All-Star Saturday Night. We in the building…

by February 16, 2008

By Sam Rubenstein

I’m confused. Ben, Lang, Khalid are running out the door… eff this, DWIGHT is the winner! Let’s party!

My bag is packed. Obviously Dwight is the winner. Just give the word, let’s get on the bus. Everyone’s making their way to the exits during Dr. J’s speech. Come on man, let’s GO. Oh, Gerald Green has another dunk? What the hell is going on?

Inevitable since the back of the backboard dunk, Supermanning a slam dunk contest was the peak… great show Dwight. Now comes the fan voting. A or B, you decide.

Gerald Green no shoes? Doesn’t he realize who’s paying for this whole weekend? Gerald Green, you have made… uh there’s like a mini-nerf hoop up there for Dwight. A ball is stashed in it. Dwight Howard is running his campaign on ideas.

Alyssa Milano gives Gerald Green’s first dunk a 9. He goes through the legs for her and it’s not enough, man I’d… whoa, focus. Dwight’s having a big night. This time it’s the tap to the dunk. Turns out Alyssa’s vote doesn’t count, this is for you the fans. Make it interesting Gerald, make it interesting.

Actually, I don’t think Superman himself could have pulled that off! It’s over.


Lang says “for his second dunk, Gerald Green is going to blow out his NBA career.”

Gerald Green’s cupcake dunk, very creative, but maybe a tad too gimmicky. He was back at the other end so we didn’t have the same view we did of the Dwight dunk. Lang is very pleased that Dwight is out in front though. And the Conley-Gay 1-2, that was good. 48. A lot of ENERGY here! The dunk contest kind of feels like it’s back.

Jamario Moon first dunk, you saw it… they cut to the scoreboard of Amare with his kid in his arms, out cold. Rudy Gay, not great but it’s early…there may be some action on this event with people I know. Let’s go Gerald Green! They switch sides so we’re up close now as Dwight gets ready… he tried the bounce off the back to the front dunk that was on youtube… then he outs it down. That is a 50. This might not be a contest.

Jason Kapono is Dwyane Wade’s ex-teammate. Sometimes I like to make mistakes on purpose to see if you’re all paying attention. Give yourselves a big pat on the back. The judges are announced and Magic is one of them. Lang and Ben may have mentioned Magic being at the Jordan party last night. He had an entourage of like 100 people. Little kids and mascots out on the court. It’s dunking time. We are at the wrong end of the court to see it. We had a big lunch today so I skipped pre-event dinner. That’s starting to get to me now.

Khalid’s computer is doing things computers aren’t meant to do. I think it needs an exorcism. There is a photographer going around the press box taking photos of me and other people sitting here typing away. Very strange trip so far. Jason Kapono lives for this sh-t! He just tied the old Craig Hodges record and the podium is out. KAPONO! Alright, little break, the dunks are coming.

I think I have a Rick Ross at courtside sighting. He’s got a big bucket of popcorn, like Rick Ross should. The guy next to him is Terrell Owens, in a glittery shirt as always. So now I think the Rick Ross guy is just a henchman, holding his boss’s popcorn for him. Dirk eliminates Steve, and it’s Peja time. Me and Lang played a little NBA Live at the LRG suite earlier today. I was making it rain on him with Peja. Jason Kapono, the defending champion now shoots. FIRE at the end… The opposite of how his teammate DWade went out in a non-title defense.

Boobie Gibson… man Damon Jones must HATE him. You guys and girls (hi Holly) are all complaining about Reggie Miller. We’ve got like the Mortal Kombat soundtrack on full blast here while they shoot. Steve Nash had a horrible run, 9 points. He’s in dead last for now.

I just met THE Aggrey Sam! Jealous? Rip Hamilton finishes strong to start the competition. Oooooh… but his foot was on the line. Rip talked a lot of trash about beating Kobe, a.k.a. the noodle finger. Second Jimmy Jamm sighting of the trip.

Three point shootout time. They put Arnold on the jumbotron. His wife Maria Schreiber is here with him. Why is she wearing so many beads? Just kidding. Oh how I love a friendly game of character assassination.

It is finally settled. DERON > CHRIS! Re-draft! You blew it Hornets. Here’s your extra link to my brief Q&A of a warrior’s preparation. There are boos. He’s not an All-Star by the way.

Deron Williams sets a new record. I told you! I mean, I told you this was a budding scandal. Spygate lives! Chris Paul, be a hero.

Dikembe Mutombo is handed a microphone to talk about some of his and the NBA’s charity work. I have no idea what he said, but as always it was amazing. Hi commenters down there. Russ, the Henry Abbott was a Lang call. It’s a look. Chris Tucker sighting. Alyssa Milano – who was a coach in the celeb game Friday night which we missed. (serenity now)

Dwyane Wade loses the handle early, and it’s all downhill from there, much like his Miami Heat season. There are actually boos. This was a sorry title defense. Booooooooooo! Refund! Deron Williams vs. Chris Paul. There is nobody cheering for Deron Williams. But remember, he trained like Drago in Rocky IV, with computers.

Skills challenge time. Deron Williams did it exactly the way he played it as a video game earlier today. Jason Kidd missed many open jumpers, it’s true. Chris Paul gets his ovation. Then he goes out and effing kicks a$$ at this… he’s good. Wade, you got your work cut out for you.

Sometimes scoreboard trivia they ask the players is stupid. This time, it was not. Some All-Stars were asked what does Andoullie mean? LeBron said it means “and do we” do this or and do we do that. There was laughter. None of the players knew it, but Steve Nash had the right answer (a type of sausage). The NBA clearly fed him that answer a la Quiz Show so you all think he’s smart.

The Spurs are the champs of everything. A quick look around the press box… hey J.E. Skeets, look over your right shoulder, end of the row behind you. Jason Kidd is on the bench in a Nets warm-up suit. The skills challenge is up next. I believe I have spotted Arnold Schwarzennegger courtside.

David Robinson can’t hit a shot, and I think he’s up to like 4% bodyfat. Lazy. Admiral hits the half court shot to close it out and does a geeky Admiral fist pump…. never mind…

DAMON JONES IS IN THE BUILDING! Why wouldn’t he be? Wasn’t he in the three point contest last year?

Whatever, one of those acrobatic trampoline dunk groups, the rimrockers just put some energy in the building. This shooting stars event just doesn’t do it for me. Final round, Chicago vs. San Antonio. I have no idea what’s going on.

The players and ex-players are warming up for the shooting stars competition. Bill Laimbeer, David Robinson, Eddie Johnson, and so on. Whoa B.J. Armstrong.

Hello there. It’s Saturday night. You can stop holding your collective breath, Khalid and I have our luggage. The anthems are over, it’s Erin Nicole time. Lang is excited.

A nice Canadian anthem sung by Henry Abbott by the way. Have people tuned in to watch this on TV yet? People I’ve been talking to around town have kept asking me “When’s the dunk contest?” It’s early.

I guess the way to do this is to have the newer writing on top and just keep re-posting. Let’s do it.