By Bethlehem Shoals
Phil Jackson on Kobe’s glut of technical fouls:
“Kobe is the top protective top for most of his teammates. I think he’s gotten four or five of those technical going to bat for his teammates this year rather than individually complaining about his own situation.”
Translation: Sasha Vujacic is a proud, proud man, but his English is lousy and he changes his hairstyle too often. The refs don’t remember who he is.
Elton Brand on free agency:
“I don’t know how the off-season works, but I’m sure [other teams] could see me somehow without playing and have enough confidence in my ability that I can still play.”
Translation: Fu-k this. I’ve been a solid 20/10-ish guy forever. I’ve had one half-decent look inside the palace of the playoffs. Maybe I get injured occasionally, but I’m also an undersized banger with a softer side. I might be the most underrated player of my generation, and now this? I’m going to chill with Werner in Bavaria. You all can watch my greatest hits on DVD, and I’m sure some GM will deign to offer me $10-12 mill a year.
Artest being Artest:
“That’s all I wanted to do. I didn’t care if I didn’t score a point. I wanted one game, to run across the L.A. court and show everybody. (The jersey) says ‘Kings.’ I wish it said Sacramento.”
Translation: This Kings organization is okay and all, but I’m much more attached to the city of Sacramento. In fact, that’s ninety-percent of what keeps me here. It reminds me of Indianapolis, where I had this old white lady who baked me pies and recorded a track with me. These places remind of Queensbridge, or my career—no respect and tons of heart. I just want the world to know what I’m all about.
Delonte West on LeBron’s stalker
“Everyone [on the bench] was like trying to guard him, and he’s pushing his teammates out of the way to get to the fan and give him a handshake. That’s amazing, man, stuff like that. That’s what being a superstar is all about.”
Translation: You know how people talk about Bron like he’s the angry father God causing natural disasters, or Jesus the son performing miracles? He’s kind of both. Sometimes, I just get into the passenger seat of my Benz and wait for it to start moving. And when it does, I send my man a text saying “thanks”. Also, once I got locked out of my hotel room, so dude broke the door down for me.
Andrew Bogut on changes in his game:
“I’m trying to be a bit more of a shot blocker this year.”
Translation: Someone reminded me that I’m a seven-footer. Then I grew some balls to match my mouth.
Kevin Ollie on being a mediocre vet:
“Some people don’t respect you and still look down on you. They think, ‘He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he’s never been to an All-Star Game, did this or that.’ But other guys look at what you’ve been through and gravitate to it, especially when they are going through trials and tribulations.”
Translation: And that’s how I steal everyone’s wallets.
Chris Duhon on his suspension:
“Usually, I don’t play anyway, so it doesn’t have that much of an effect on me.”
Translation: So this team wants to bring in new players and make sure Tyrus Thomas sees the light of day? They want to shake things up? Well, check this out: I’m cultivating an attitude. That’s right, this hard-working, defensive-minded, unselfish guard is waxing sarcastic for the press. And you know what, it feels kind of good. Next time I’ll make sure to go shirtless. It’s a new day in Chicago.
Steve Nash on the Suns sucking:
“No team has really beat us yet. We’ve beaten ourselves.”
Translation: Because I’m Steve Nash, I can always get reporters to take this kind of circular logic seriously. When really, all I’m thinking about is pot and a massage. Once, I bet Amare fourteen carbon emissions credits that he couldn’t pull this same quote off; after he said it, there were five minute of awkward silence, followed by an easy question about his line of streetwear socks. Of course, it would have helped if we’d actually been losing at the time.
Phil Jackson on Bynum’s return:
“[He’s] still perhaps a month away, maybe, whatever. He’s going to come off the bench and play a secondary role, probably, to start with. And then as he gets a couple games where it looks like he can sustain the effort and his conditioning improves, then we’ll work on how it fits together.”
Translation: We’re just fine, thanks. And I’ll keep acting smug and mysterious about Bynum’s comeback until we stop running the West.
Donyell Marshall on Seattle:
“I thought for a minute after the trade that I might get some playing time because it’s a younger team, but P.J. told me when I got here that wasn’t going to happen and it was something that I said, ‘OK, I’m cool with that,'”.
Translation: I like basketball, but here I’d just as soon look the other way and collect a paycheck.
Joakim Noah on his intensity:
“I talk about it with my family. They tell me I have to calm down. But that’s just the way I am. Winning or losing really decides my mood. Winning is all that should matter to anybody.”
Translation: I am a spoiled child, likely the only one, and have never had to worry about anything. Either that or I’ve got ADHD.
T-Mac on the streak:
“To be on a team that has accomplished 20 straight wins, this has to be up there as the most gratifying thing I’ve accomplished in this league. You look at the Bulls that were 72-10 that year. They didn’t do this. So this is pretty remarkable.”
Translation: No matter what else happens, they can’t take this one away from me.