I like that—is someone at the door? Who the hell could that be?
[Sound of tape recorder being placed down, followed by sounds of a chair being pushed back.]
KG! What are you doing here?
Yeah [nervous laugh], we are putting you in Slamadamonth again
No, you didn’t dunk on anyone. It’s the one Baron Davis got on you.
I know you were facing the wrong way. But yo, listen, it was a great dunk, and we gotta give Baron some love. We’re still cool, right?
I’m glad you understand, dog. You know we’ll get you on the other end of one soon. When do you play Dallas again? Hey wait, why are you wearing your Fun Police jacket? Are y’all doin’ another commercial? And who’s that behind you? Goods? Is that you? What’s this gonna be—HEY! Stop that! I didn’t sign a consent form—
[Sounds of a scuffle. Shouting fades out.]
END OF TAPE