Random thoughts

by February 13, 2008

By Jake Appleman

–I was watching the Spurs-Celtics game on Sunday afternoon and Mike Breen kicked it over to Michelle Tafoya, who started talking about how mad Gregg Poppovich was at his time during a time-out in third quarter. She said Pop got in his team’s face and told them they were playing the worst offense he had ever seen. Then she said something I couldn’t quite hear and I had this exchange with my roommate.

Me: Did she just say he said, “you’re playing like you have some men in your shoes?”

Roommate: Haha. No, she said he said, “you’re playing like you have cement in your shoes.”

–John Oliver should win an Emmy for his Super Tuesday coverage. If you haven’t seen it, it’s here (NSFW). You won’t see it in that video, but when The Daily Show went to commercial, there was a shot of Oliver in the crowd and he said something to the effect of, “Jon, someone is touching my bottom! Un-hand me my bottom!” If there’s anything out there that’s funnier than John Oliver asking for his bottom to be handed back, I haven’t found it yet. Actually…

–The brilliant Sarah Silverman should also win something for her performance, in “I’m f*cking Matt Damon.” (Obviously NSFW.) Matt Damon is like the new Tom Brady, except actually perfect. Unauthorized, silly pot shot from a Jets fan who has no right…YES! Maybe it’s New York (New Jersey?) pride. “Let’s put that guitar down and go f*ck Matt Damon.”

–Whenever I see the name “Hannah Montana”, I read it “Hanno Mottola.” This is weird. Slight turn-of-the-century college basketball dyslexia, perhaps?

–Johan Santana is the best pitcher in baseball. Deal with it.

–You can peep my column on Chris Wright over at Hoopsfuture. (Which Chris Wright? I won’t tell you quite yet…though if you know college ball you can probably figure it out…it’s the first in a series, so there will be more coming.)

–My beloved Atletico Madrid are driving me nuts. They slipped from 3rd to 5th and then recovered back to 4th this weekend thanks to a Diego Forlan double (CLASS!). Nothing less than a Champions League place is acceptable this season after selling Fernando Torres for 1…billion…dollars. So it’s 4th or bust for the rojiblancos and their fans.

(Note: for those readers out there that don’t follow “football/soccer”, the beauty of this is that I truly care about whether or not a team wins “4th place.” This is great because it means the regular season in European soccer actually means something. This means every game has value, unlike in America, where we use regular seasons to make money before fetishizing the playoffs, i.e. when “it counts.” Seriously, it always counts, that’s why it’s a f*cking game that people compete in. Stupid Americans…But, for real, the difference between 4th and 5th is the difference between playing in the European version of the NCAA tournament and the NIT. Imagine if your finish in one season dictated your tournament status in the next. Now do the haters recognize why we love this game?)

Back to my original *Slamonline* point: Of course, it’s Atleti, the more-predictable-than-a-Shakespeare-tragedy football club, so 5th is inevitable, but pretending to have hope feeds the cynic, I guess. Twisted. Meanwhile, it seems, Ryan’s Everton might actually finish 4th over Torres and Liverpool in the Premier League. How happy would that make our dear Farmer Jones, the former player from my team playing brilliantly this year, yet still bringing the Spanish curse with him and inadvertently helping out another less fortunate team’s cause?
Happy enough to part with Mikel Arteta? Maybe…then perhaps we could both get what we want. Everton can take Jose Reyes. The Spanish Jose Reyes, not the Dominican God of Speed. But not Gary Speed

–For the final word on the Shaq-Marion deal, let’s just listen to Fiona Apple, my third cousin 2 orchards replaced:

“I don’t understand about complementary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray

But he’s been pretty much yellow
And I’ve been kinda blue
But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do

I don’t understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What’s so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining.”

Take from that what you will.

Also: Can’t wait till Miami drafts Derrick Rose and turns into Phoenix east. Win now, Cavs/Celtics/Pistons. Seriously, get your winning done now. This could be your best opportunity.

Miami is so golden right now. They’re practically f*cking Matt Damon.